Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Dread...

It’s been a long time. And the truth is that just haven’t had the energy. I absolutely loathe myself. I am huge. It is beyond me how I could allow myself to get to this point. I knew that I was fat. I mean I’ve BEEN fat. But lately I feel like I am really looking like a fat person, like that kind of fat person that people really look at. And God help me. My feet hurt. I have aches and pains like my body is too big to support its self. I got on the scale tonight. On my scale I weigh 280lbs. What do I do with myself? How can I fix this problem? And it is a problem. Why do I insist on stuffing my face so? I do it all the time. All. The time. Many times I eat till I am sick to my stomach.

A few months ago my mother came to me and said that she was having a party for her 60th birthday, I was full and I mean FULL of the dread. I didn’t want to go. I love my mom, but I didn’t want to sit on a plane (in seat that barely holds my fat ass and sucking in my breath to make the seat belt fit) and go and face my family. I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want to see myself. Call me paranoid, but I see them looking at me and feel them judging me. Really. We all know that they do. People look at people and make judgments. But at the end of the day, it’s Mom and I had to do it. So here I am. And yes, I AM wishing that I were someplace else. All because of something that I should be able to control.

I’ve been chatting lately with this woman I work with who also had a difficult time with food. She lost 108lbs, and has put on about 50 or so pounds. She and talked a lot about things we can do to make our lives not so much revolve around food. I do promise my self something. I get back home, I promise to change things. Yes, I am aware that I have said this type of thing before, however I have to keep making that promise to myself. I have to keep making that promise and hope that this time it will be THE time that it will work out. That will gather up all the tools that I need to be successful at this journey. This is the dragon that I want, need, to slay once and for all. I truly believe that my happiness, mental and physical health depend on it.

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