Sunday, February 20, 2011

I want you to want me...

I want you the right way. I want you, but I want you to want me too. 
 Want you to want me, baby. 
Just like I want you. I give you all the love I want in return, sweet darlin'. But half a love is all I feel. It's too bad, it's too sad. You don't want me now, but I'm gonna change your mind. Someway, somehow, oh baby. 
I want you the right way, I want you. But I want you to want me too. Want you to want me, baby just like I want you. This one way love is just fantasy, oh sugar to share is precious, pure and fair. 
Don't play with something you should cherish for life, oh baby. 
Don't you wanna care? Ain’t it lonely out there? 
 I want you the right way, 
 I want you, 
but I want you to want me too. Want you to want me, baby, just like I want you. I want you the right way I want you, 
But I want you to want me too. 
Want you to want me, baby Just like I want you. – Marvin Gaye

“I want you, that’s what I want.” Said Big to Carrie. (They showed SATC, The Movie on NBC the other night.) Yes I know it’s a fictitious man speaking to a fictitious woman. But is that so out of the realm of possibility? That a man could say that to a woman and mean it?

I’ve been trying to convince myself that I am ok being alone. And obviously, if I never meet a man, I will have to be ok with it. It happens to lots of people out there. Good, funny, smart, attractive people who never find a partner. So I know you can live with it. But is life worth living without a man who loves me? Is life worth living without a child ever calling me Mommy? I literally feel an ache in my center when I imagine my life with out a man and child who love me. Who appreciate me for the things I stand for and the (fierce) way I love them.

When I think about him, TG (that guy), I am overwhelmed with the idea of this man loving me exactly that way that I loved him. It just would have been nice. I promise that I am going to get over this and I promise that things will get better, I just am feeling so alone and the feeling is overwhelming.

The other day I was on the subway, and I saw a man. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I got the “feeling” by looking at another man. He was very handsome, and had the swagger that I like. I was standing in the corner reading, Dead In the Family (whatever, I won’t be judged!) when he stepped into the car. And he looked at me. Really looked at me right into my eyes and smiled. I smiled back and held his gaze for a moment. There was a moment. The earth didn’t move, the angels didn’t sing. But Yankee hat, Navy Pea coat, Gray sweater, Blue Jean, Timberland Guy and me had that moment you have when you see someone and there is a mutual attraction. It doesn’t happen often but it happens. And I had the briefest of moments to decide, to hold his gaze a few seconds longer and see what comes of it? Or do I delve back into the world of Sookie and Eric and save myself? I choose to save myself. I could tell by my reaction to this stranger, that he would also lead me nowhere good. I could feel him staring at me while I read. No matter. I stopped really taking in what I was reading, but I was on a mission to save me. The train got more and more crowded and he got closer. I refused to look up. He got off at 7th Avenue, and I watched him walk away. Relieved. Annoyed. Embarrassed. He must have known I was watching because he looked back and sort of smiled a me quizzically. Train rolled out, I shook my head at myself and went back to exploits of Sookie and Company.

At the moment, the world of Vampires seemed a lot safer.

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