I am in group therapy. I’ve been in group therapy for almost 2 years now. And honestly, I look forward to it. It’s nice to speak with people who are not my friends. It is weird though, we’re not friends, but I feel like we know each other really well. During that time, I have learned a lot about myself, and what I have to say. Most importantly, I have been able to sit and listen to what’s going on in the lives of other people. Turns out, that all of us, regardless of what it looks like on the surface, have some heavy stuff to deal with. Of course I knew that, but hearing it has given me a lot of perspective, which is good.
While I enjoy Group and think it has been valuable to me, occasionally, my own stuff gets in the way and start feeling like I shouldn’t be there. No one has said anything. No one has made me feel any particular way. I have always felt welcomed. It’s just me. It doesn’t help that everyone in my group is a Professional person, and I’m still finding my way. I’m finding my way and taking the long, not so scenic, route. Being in a room with 2 doctors, 4 lawyers, an artist and a musician sometimes makes me uneasy. I wonder if they are thinking, WTF is SHE doing HERE? I’ve never really asked Shrinker what he was thinking, placing me in this particular group with these particular people. It seems too late to do so now. Much more than my occasional uneasiness is this fear I have. Sometimes, someone will be speaking and all I can think to myself is ‘Please please don’t ask me what I think.’ Sure enough, he’ll ask me “April, what do you think about what Bob just said?” Ugh. It is inevitable, that at that moment, I will have nothing, not a thing to offer. The blank, not knowing what to say feeling, makes me feel so inarticulate and just plain stupid. I think that my job, in being a part of the group, is to provide insightful, thoughtful feedback. Not to wish I were someplace else.
I told Shrinker that I needed a break. His asked me some very pointed, shrinky questions about my feelings about a new woman in our group. Letting me know that he thinks I don’t want to be in-group because of her. (Not true). He thinks that I find her attractiveness (she’s very pretty) and her success (Lawyer #4) intimidating. Sigh. One time while watching Oprah, I heard Dr. Phil (who I can’t stand) tell a jealous wife, that if she is always worried about her husband finding a more attractive woman, then she was destined to life of unhappiness. There will always be someone prettier than you are. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, any issues I have with my looks have nothing to do with my face. It has everything to do with my fat. So while Lawyer #4 is very attractive, I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me. I do care, and it does bother me, that when she was talking about something that is very painful for her, I couldn’t think of anything to say when asked what I thought. I told Shrinker as much. I don’t know if he bought it. (Shrugs) It’s true though. And frankly, I’m not sure how I feel about him (Shrinker) thinking that I am THAT person. At any rate, we (he) decided that would be on sabbatical from group for at least 2 weeks. We shall see…
(Yes, I am going to act as though it hasn’t been 2 months since I’ve posted.)