Thursday, June 16, 2011

Your cheatin' heart...

“Your cheatin' heart will make you weep, you'll cry and cry, and try to sleep, but sleep won't come, the whole night through, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you. When tears come down, like falling rain, you'll toss around, and call my name, you'll walk the floor, the way I do, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you. Your cheatin' heart, will pine some day, and crave the love, you threw away, the time will come, when you'll be blue, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you.” -Hank Williams

Good old Hank. There are lots of songs about cheating, doing the cheating, being cheating on, and the aftermath of cheating. Lots of vengeance songs out there too. What do we think of cheaters?

When the scandal of Arnold Schwarzenegger first broke a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, Arnold is a dirty pigman. I wasn’t surprised, but just sort of disgusted. This man not only cheated on his wife Maria Shriver with their live in domestic worker, but also fathered a child. I was overcome with a feeling of ‘Dude, you can’t take it outside? You had fuck the help?’ It is just so… unseemly. However, Arnold as grimy as he is, is in “good” company.

New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is in the middle of a scandal that will likely destroy any his future political aspirations. It’s a shame, that he is basically tossing away his very promising career, because he can’t NOT send pictures of his little Mr. Man to various women on the internet. Is a little self control to much to ask Anthony?

A few more names come to mind when I think of cheating; Elliot Sptizer, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Gene Simmons, John F. Kennedy, Franklin D. Roosevelt, John McCain, Michael Jordon, Rudy Giuliani, Morgan Freeman, Prince Charles, James Cameron, Jesse James and Tiger Woods have not only cheated, but gotten caught doing so.

The question is why do men cheat? Yes, of course women cheat, however since I am a woman, who deals with men and this is my post on my blog, we’re going to talk about men who cheat. My own unscientific poll tells me that most men cheat. Almost every woman I know and every woman I asked if they have ever had a husband/boyfriend cheat on them answered yes. I remember years ago during that whole Clinton/ Lewinsky debacle, the topic came up at a dinner party. Mind you I was with my boyfriend at that time. I said something like well all men poke around so I’m not surprised. The men in the room were surprised at that statement. I got a lot of “April I’ve never…” Maybe those guys didn’t (I doubt that) but many many men do or have. It seems to me that many men, again, maybe not ALL, but many, maybe even most men cheat. By now you know that I Google everything. It’s my go to response. Don’t know? Google. I thought it might be interesting to Google just that, “Why do men cheat”? I started to type in Why do…and the men cheat part populated for me. Clearly enough people do so that the good people at Google deemed it prudent to populate the question for us.

The effects of cheating are significant and far reaching. It causes significant damage to your family, your relationship and how other people view you. We live in an age where people can send images of themselves across the country, across the world. Is that cheating? I don’t know. But I’m sure that Weiner’s wife thinks that it is cheating. I’m sure she feels violated. I have a friend whose husband spent an inordinate amount of time sexting and sex skyping and sex-IM-ing as well as sending pictures of HIS little Mr. Man. I can assure you she feels cheated on and violated.

I came across some information from M.Gary Neuman, who is according to his website is a “licensed psychotherapist and rabbi” as well as Oprah’s main expert on all things cheating. He says that that basically one in three men cheat. One in three. Further, the wife (girlfriend, partner) will never know about it. As a woman who has been cheated on, the question of course is why? While I think we know this, but the answer isn’t sex. Most men said that it was an emotional disconnection. A sense of feeling underappreciated. Hmph. Again, as a woman who adored the man that she was with, as woman who showed him every way I knew how that I loved him and wanted him and appreciated him (for frankly doing nothing) this statement makes me angry. It seems to put the ownership on the woman. Like we don’t do enough to make you feel good about being the big strong man. Sigh. Perhaps I am still feeling scorned. Here is a little lesson. Life gets in the way. We should never take each other for granted, however the garbage needs taking out, the kids diapers need to be changed, dinner needs to be made and the laundry folded and put away. I don’t always have time to say thank you. This does not mean I don’t love you. It means I’m busy taking care of our life. You should not use that as an excuse to philander.

I mean it when I say that cheating is far reaching. My father is a serial cheater or at least he was—he’s getting a little long in the tooth now and is not as handsome or charming as he once was. His cheating affected our family terribly. It affected the way I feel about him. It’s affected the way I interact men. Once after a woman called our house and left the vilest of vile messages on our machine, I took it upon myself to toss him out. I was disgusted, disappointed and so angry. Like really? Its one thing to do what you do outside, quite another to let the garbage come into your home. You hate your wife? Fine. But your job as a father is to protect your kids. My brother was 8. I was 17. Fuck you Daddy. Get out. (Which is pretty much what I said) My mother did nothing, said nothing and eventually took him back. I have remained resentful of this my entire life.

As long as there have been committed relationships there have been people who violate them. I don’t think there is cure for this one.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Life is made of sticom like moments...

Gather around Boys and Girls, for April has a story. New York City is the type of place where something happens every single moment. Many of those moments happen on the subway. This is one of the reasons why I love love love NY.

Earlier this week I was watching CNN and the reprehensible Paris Hilton was on with her mother, Kathy. (I really dislike Paris) Piers Morgan asked Miss Hilton what her empire consists of and she ran down the list. Fashion, House wares blah blah blah. As I turned the channel I thought to myself, who on earth would buy anything Paris Hilton.

Well kids, this morning on the subway I had a Paris Hilton bag sighting. It was a white messenger type bag with PARIS HILTON written over and over in multicolored grafiti style. “WTF”? I said to myself and decided to take a picture to share with all of you. The problem was that this woman wearing the offending bag was kind of far and at a strange angle. The thing is, when you are being a judgmental picture taking bitch, you don’t want people to see you being a judgmental picture taking bitch.

I had it my mind that I needed to be stealth. I needed to be slick. I needed to be incognito. So I sort of angled myself so that I could take the picture. So I snap a first picture. Meh, it was blurry. In my infinite wisdom, I opted to push my luck and snap another one. Of course the Universe was not going to be kind so of course the train jerked and my phone went flying… and landed inside the bag of the sleeping lady next to me. Awesome.

Let me explain and say that it wasn’t her purse, it was her “other bag”. Do women outside of the NYC have the “other bag”? The Other bag holds books or lunch or the good shoes. Anyway, what the hell do I do? I looked around and the guy who likely had been watching me NOT be slick, stealth or incognito is hysterical laughing. My new best friends says to me: “She's sleeping just take it out. If she didn’t wake up when it hit her, she won’t wake up at all.” I was torn... what to do? So I take the advice of the strange man, who at this point is my lighthouse in some serious fog, and reach into the lady's bag. Do I even need to say what happened next? Sleeping dogs never lie for very long, and of course she woke up and saw me. “What the hell are you doing?” No wait, I stammered as I tried to explain. My phone fell into your bag, see?” Sure enough, she looked down and saw the unfamiliar phone in her bag and thrust it at me while giving me the dirtiest of looks. I apologized over and over... I’m really really sorry…

She didn’t care. Sleeping Asian woman and I would never be friends and I can’t say that a blame her. I mean, what would YOU do if you woke up and saw a stranger rummaging through your bag? I settled in and just sort of tried to make myself as small as possible. Meanwhile my beacon of light, is still laughing. Likely excited to get to work where he can tell his coworkers about the crazy bitch he met this morning.

Right before she gets off the sleeping Asian woman looked at me and calls me a “fucking weirdo”. I don't blame her at all. I am fucking weirdo, not because I took the picture, not because I rummaged in a strangers bag and got caught. But because I think that shit is funny as hell!