Monday, January 7, 2013

Day 7 and April's a Fool

Day 7

One of the many things that I am going to work on this year is duh, my weight.  While it was tempting, I opted out of Al’s plan.  Not sure why exactly, I just did.  I enjoy Alan a lot. There’s a lot of charm in his alleged gruffness. Oh, it’s alleged. I don’t think he’s mean. I think he’s fed up with excuses, his own and everyone else’s.  He’s lost a ton of weight—he’s doing something right. Haters will hate and really should fuck off.

I toyed with joining WW…AGAIN.  I haven’t yet…I still might.  Something about joining a plan that I have joined at least 10 times in the past, just seemed so cliché to me.  I also am feeling like I don’t want to pay for the plan. I am in a financial cliff of my own lately, and don’t feel like shelling out $40 bucks a month for a plan that I already know works, because I’ve lost and gained about 100lbs following it. 

So what have I been doing these past 7 days?  I have been not just watching what I eat, but actually eating with a plan in mind. I have been eating right---no white foods; whole grains; sticking with chicken and fish, drinking lots of water, eating my fruits and veggies and staying away from processed foods.  I would like a more regimented plan this year, but I thought I would try that for now and see where it got me. I had this overwhelming feeling of detoxing.  A good solid way of getting rid of all the butter, cream and crap I shoveled in my mouth the last 3 weeks of 2012.  

I have not exercised. I want to. But I don’t know WHAT to do. I ordered a Lesilie Sanson DVD. We’ll see, something about walking in place makes me feel like an asshole. But we’ll see.  

Speaking of being an asshole, let’s talk about what I did on Saturday. Saturday I did the most foolish thing in the world.  I have been feeling really stressed lately.  Work stuff has been…challenging and I have been feeling it. I decided the way to handle this stress would be to smoke it away. Me and Mary Jane have had pretty hands off relationship. We’d see each other on rare occasions and it was fine.  TG (yeah I know---feel free to judge, I do.)  has had a long love affair with her. It is what it is, that hasn’t ever really bothered me. Maybe it should, but it really never has. Although it might explain his…apathy about life.  Anyway, back to Saturday. Well…first I was chill. I felt great actually. Happy and mellow. Smoked some more and got dizzy and kind of giggle-ish.  Giggles turned into great guffaws. Guffaws turned into hysterics. Hysteria turned into panic. Panic turned to fear that was all consuming.  Before the end of the night I was dying to get away from my own skin. It was really scary.  He was there and sort of talked me down… put me in the cold shower and held my hand. It about 10 mins or so I was better. I had calmed down enough be starving.  Sigh. 5 days of good clean behavior crapped up real good.   Yesterday was fine, because I was in a post Mary Jane stupor, and felt pretty sick all day.

Today I feel better, but still not quite like myself.  I want to kick myself. I totally took something that I have enjoyed on occasion, abused it to hell and now I can’t ever do it again. I’m not lamenting that part of it, but I am lamenting the fact that I went lost all control. WTF? Its killing me that I still don’t feel quite like myself. Ugh. I feel like such a fool. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Auld Lang Syne 01.01.13

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and old lang syne ? For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup ! and surely I’ll buy mine ! And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne. We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine ;But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne. We two have paddled in the stream,from morning sun till dine; But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne. And there’s a hand my trusty friend ! And give us a hand o’ thine! And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne.- Americanized version of Auld Lang Syne

I’ve never quite understood what that songs means. I googled of course, and apparently it could mean for the sake of old times. Ok well, since I don’t really know, I’ll just buy that for now. Whatever it means, it just always sounded so sad to me. Almost as if there is a longing behind it.  

Perhaps I am hearing that there is some conflict. Maybe the writer is conflicted about being comfortable with the way things used to or always have been. He or She, understand the old ways, the old habits the old friends.  She wonders if she really needs to forget them for new?  He wonders if he can make the changes that he needs do. What happens if those changes happen?  If so, then I totally understand the conflict.  I am conflicted all the time. I want, need and desire big change in my life. I want, need and desire big changes in the world I live in. Not just my little corner, but generally. I am sick over what is happening in this country—violence, anger, apathy and meanness.  It would be nice if we could get through this year without a mass shooting. It would be nice if there could be a year without such hate and venom.  I haven’t decided what if anything I can do about that. I suppose I could just do my best to put out positive energy and hope for the best. Seems weak though, I’m going to have to think about that one. 

I may not be able to do anything about the world however I know that I have the power to change how I live.  If there is something I don’t like about my life, I can change it. But I have to make the effort. That’s where I fall short. While the desire is there, the effort is not in line with that desire.  Every single year I say, THIS IS IT! THIS YEAR IS THE YEAR OF CHANGE.  Guess what happens? Not much. Some things change for a short amount of time then I go back to my old habits, which inevitably depress me.  Frankly, it is bordering on pathetic.  

The thing is though, that I want to change many things about my life and they way I live it. The start of the new year always seems like a good time. It is the Monday to end all Mondays.  I’ve heard lots of people talking about how January 1 is the first page of a 365 page notebook. I like that idea. Remember how we all loved the first day of school? The notebook was clean and fresh. The pencils were sharp, the crayons were new and pristine?  

I always want to change so many things. My weight, my relationship status, my work, school, how I deal with money etc.  I usually find all of those things overwhelming and nothing happens.  Tough shit. I need to change all those things. Might as well start now. 1 down. 364 more to go.