Saturday, February 19, 2011

Peice of my heart...

(Come on…)
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah, An' didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can? Honey, you know I did! And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough, But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough. I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it,Take another little piece of my heart now, baby, (break a..) Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah. (have a..) Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah. You know you got it if it makes you feel good, Oh yes indeed.
- Janis Joplin

I was exited and nervous to see him. I heard the doorbell ring and I went to answer it… my heart did that thing. The fluttering, floating thing. He looked different. Older, puffier, grayer. His teeth… the smile I loved was different. But he looked at me and looked happy to see me. That is undeniable. He was happy to see me. As happy as I was to see him? Maybe. I don’t know.

I let him in and we hugged and did the face-rubbing thing that we did. He smelled familiar. We talked for a moment and I lead him in my bedroom. It didn’t take long, before we were holding and kissing and touching. He said he missed me. And I told him the same. I could smell the liquor and the weed on his breath. For the first time, it was off putting. Not off-putting enough for me stop him. But off-putting, nonetheless.

April: You’ve been drinking love?
That Guy: Yeah I had to take a few shots.
A: Why?
TG: My mouth.
A: Why don’t you take the medication he dentist gave you.
TG: That Oxishit made me feel fucked up.
A: You think it’s a good idea to have oral surgery and drink Rum and spoke pot?

It doesn’t take a shrink or professional to know that he is self-medicating. I self-medicate with food. More kissing, more touching him telling me that he missed me, that it had been too long etc. We had sex then. Every way possible. And it was… not like I remember. Better than sex with others. But not as good as it used to be for me. At one point in the middle of it, I remember feeling… this is awful and I don’t want to be here. But I couldn’t stop; it was almost like punishing myself. And afterwards… I cried. He looked at me and I could see the tears in his eyes as well. I asked him, what are we doing?

TG: We don’t have to. I don’t want this if you are going to be so upset.
A: But I do want this… I just don’t want this.
TG: I knew it. It was wrong but I just needed to see you and be with you.

And then the sobbing… about how he knew he was failure and asking me why he was a Cancer on everyone.

TG: I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do. I just want to run away. Will you come with me if I run away.
A: You can't. You don't really want to, and I won't go with you. That's not how I want you. You don't mean it anyway.

He was crying like a child. It was heartbreaking. What should I do? Should I tell him that enough was enough and we needed to be no longer or should I protect him and bolster him? I tried to do both.

I told him that I knew he could make the changes that he needed to be the man that his family needed. I told him that he should go back to school and turn his life around. I also told him that he and I couldn’t be together in any way, that our being together was thwarting any effort of his being with his family, as well as, getting in the way of my happiness.

I’m not sure if I made it better or worse, at this point he and I are both crying. He looked at me, with those eyes that I loved forever, and kept telling me over and over how much he had loved me and how torn he had been.

I left my bedroom and when I came back he was sitting at the edge of the bed, looking forlorn. Honestly, it broke my heart just to look at him.

I sat beside him and told him what I think I had always wanted to say. I told him how I had loved and only wanted him. I came right out and told him that I had wanted us to get married, make a home and have some babies. I explained that I had spent the better part of 10 long years wishing and hoping and praying that he would open his eyes and be proud to be with me, even after I knew that it was never meant to be. Finally I told him that the finality of that knowledge was devastating. I went on to tell him that I was not sorry that we had met nor was I sorry that I had fallen in love with him. The only thing that I was sorry about was that I had always been too afraid to tell him exactly what I wanted when I realized I wanted it. At this point, this man that I have adored for over 10 years began to wail.

TG: I know. I knew what you wanted and I knew I couldn’t give it you. I am a cancer April. I knew that you would be better with out me, because I can’t give you shit. I knew it but I couldn’t let you go because you are so good. You did everything right. You are smart, and beautiful and doing your thing and making moves. I’m a piece of shit. I’m not good for anyone. I’m not good for my son, my daughter, my Moms, my wife; she’s been waiting for me since she was 12 years old. I’m not good for you.

I sat there looking at this still beautiful man and my heart was breaking…it hurt to watch him. It hurt to be in the same sentence as his wife. He has a wife. And he should be with them. He should be with his family. He made a choice, regardless of the reason, and it wasn’t me. It was someone else. They should have him. And I am not saying that in a mean or angry way. He and I will never be right. This woman who has been waiting for him, deserves to have him. She deserves to have him with out my interference. He and I ruin any chance of he and she being together and successful.

Now, with all of this crying and sadness, you’d think we would stop having the sex. But we didn’t. We had sex 4 more times. Once in the kitchen. And it was still sad. And we both still cried.

When he said goodbye to me he held my hand and looked at me in a different way, all I could do was look at him back and shrug.

There is no moral to this sad, pathetic little story. I don’t know what is going to happen.

At some point, the crying, wailing, sobbing simply become too much and you have to move aside and let the smiling, laughing and sounds of joy back in.

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