Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Stuffing my sorries in sack...

Got a package full of wishes, a time machine, a magic wand. A globe made out of gold. No instructions or commandments, laws of gravity or indecisions to uphold . Printed on the box I see. A.C.M.E.'s Build-a-World-to-be. Take a chance - grab a piece, help me to believe it. What kind of world do you want? Think anything. Let's start at the start. Build a masterpiece. Be careful what you wish for. History starts now...  – Five for Fighting, World

Holy shit balls. I’ve gained 5lbs. @#$%^&*()!  Here is the sad tragic truth about that.  I know exactly how I did it. No surprises here. I simply have stopped trying. I have put in zero effort. Because of my complete and total lack of effort, those 5lbs came back with a vengeance.
I’ve stopped thinking about what it is that I am doing. I’ve been eating whatever I want, in whatever quantity I want and hoping for miracles. Like what? Like really good fresh bread dipped in olive oil. Who does that?  In what world does that foster weight loss? Somehow I thought if my dinner consisted of a salad, I could get away with that sort of irresponsible behavior. This past weekend I polished off nearly an entire box  of Entenmann's Glazed Donut Holes Pop'ems. I knew I was doing it while I was doing it, but I did it anyway. There was also lot of other miscellaneous bad shit that I happily shoveled into my mouth. Bagels, French Fries WITH melted mozzarella cheese. Overall, I have allowed myself, over the last few weeks, to get really loosey gooesy and sloppy with my shit.  Dumbass. 
We all have a cross to bear. My cross is that I am a food obsessed and food addicted person. When in doubt about how or what I am feeling, I turn to food. In fact, I’m sitting here NOT hungry but thinking about my next meal.  I don’t know why this is the way I am, and I’m not sure that it matters. What does matter is that I am well aware of it, and frankly I know that I posses the tools to turn this around. The million dollar question is will I?
I have yet to start exercising, why?  Well, mostly because at my core I am as lazy as they come. It is much easier, after all, to sit and be comfortable. But how comfortable am I really?  I’m not. My feet hurt. My back hurts. I’m out of breath and tired all the time. I have to change stuff today. Not tomorrow or “Monday”.  Here is the thing, and trust me I know this part by heart.  I know without a shadow of a doubt, that if I want to be healthier, attractive and more energetic, I have make the effort to stop being this person this sad, fat person. I have to try and try really hard. It won’t happen magically. I have to put in the hours.  I have to think and plan and be methodical.   I am determined to make this change.  
Every morning I check my blogger dashboard, not only to check my numbers, but also see what everyone else has been up to. Christine posted something that is right in line with what I have been thinking.  Check her out: What she says is beyond the truth. The worst type of disappointment is the kind you have in yourself.  You can take a good long hard look in the mirror. Do some introspection and ask yourself.  Why are you here?  Why are you in this same exact place that you were (insert years, months or weeks here) ago.  What has changed? Are you better? Did you even try? No, did you REALLY try? Not the usual half assed bullshit?   My answer is no. I have not. Shame on me for just sitting and wishing instead of going out and making something change.   Regrets, I’ve had a ton!  I have to push. I’ve said it before I’m going to…and then zero.  Every year I look ahead to the next year and I say next summer I’m going to be…and you know what? Next summer I suck just as bad as I did the summer before.
Starting at the beginning again. If I want to stop being sorry, I have to stop acting and living sorry. Time to start working on becoming my masterpiece. 


  1. This resonates so much with me. Why am I still in the same place I was years ago? Because I've put in little effort consistently. If I could only be consistent about doing SOMETHING regularly. Fear paralyses me, it really does. I need to give myself a massive hug, then a pep talk.

    Good luck to you.

  2. Leah thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate it! I'm glad it resonated with you. I think a lot of us have this sort of problem. How can we do better and be better. I don't think that there is any other answer than just do it. Its tough though isn't it? Good luck to us all.

  3. i had a advisor once who said to close my eyes and lay back and visualize a hill that i am walking up that is very steep with a bag on my shoulders <><>now take that bag and shed all of it and put it in that garbage can over there,.,.now continue walking<><>easier huh???

  4. Putz, I love when new people visit. Thanks. That is a great visualization, I'm going to end up using it for sure!