Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm just sad...

When we saw our heroine (me), she was contemplating telling TG that their time in the sun at set… let’s catch up.

So I knew that I had a really hard time letting go of him. Let us be clear, not him letting go of me. That I knew was not a problem. That somehow made it even sadder.

This is the email that I sent him on September 21st, 2010. So what was the reason for the email? This is so stupid but here goes. I was driving home and we were talking, and he mentioned that I had told him that I wanted to talk to him. Which I had. But when he pushed and wanted to know why I wanted to talk to him and I couldn’t bring myself to say. I told him that I really wanted to see him to talk to him. I then told him I was approaching his exit and could stop of to see him then. He then started to make excuses about not really having time or being busy. And it got sort of ugly. Not bad ugly just not cool. I hung up on him and he called back etc. The next day I sent him this email.

I don’t like it when we argue or have harsh words for each other. That has never been us, it should stay that way. I wanted to see you because I miss you. I really do, after all this time, I still miss you when I haven’t seen you in while. I also wanted to see you because I wanted to tell you something and have felt like what we had, or at least what I thought we had, and what you meant to me was deserving of a face to face. However, I think that this might be the better way to go about this…
L*****, our relationship has just gone on too long… I think it best if you and I no longer have any contact with each other. I know that I have sent you letters like this in the past, however I really, truly mean it this time. I could easily go on about why and how I feel etc. I used to want to try and explain it to you so that you would “get it”. But at this point it no longer matters.
I wish you happiness and peace of mind and hope that you would wish me the same. - April

That was that. He called me maybe once or twice since then. That’s it. I knew that it would be. The part of this that kills me is not that he didn’t love me. And to be honest, I don’t think he really did. The particularly painful part of all of this is that he wasn’t careful with my feelings. He didn’t care enough about me to be careful. I am forgettable to him. That is the part that feels so bad. It’s been 2 over two weeks. I know I won’t hear from him again. The pain is profound. I know it will pass, but for now I feel sad.