Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Back in the black...

Back in black I hit the sack I've been too long I'm glad to be back Yes I'm, let loose From the noose That's kept me hanging about I keep looking at the sky 'Cause it's gettin' me high Forget the herse 'cause I'll never die I got nine lives Cat's eyes Usin' every one of them and running wild 'Cause I'm back Yes, I'm back Well, I'm back Yes, I'm back Well, I'm back, back (Well) I'm back in black Yes, I'm back in black-AC/DC

Well hi! I know I have been MIA for months. My last post was in February. At the time I was feeling ok, but woefully uninspired. Still not sure how “inspired” I feel, but I know that writing is a skill I would like to cultivate and blogging helps me do that. I have and continue to, struggle with wondering if I SHOULD be blogging. Like, do I have anything to say? Am I being eloquent? What does keeping this going do for me? There have many other things that I have started for one reason or another, only to never keep at it. I don’t want this to be another one of those things. I would like to feel like I tried and it meant something. What new with me? Well…  

I got promoted at work! (Yay!) This means more responsibility and slightly more money. A part of my new job requires that I speak to people. This is the part of the job that makes me sick. Honestly, the thought of trying to make conversation with strangers gives me the shakes. I can be so socially awkward. Dear people who know me in real life, not with you fools. I know you and feel safe with you. It’s NEW people that make me nervous. Shrinker dude, has a theory, and wants to “work on it” with me. I have a feeling that I am going to just end up running down the street screaming.  

I moved! New apartment is awesome! I keep looking around and asking myself why I didn’t just do this before? It is almost as if I was walking around with a sleep mask on and ear plugs in. The difference in the way that I feel is amazing. The thing that really kills me is that I have lived alone before. So I knew what I was missing. But just didn’t (couldn’t) do anything about it, for YEARS!!! WTF?  

I lost weight! My frustration at my weight has been a long standing theme. Early this year I started Christina’s weight loss challenge. While I didn’t participate in the way that I wanted to, I have lost to date, 30 lbs since January. It has made a difference. Clothes that didn’t fit now fit. It is happening really slowly, but it is happening. For that I am grateful. I am ready, I think, to push myself a little bit harder.

Confession time--I have been going through the pre-weight loss surgery process. I have been going to the doctor every month, since January for monthly weigh ins. I’ve said it before, I will say it again. I don’t really want to have weight loss surgery. I don’t think it will, ultimately, solve my problem. However, I am sick to death of being THIS fat. My “grand plan” is to see where I am in October/November. I am going to do all the pre op work, but put the date off for as long as I can. If I find that I have lost weight  and it makes me feel like I’m really doing it, then I won’t have it. If I feel like I’m still a mess, then I will have it. I have to say this, and it’s really hard, but at the moment, I disgust myself. Not just because of the amount of weight, but the reason that it is there. I think that my obesity is a reflection of a lack of control. I don’t always know how to control my emotions; sadness, happiness, anger, boredom etc. In the past, when I didn’t know what to do, or how to do to it, I ate. I have noticed that I have been doing a lot less of that. Breaking the cycle of eating to soothe or numb is a hard one.

While I am not always successful, I am better. The fact that I am better makes me grateful and hopeful.