Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Time Time Time

I work with a lot of people who are younger than me. I mean, people born in the late 80’s young. People who when I say hey remember this or that…I get the blank stare. Eh… it happens. I remember when I was the young person on the job. Anyway, the reason that I mention that is because I was contemplating my life and where and what I thought I would be doing by now. Right around that time I found Olivia’s blog and she was talking about the same thing…and for no reason at all The Bangles version of the Simon and Garfunkel song, “Hazy Shade of Winter popped into my head. For those who have no idea what I am talking about, or just want to stroll down memory lane with me, here are the lyrics.

Time, time, time. See what’s become of me…
Time, time, time. See what’s become of me, while I looked around, for my possibilities.
I was so hard to please.
Look around leaves are brown and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.
Hear the Salvation Army band;
Down by the riverside it’s bound to be a better ride than what you’ve got planned…
Carry a cup in your hand.
Look around leaves are brown and the sky is a hazy shade of winter. Hang on to your hopes my friend; That’s an easy thing to say, but if your hopes should pass away;
Simply pretend…That you can build them again.
Look around grass is high, fields are ripe, it’s the springtime of my life. Seasons change with the scenery;Weaving time in a tapestry;Won’t you stop and remember me? Look around leaves are brown and the sky is a hazy shade of winter.
Look around leaves are brown, there’s a patch of snow on the ground.
While I am not exactly sure what I would be doing, I know that never in a million years did I think that by the time I was knocking on forty, (gasp!) that I would be here, like this; Overweight, under-educated and lonel. What exactly has become of me? What happened to all my possibilities? I hate to have such a pity party for myself, because I have some wonderful moments। I laugh a lot. I have a wonderful family (they drive me nuts—but I love them!) great friends and have had love in my life. But I thought I would be living this fabulous life. Traveling and living La vie bohème. Instead I’m just here, like this, always wishing that I could truly say that I have been there and done that. It just seems to me, every one else is doing better than I am। (Logically, I know that is not true. But...) They have jobs they like, relationships that are satisfying; they go to interesting far away places and I feel the green monster come up in side of me. I hate myself for that. The reason that I am here, like this, is me. I was afraid to be better and do better so I did nothing. Therefore nothing happened. Hardly rocket science.
Today I spoke to a young girl who works at my job, I’ve known this kid for a while now. I see so much of myself in her. She just seems like someone who needs a push… a push to get out of the neighborhood she lives in; a push to be who she is meant to be; a push to get away from her parents-- who seem to count on her for everything. My parents did and do that to me. Hell, my whole family does that to me. Need ANYTHING? Have a problem? Call April. I am the person who gets things done for everyone else.
While I am. Still. Just. Here. Thinking about the possibilities.

How it all went down today:

Social Today: Yes! Lunch with a different co-worker, than yesterday
Mood Today: Flowed for the most part! Food Today: Not so good.
Menu Today:

Breakfast: Coffee, drop of light cream and some 2%milk and 2 Splendas and a hand full of honey oat wheat pretzels

Lunch: 3 Samosas (Epic fail!)

Dinner: No clue. (If last night’s dinner was any indication that IS my problem)

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