Skip to main content

The Dread...

It’s been a long time. And the truth is that just haven’t had the energy. I absolutely loathe myself. I am huge. It is beyond me how I could allow myself to get to this point. I knew that I was fat. I mean I’ve BEEN fat. But lately I feel like I am really looking like a fat person, like that kind of fat person that people really look at. And God help me. My feet hurt. I have aches and pains like my body is too big to support its self. I got on the scale tonight. On my scale I weigh 280lbs. What do I do with myself? How can I fix this problem? And it is a problem. Why do I insist on stuffing my face so? I do it all the time. All. The time. Many times I eat till I am sick to my stomach.

A few months ago my mother came to me and said that she was having a party for her 60th birthday, I was full and I mean FULL of the dread. I didn’t want to go. I love my mom, but I didn’t want to sit on a plane (in seat that barely holds my fat ass and sucking in my breath to make the seat belt fit) and go and face my family. I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want to see myself. Call me paranoid, but I see them looking at me and feel them judging me. Really. We all know that they do. People look at people and make judgments. But at the end of the day, it’s Mom and I had to do it. So here I am. And yes, I AM wishing that I were someplace else. All because of something that I should be able to control.

I’ve been chatting lately with this woman I work with who also had a difficult time with food. She lost 108lbs, and has put on about 50 or so pounds. She and talked a lot about things we can do to make our lives not so much revolve around food. I do promise my self something. I get back home, I promise to change things. Yes, I am aware that I have said this type of thing before, however I have to keep making that promise to myself. I have to keep making that promise and hope that this time it will be THE time that it will work out. That will gather up all the tools that I need to be successful at this journey. This is the dragon that I want, need, to slay once and for all. I truly believe that my happiness, mental and physical health depend on it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Guess who's back, back again? April's back, tell a friend.

Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, Guess who's back. Guess who's back? -Emenim   I know. MIA for 5 months. Where have I been? I’ve been here and there. Lurking. Watching.   Not a whole lot to say. When you don’t have anything worth listening to, in my opinion, you should say nothing.   Clearly not everyone feels that way, based on what I’ve been reading.  Weight Loss:    Laughable really.   A part of the reason why I have opted to say nothing is because I’ve been reading other blogs.   I have felt… dumbfounded   that people who have been struggling with weight loss for years and are disappointed in themselves, don’t   seem to want to DO anything about it.   What is worse, I think, are the followers who are co-signing this behavior.   While I am all for forgiving ones self, there is way too much talk of “forgiveness”.     Listen, I know all about failed weight loss attempts.   I have
8 comments
Read more

Day 2

I wonder what it is about being on a diet that makes you crave things you haven’t eaten in while.   Yesterday I thought about cake, a lot. Mind you I am not a cake eater per se, but there I was thinking about cake. Oh the brain of a compulsive food addict is something to behold.  My day yesterday was pretty good. I stayed on the plan, ate what I was supposed to etc…until last night at around 9 pm I had a spoonful of peanut butter. FUCK!   It’s the weirdest thing. I don’t have any “bad” foods at home. I got rid of everything. But last night, I found myself wandering around the kitchen, opening the freezer, fridge and cabinets just looking for something to nosh on.   I don’t think I was hungry I was…I don’t know…something. But I had the peanut butter. I’m annoyed at myself but I’m back at it today. I’ve had my cheerios , blueberries and milk. My lunch—salad with 3oz of tuna is ready for me. Dinner will be salmon, left over quinoa (I swear that stuff explodes) from last night, a
6 comments
Read more

Day 7 and April's a Fool

Day 7 One of the many things that I am going to work on this year is duh, my weight.  While it was tempting, I opted out of Al ’s plan.  Not sure why exactly, I just did.  I enjoy Alan a lot. There’s a lot of charm in his alleged gruffness. Oh, it’s alleged. I don’t think he’s mean. I think he’s fed up with excuses, his own and everyone else’s.  He’s lost a ton of weight—he’s doing something right. Haters will hate and really should fuck off. I toyed with joining WW…AGAIN.  I haven’t yet…I still might.  Something about joining a plan that I have joined at least 10 times in the past, just seemed so cliché to me.  I also am feeling like I don’t want to pay for the plan. I am in a financial cliff of my own lately, and don’t feel like shelling out $40 bucks a month for a plan that I already know works, because I’ve lost and gained about 100lbs following it.   So what have I been doing these past 7 days?   I have been not just watching what I eat, but actually eating with a
9 comments
Read more