One of the many things that I am going to work on this year is duh, my weight. While it was tempting, I opted out of Al’s plan. Not sure why exactly, I just did. I enjoy Alan a lot. There’s a lot of charm in his alleged gruffness. Oh, it’s alleged. I don’t think he’s mean. I think he’s fed up with excuses, his own and everyone else’s. He’s lost a ton of weight—he’s doing something right. Haters will hate and really should fuck off.
I toyed with joining WW…AGAIN. I haven’t yet…I still might. Something about joining a plan that I have joined at least 10 times in the past, just seemed so cliché to me. I also am feeling like I don’t want to pay for the plan. I am in a financial cliff of my own lately, and don’t feel like shelling out $40 bucks a month for a plan that I already know works, because I’ve lost and gained about 100lbs following it.
So what have I been doing these past 7 days? I have been not just watching what I eat, but actually eating with a plan in mind. I have been eating right---no white foods; whole grains; sticking with chicken and fish, drinking lots of water, eating my fruits and veggies and staying away from processed foods. I would like a more regimented plan this year, but I thought I would try that for now and see where it got me. I had this overwhelming feeling of detoxing. A good solid way of getting rid of all the butter, cream and crap I shoveled in my mouth the last 3 weeks of 2012.
I have not exercised. I want to. But I don’t know WHAT to do. I ordered a Lesilie Sanson DVD. We’ll see, something about walking in place makes me feel like an asshole. But we’ll see.
Speaking of being an asshole, let’s talk about what I did on Saturday. Saturday I did the most foolish thing in the world. I have been feeling really stressed lately. Work stuff has been…challenging and I have been feeling it. I decided the way to handle this stress would be to smoke it away. Me and Mary Jane have had pretty hands off relationship. We’d see each other on rare occasions and it was fine. TG (yeah I know---feel free to judge, I do.) has had a long love affair with her. It is what it is, that hasn’t ever really bothered me. Maybe it should, but it really never has. Although it might explain his…apathy about life. Anyway, back to Saturday. Well…first I was chill. I felt great actually. Happy and mellow. Smoked some more and got dizzy and kind of giggle-ish. Giggles turned into great guffaws. Guffaws turned into hysterics. Hysteria turned into panic. Panic turned to fear that was all consuming. Before the end of the night I was dying to get away from my own skin. It was really scary. He was there and sort of talked me down… put me in the cold shower and held my hand. It about 10 mins or so I was better. I had calmed down enough be starving. Sigh. 5 days of good clean behavior crapped up real good. Yesterday was fine, because I was in a post Mary Jane stupor, and felt pretty sick all day.
Today I feel better, but still not quite like myself. I want to kick myself. I totally took something that I have enjoyed on occasion, abused it to hell and now I can’t ever do it again. I’m not lamenting that part of it, but I am lamenting the fact that I went lost all control. WTF? Its killing me that I still don’t feel quite like myself. Ugh. I feel like such a fool.