Weight loss has been on my mind for way to fucking long...

This is a blog that I wrote for my myspace blog. (Remember myspace?) I wrote it at the beginning of the year in 2008.

With the start of the New Year, I've been thinking a lot about who I am and what I want to change about me. One of the main things that has come to mind are physical changes that I would like to see take place in me for 2008.

I've been a big girl for a long time. Granted, never as big as I am now, but I was always a full figured girl. Sure, I struggled with my weight. It's been up and down and while I did think a lot about it, it is safe to say that, most days, my weight usually did not cause me to feel bad about myself. Sure I was big, but, honey, I was sexy. I had sexy hair, sexy lips, great smile, awesome personality etc. Big, juicy, sexy girls not for you? That was ok. My attitude was, if you didn't like girls who looked like me, you could look elsewhere. And while you were at it, kindly move out of the way, as you were most likely standing in front of someone who was trying get a peek at me! Not to mention that I had always dated men who told me that they thought I was beautiful and desirable. Having said that, let the record show that I am NOT a fan of Chubby Chasers (men who only date fat chicks) I'm sure I'll write a little something about that soon enough.

Over the past several months I've gained a lot weight, and the additional weight has made me tired! As a matter of fact, I'm tired all the time, all I seem to want to do is sleep. I get home from work and feel like I have been digging a ditch all day. I just want to pass out. And my Lord, I am cranky! I had conversation with a friend a while back and I expressed all the things I've been feeling: Angry, Cranky, Sad, Depressed, Annoyed etc. She asked me what you are doing about this. I thought about it and answered: Eating.

What IS that? Could it be that food is my drug of choice? Am I being dramatic? Is that not overstating it? Maybe, but Over Eaters Anonymous exists for reason. Why is this the way my unhappiness manifests itself? One would like to think, that when I tried on a pair of pants that definitely fit me last year, but some how don't fit me this year, I would be inspired to go to the gym that I joined in July and take a walk on the treadmill. But it doesn't. Why doesn't it? Why is my reaction to go get a cupcake instead? I have not a clue. I remember when I found out that my ex-boyfriend committed the ultimate act of betrayal. Did I cry? Yep, sure did, while eating a pint of ice cream.

To anyone who thinks that I'm lazy, I assure you that I am not. To anyone who thinks that all I need to do is to get my shit together, I wish I could just do that. I wish it was just that easy. It isn't. Not for me anyway.

To answer the unasked question, Yes, I've thought of biratic surgery. Here are the cons:

1. I might get bobble head syndrome (Take a gander at Star Jones---she is a hot a mess)
2. I would most likely need a body lift because of the excess skin (sounds sexy doesn't it?)
3. It wouldn't help me with the problem I clearly have with food.
4. It doesn't always work long term. (Take a peek at Carnie Wilson)
5. I might die! it's a pretty risky operation

I might die! It's a pretty risky operation.

So I don't want GP? Ok then, go on a diet, and go to the gym. Etc etc. These are things that I have done before, with great success. But lately, I have not had any motivation. None. What so ever. The question is: Why not? Why am I not caring enough about myself to make better choices? Again, I have no idea.

By no means am I apologizing for who I am. There are many good things about me. I am just owning up to an issue that I have and am trying really hard to figure out what I should do about it. It just seems to me that a brand new year seems like an auspicious occasion for a fresh start and some introspection.