Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Losin' the lovin' feelin'...

Coming back from Shrinker man always makes me think. I imagine that that is a good thing. Meh…

This weekend I saw TG (that guy) and I told him what I had been thinking. Our time in the sun has set. (Ha! TV reference who can name it?) Anyway, his first inclination was to ask me, you found someone else? To which I answered truthfully, no. He then asked me why. I tried to explain to him, I just feel second best, and that what we have isn’t good enough. And frankly I’m a little fuzzy about what happened next. Other than we had sex… which entre nous wasn’t what it used to be. I mean it was better than a traffic jam, while having to go to the bathroom and definitely better than the best day at work, but it wasn’t as exciting, wet or juicy as it has been in the past. (Too much? Sor-ry)

Here is my problem. I love him. Or at least I used to love him. But it, he, is just not good enough. (Shrugs) He is still beautiful to look at. He still smells good. I still love his body. Etc Etc. But he is a liar, a cheater, and a good for nothing.

I think that the loving feelin’ is gone, gone, gone. Mostly anyway. I will miss him. But he’s really just no good for me. The hard part will be, making it stick this time.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ah Push it!

Talking about my blog with my group made me feel a little bit like I should be trying to get better at it. I was asked why I hadn’t posted, and I said that I really hadn’t had a whole lot to say. Which is true. That’s the thing about my “writing”. I can only do it when I have something to say. I can’t make myself do it –this is why writing classes scare me. What happens if I don’t feel like it?

My group sometimes intimidates me. People seem to be pretty successful and smart. One of the people in my group is an attorney and I’ll admit, I googled. The work he’s done is very impressive. Exactly the type of work I would do. Work that helps. As opposed to work that takes.

I’ve discovered that my natural instinct, when I hear about the things that people do, is to feel badly about what I don’t do. Or haven’t done. I’m not one of those people who derive inspiration from the accomplishment of others. I just feel shitty about me. And frankly, it makes me want to sleep. Here is the truth of it. I don’t think I am a complete imbecile. I really don’t. But there is definitely some kind of disconnect with me. Everything seems so overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I know that it does. I thought it was my depression, but even after 90 milligrams of Cymbalta, I want sleep. According to Shrinker man, it’s just a part of my personality. And he says that I have not ever really been pushed to do well. So, I say back to him, what do I do? How do I learn to push myself? He says that’s why I’m there. And he’s going to help me. Frankly, I think that he is still figuring that out himself.

While I don’t know how to push myself, I do know this; the thing is that no one is going to do it for me. I have to do it for myself. And I find the thought of it, fucking scary as fuck. I hardly have the energy to keep my eyes open. And I have to push… myself? To “greatness”? Really? What do I want to be great in? I dunno. This also is a part of the problem. What do I want to do? How do I anticipate getting there? SMH. Not entirely sure.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I am a bean spiller

I know I’ve been away for a while. Not that it matters. I have been thinking about coming on back, but just haven’t done it. Why not? Same usual reasons I suppose. Not much to say being one. Laziness being another.

Anyway, here is the news of the day. I've gone and done it. The thing I wanted NOT to do... I've gone and told people about this little experiment. I'm not sure how it happened; only that it did. I hoping they didn't really catch or get the name of it, but of course they did.

Today was group therapy, something I actually enjoy...however I'd much rather listen to the other people in my group talk about what's ailing them--as opposed to talk about what's ailing me. But I knew it. I even told my friend, Shrinker man is going to pick on me tonight for sure. And was I right? Uh huh...April on stage. And it wasn't bad, except somehow I said something that one of my co groupies (ha!) found "pithy" and I think something was said about writing or blogging or something, and before you know it, I'm telling them about Less of April.

The question is I suppose, is can I, will I, be honest on the off chance that they will bother? Should I go back and reread posts to make sure I haven't said anything embarrassing about my group members? I don’t think so but I do tend to go on, so maybe I did. Fuck me hard sideways. Well, is it what it is (don’t you hate that saying?)? I spilled the beans.

So read on reader. (Even if you are in my group)