Less of April...

I am wondering why I am feeling so tired that it hurts today! Oy… We had a huge snow storm this weekend. Remember when snow was fun? Remember when you looked forward to it? Yeah, looks as though those days are gone for me. New York City is a great place to live. I wouldn’t live any where else. We have exact 12 hours of the beautiful stuff. It’s gorgeous coming down, and makes the city seem like a magical place. The NEXT day, it’s a hot mess. The beautiful snow is trudged on, and turns into a dirty slushy mess! I am reporting that I went BACK to WW this Saturday. Why would I do this so close to the Christmas? Why not just wait for the New Year and make that my resolution? Here is the thing, I just decided that I could not, once again, do that same clichéd act and make loosing weight my new year’s resolution. I can’t be in the crowded room again. I know that I might not loose a whole lot of weight, but I can promise myself that I will be more aware of what I am eating this week. How...

Remember when your parents knew everything? Remember when they were the strongest, the smartest and the most handsome or beautiful? I remember that. The long and short of it is that my parents are getting old. Them’s be the facts baby. I look at my father, my charming, life of the party Papi. Now with white hair, white beard, old man stoop, arthritic hands and a satchel full of heart medicine. Case in point, I had to zip up my dad’s jacket the other day. Talk about full circle. He used to zip up my jacket. We were in Target recently and I saw my dad shuffling ahead me. I went over and gave me him a push. Papi stand up straight, Papi pick up your feet. My ferocious father is slowing down. It makes me sad. I look at my mother, my beautiful, oh so glamorous Mom. Who is developing fat pockets under her eyes, hopelessly; obviously dyed hair and random age spots. And just between you and me, she is become unbelievably annoying. Constantly asking me questions… April can you? April...

Well kids, April’s back. For how long I’m not sure. I won’t make promises I can’t keep. Absolutely nothing new has been happening. Actually less than nothing has been going on. Went off my meds and back on again. I did start seeing a new therapist. Good looking out to a good new friend who turned me on to him. Therapy is important I think, and seems quite the New York thing to do. I’ve been in and out of therapy for years now, with varying degrees of success. Like most things in my life, I start and stop with an alarming regularity. That is, I usually stop when it gets to hard or uncomfortable. I’m hoping that I keep it up this time, because I know that I am in desperate need of help. And want nothing more than to stop living in the dark, bumping into things. [That’s what my life seems like to me] What I am hoping for this time is to come up with a plan of action. I want to find out why I do the things I do, and what I can do to change them. This weekend I was supposed to go ba...

Money makes the world go around. The world go around. The world go around. Money makes the world go around. It makes the world go 'round. A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound.A buck or a pound. A buck or a pound.Is all that makes the world go around, That clinking clanking sound. Can make the world go 'round. (Lyrics from the movie/play Cabaret) I need money and I need it badly. I’ve never been good with money, not to blame my parents, but they were never good with money either. So I didn’t have a good model to follow. However, at this point in my life, I need to ante up and just figure out what my problem is and what I need to do to make it better. Admitting that you have a problem is important right? So here I am admitting it. But what does one do, when one needs to get better at something. How do I fix this? A few weeks I go I was overdrawn in my account by over 500 dollars. I actually considered doing one of those payday loans. I didn’t do it, sucked it up and...

It’s been a long time. And the truth is that just haven’t had the energy. I absolutely loathe myself. I am huge. It is beyond me how I could allow myself to get to this point. I knew that I was fat. I mean I’ve BEEN fat. But lately I feel like I am really looking like a fat person, like that kind of fat person that people really look at. And God help me. My feet hurt. I have aches and pains like my body is too big to support its self. I got on the scale tonight. On my scale I weigh 280lbs. What do I do with myself? How can I fix this problem? And it is a problem. Why do I insist on stuffing my face so? I do it all the time. All. The time. Many times I eat till I am sick to my stomach. A few months ago my mother came to me and said that she was having a party for her 60 th birthday, I was full and I mean FULL of the dread. I didn’t want to go. I love my mom, but I didn’t want to sit on a plane (in seat that barely holds my fat ass and sucking in my bre...

“You think that I’d learn the cost of love. Paid that price long enough. But still I drive myself right through the pain. Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing. Sometimes I think I’m better off. To turn out the lights and close up shop. And give up the longing, believing in belonging. Just hold down my head and take the loss. You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now. You’d think that I’d somehow figure out. That if you strike the match. You’re bound to feel the flame.”– Daughtry So once upon a time, I feel in love with a bad boy. He actually wasn’t “bad” at all. The roughness that was on the outside was for show, to hide the soft side that I knew was there. He was hard on the outside and so soft, so I thought, on the inside. When he looked at me, I got weak. When he kissed me, I literally lost my breath. He made my head spin, my heart skip beats. Despite our differences, and there were many, I knew. I mean I knew with out a doubt in my mind, that this beautiful man [...

I'm here. Not much to say more off the same... I will post this weekend.

I'm late with this...but I looked it over and thought I would post anyway. In case you were wondering. Food is not good. Not at all. Anyway... read away! 70’s icon Farrah Fawcett died after a long and difficult battle with cancer. Music icon Michael Jackson died after a long a difficult battle with life. It’s sad isn’t it? Farrah had friends and family who loved her and watched her suffer. They are no doubt going through a very difficult time. She was a mom, a daughter, a best friend and a life partner. She was beautiful and talented and seemed to epitomize this one period of time. When you think back to the 70’s Charlie's Angels is one of the things that you remember. Charlie’s Angles, Saturday Night Fever , Disco, and the beginning of the fitness craze. Farrah Fawcett had that hair and that amazing smile, she also had atomic nipples… (Which I never noticed until she died and people kept pointing it out) Michael Jackson. What can one say about Mike? Ico...

Looking Good! I know that I am dating myself, but when I was a kid, there was this show Chico and The Man [Chico was portrayed by Freddie Prinze , whose son is Freddie Prinze, Jr .] I don’t remember a whole lot of that show, I was two when it started and six when it went of the air, but what I do remember, besides the fact that it took place in a garage and the Chico lived in a Van in that Garage, especially was the catch phrase. “Looking Goooood!” I saw this woman today on the subway and she was really Looking Goooood! Really pretty wrap-around dress, Dolce & Gabbana tote, Gucci accessories in said tote, [yeah I peeked] Louis Vuitton sunglasses perched on her head and tasteful diamond studs in her ears. [ I pratically have a fetish for sun glasses] She was wearing Fit Flops but you know that she had the right shoes some where in her tote, or under her desk. You can tell that she had been away recently; maybe today was her first day back, as she had a great tan. I wonder if ...

My mind is scattered today so this will most likely be all over the place as well… Yesterday was Epic Fail. I didn't go to WW. I didn't do anything social yesterday. And it was a beautiful day. I ate sausage and ice cream and loafed around. I didn't even scrapbook. Totally wasted my day. I saw my “friend” last night. He choose the most awkward time to tell me he loved me. In my head I was like oh god why are you ruining this for me? But I just smiled my sexy smile and kissed him. But he loves me? He doesn’t. We are so not meant to be. He’s older. Has kids, one of whom is a little bitch, and doesn’t want more. I can’t say that I blame him. Also frankly, I think that he might be a little bit, well, gay. And don’t get me wrong. I loooooove the gays. I am a hag from way back. [My motto is that every straight girl needs a gay boyfriend] But I like my gays out and proud. Not closeted and having sex with me. Sorry. I’m funny like that. So April, if you think ...

I stopped taking both my ADHD and anti-depressant meds about a month ago. Why? Well I think the combination of meds was having a weird effect on me. The ADHD stuff especially. I was crashing. I would sleep all night long, wake up tired, sleep on my commute, be tired all day at work, sleep on my commute home and pass out when I got home. Also, I remember going to see my sister and her kids, something that I LOVE to do, and I slept all weekend. She was pissed and told me that it was like being with a junkie. The thing is that I had been feeling that way myself for while. And thinking to myself that this cannot be good to feel this "tired" all the time. So I stopped. Cold turkey. That was about 4 weeks ago I think. And for the first 3 weeks or so I was fine. But not anymore. The depression is creeping up on me. One of the reasons I was taking anti depressants in the first place, was because I was feeling everything too much. Something would touch me or make me sad, and it...

Me and my hair… I have curly hair. For those who follow such things, I guess it can be categorized as 3C/4A. I remember being about 13-14 years old and begging, BEGGING my mom to have my hair relaxed. I wanted to swing it and fling it! I would spend hours and hours blow drying it, frying it, dyeing it and straightening it, ironing it and rolling it. In my late 20’s, after years of abusing my hair, I decided that I had just had enough of the following: The damage and the cost and endless hours holed up in a crowed hair salon; The weekly visits to the Dominicans-- Himamiwhyyougonnadotoday? The ever present,“Mamiyouneedatrim”! (Then sit open mouthed and paralyzed with shock as they proceeded to hack half my shit off!); The watching with fascination and horror at the smoke coming from the top of my head while being blow dried; The cringing at the burning sensation from the relaxer and finally; The holding of my breath at the toxic/rotten egg smell. I was ready to ...

I thought I would share my routine with people. I also participate on the website www.naturallycurly.com. A lot of people there have asked me about my routine, so I wrote it out. I normally use Devachan products, but have found also found that occasionally using other products makes the Deva stuff work even better. I use the No Poo once every other week. Use the same way you would use any other shampoo. Follow with the One Condition (OC). (Regardless of weather or not I use Deva, I NEVER EVER use shampoo. Shampoo makes my hair seize.) I use "co wash" with the OC every other day, normally I only use my fingers to comb though--- sometimes but rarely do I use a wide tooth comb. (I find that it breaks up the curl; but if you feel like your hair is too tightly coiled, you might want to do this) I suggest that people try both methods and figure out which works best for them. Rinse your completely. Wring out hair to get rid of the excess water. Use either a 100% cotton t-shirt or...

I work with a lot of people who are younger than me. I mean, people born in the late 80’s young. People who when I say hey remember this or that…I get the blank stare. Eh… it happens. I remember when I was the young person on the job. Anyway, the reason that I mention that is because I was contemplating my life and where and what I thought I would be doing by now. Right around that time I found Olivia’s blog and she was talking about the same thing…and for no reason at all The Bangles version of the Simon and Garfunkel song, “Hazy Shade of Winter popped into my head. For those who have no idea what I am talking about, or just want to stroll down memory lane with me, here are the lyrics. Time, time, time. See what’s become of me… Time, time, time. See what’s become of me, while I looked around, for my possibilities. I was so hard to please. Look around leaves are brown and the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hear the Salvation Army band; Down by the riverside it’s bound to be a bette...

WTF moments… One of the reasons that I wanted to keep a blog, is because of all the random thoughts that go through my head. I constantly see things and wonder what the fuck? Perfect example… This morning I saw a man putting on deodorant while on the train platform. WTF? This man looked normal enough, sort of your average white guy. He was wearing work appropriate pants they were blue or black I think. A white long sleeved dress shirt that was open, I guess for easy armpit access, with a plain white t shirt (wife beater variety) underneath. As someone who has stood/sat next too many a stinky person while riding on the subway, I appreciate his efforts. However, I am wondering what would possess someone one to do this at the Union Square train station at the height of morning rush hour. I mean I’ve occasionally forgotten to put deodorant on, but I usually just pick some up at the local Duane Reade and apply it in the privacy of my bathroom stall. I posted my observation on my ...

Epic fail. Epic Epic fail. I went to WW this past weekend and while I knew I had gained. I was not fully prepared for how much. Almost 5 lbs. 5! WTF? The thing is that I am not surprised. I am just at this place in my life where I don’t know what do about it? What do I do about it? I went to the informational session last week, for biatric surgery. That as I said, it was probably one of the saddest things I have ever seen. All the people so desperate for an answer a solution anything! My issue, and it’s not a new issue, but my issue is feeling like the surgery won’t be the answer that I am looking for. It would solve the fact that I am always ready to eat something. Even if I’m NOT hungry. What IS that about? Clearly I am a food addicted person. But what do I do my addiction. I can’t go into rehab for it. I cant’ stop eating all together can I? I was talking about this with a friend of mine. The thing is the food, for me, is really a great joy in my life. While all at the same t...

This is a blog that I wrote for my myspace blog. (Remember myspace?) I wrote it at the beginning of the year in 2008. With the start of the New Year, I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want to change about me. One of the main things that has come to mind are physical changes that I would like to see take place in me for 2008. I've been a big girl for a long time. Granted, never as big as I am now, but I was always a full figured girl. Sure, I struggled with my weight. It's been up and down and while I did think a lot about it, it is safe to say that, most days, my weight usually did not cause me to feel bad about myself. Sure I was big, but, honey, I was sexy. I had sexy hair, sexy lips, great smile, awesome personality etc. Big, juicy, sexy girls not for you? That was ok. My attitude was, if you didn't like girls who looked like me, you could look elsewhere. And while you were at it, kindly move out of the way, as you were most likely standing in front ...

July 31, 2009 The other day I went to an informational session on bariatric surgery. First off, there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, that is sadder than a room full of fatties looking for THE ANSWER. People are fat. I watched as people struggled to wedge themselves into seats. Several of the attendees where visibly uncomfortable and clearly had issues breathing. Young looking people with canes, I heard some one talking about having numbness in their legs and feet. And superficially, I just was struck with how bad people looked. I do my best to look good every single day. Make up—done! Hair—done! Clothes—cute (and more importantly clean and pressed—there is nothing NOTHING worse than a fatty with food stains on their clothing. It is almost as if when you get to a certain size, you just stop caring. I hope to God that I NEVER get like that. I wish desperately that I wasn’t considering this. But I am. Whatever zest I ever had for weight loss has zoomed ...

Random Hair thoughts: I am obsessed with my hair. My hair is curly. If you follow curly hair it’s type 3c. If you are a person who has grown up with hair issues, you will feel my pain. My hair has been: Dried Fried Dyed Parted to the side and then some. Basically it has been a hot mess. I’ve done so many things to my hair that I should not have and am currently suffering for it. I did the BC last month and am working on growing it out.

Not than any one is paying attention. That was not the point of this exercise.  But I feel like such the looser. No blogging. No journaling. No WW-ing. No nothing. Just me. Eating. Why? I honestly think that I'm hungry. I mean I feel like eating so that's what I've been doing.  Eating. Eating anything. Everything. All the time. I think about food often. Sigh.   I took some time alone the other day and wrote down some thoughts... which I would share, if I weren’t such a disorganized mess. Basically, I'm thinking of getting lap band surgery. I feel as though I am at an impasse. I want o loose weight but I can't seem to get it together long enough to make it happen.  I have an appointment at a LBS clinic this coming week and I am going to go.  I've made this appointment in the past and have bailed out.   This time, promising my self that I am going to go and at least hear what they have to say.  I don't HAVE to DO anything. I just have to listen.   I di...

Super quick entry:  Being on track while at work is much easier than trying to stay on program while sitting at home.  Day 4

Less of April is a blog about me. I am on a quest to make some major life changes. The main one is getting rid of some serious weight. Why blog about it?  First, I love writing venting long letters. Sometimes I send them sometime I don’t. (Trick I learned from my former shrinkette) Second, I think I am a frustrated writer. Good enough to put a decent sentence and idea together, but not good enough for anyone to care! I am tres doubtful that anyone will read my little blog, and this makes me feel really safe. If by chance someone does read this, maybe my experience will help him or her or theirs help me. I am going to start a list. I have a whole lot of work to do on myself. I don’t know about anyone else, but I live by my “To Do” list. So here goes. And the first thing, on what is sure to quite the lengthy list ,is: 1. Loose weight. More to follow!

May 25, 2009 Memorial Day! Well here is the deal about yesterday.   While I will not say it was a total success, I also will not say it was an epic fail.   I think that it was not in my best interest, to go to a BBQ on my first day on program.    (Duh)   But yesterday is done. This morning I ended up running around so I didn’t get a chance to eat a breakfast-y breakfast. But I did make myself a pretty good brunch.    “Breakfast” Ice coffee (with skim milk and 2 Splenda) Brunch: Turkey burger Large whole grain pita Chopped avocado Teaspoon of Dijon mustard Teaspoon of Ketchup Romaine lettuce Not sure what the deal is with dinner yet.   Hello! This it exactly what I was talking about. The planning is what kills me.   I need to plan, plan, plan.  Day: 2/2

May 24, 2009 Today is my first full day on Weight Watchers.   And of course today I have a BBQ.   What to do? What to do?   I’m really not sure.   I almost feel like I am already failing for the day.   I haven’t planned at all. And that is key. You can’t eat well on the fly.   Fuck me. This is not how I wanted to do this. Note to self. Go shopping April.   Get food that will work.    And plan plan plan.             The thing is that I have to make it work.   First thing is to have a substantial breakfast.   Go get coffee.   And take it from there.   Maybe I should take some carrots for the road so that when I get there I’m not like a vacuum cleaner with the food.    Day: 1 of 1

Saturday May 23, 2009 I have decided to go on a quest and change my life. I am blogging to document that journey. I am going to do whatever it is I need to become a better, healthier, smarter and hopfully, happier April. My main reason for blogging and tweeting about it is to chart my path. Maybe people will read me maybe they won’t. It honestly doesn’t matter. I am doing this for me. I may keep it up and I may not. However, today as I write this the hope is that I will blog about my journey of self-discovery and change, about once a week, perhaps more if I am so inspired. I decided to go back to weight watchers. Back to weight watchers. Back. To. Weight. Watchers. I have been there and here before. I have been successful once. That is I was dedicated and on program for over a year and lost a significant amount of weight. I looked great. I felt amazing. I was sexy honey. Not at all thin, but just looking so much better. The whole thing, people were noticing and c...