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April vs. April

My mind is scattered today so this will most likely be all over the place as well…

Yesterday was Epic Fail.

I didn't go to WW.

I didn't do anything social yesterday. And it was a beautiful day.

I ate sausage and ice cream and loafed around. I didn't even scrapbook. Totally wasted my day.

I saw my “friend” last night. He choose the most awkward time to tell me he loved me. In my head I was like oh god why are you ruining this for me? But I just smiled my sexy smile and kissed him. But he loves me? He doesn’t. We are so not meant to be. He’s older. Has kids, one of whom is a little bitch, and doesn’t want more. I can’t say that I blame him. Also frankly, I think that he might be a little bit, well, gay. And don’t get me wrong. I loooooove the gays. I am a hag from way back. [My motto is that every straight girl needs a gay boyfriend] But I like my gays out and proud. Not closeted and having sex with me. Sorry. I’m funny like that. So April, if you think he’s gay, why do you even bother? Well smarty pants, voice in my head, I don’t know.

SPVIMH: Yes you do.

Me: No, I don’t.

SPVIMH: Yeah. You do.

Me: No…well ok listen. Here is the thing. I’m lonely. I am sad and lonely. He is available.

Love of my life—is with his wife.

Could have worked in a pinch—is just gone.

New guy full of promise—is MIA.

So yeah, older guy with gay tendencies is available and here. And sweet and funny. He’s better than being all-alone, which frankly I could not have handled last night.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. My level of loneliness is pretty high. I am lonely. I mean so lonely that it actually physically hurts. Sure, I have friends. All of who are married with children, or with someone or are single parents and therefore busy. That just leaves… me.

The interesting flip side of this is despite the loneliness; I can’t seem to muster up the energy to go out with the people who are available to me. I am supposed to meet a friend for potluck dinner in the park tomorrow. It sounds nice doesn’t it? And there is a part of me that wants to go, but there is still another part of me that just wants to hole up and stay home in bed with a book and my cat. [God that sounds pathetic doesn’t it?] I hear myself say those things and wonder what my problem is? Why am I this way? I have my theories of course. Not of which matter cause I’ve cloistered myself in the house with my books, my cat and my computer.

SPVIMH: Pull yourself together girl.

Me: I’m trying.

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