Talking about my blog with my group made me feel a little bit like I should be trying to get better at it. I was asked why I hadn’t posted, and I said that I really hadn’t had a whole lot to say. Which is true. That’s the thing about my “writing”. I can only do it when I have something to say. I can’t make myself do it –this is why writing classes scare me. What happens if I don’t feel like it?
My group sometimes intimidates me. People seem to be pretty successful and smart. One of the people in my group is an attorney and I’ll admit, I googled. The work he’s done is very impressive. Exactly the type of work I would do. Work that helps. As opposed to work that takes.
I’ve discovered that my natural instinct, when I hear about the things that people do, is to feel badly about what I don’t do. Or haven’t done. I’m not one of those people who derive inspiration from the accomplishment of others. I just feel shitty about me. And frankly, it makes me want to sleep. Here is the truth of it. I don’t think I am a complete imbecile. I really don’t. But there is definitely some kind of disconnect with me. Everything seems so overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I know that it does. I thought it was my depression, but even after 90 milligrams of Cymbalta, I want sleep. According to Shrinker man, it’s just a part of my personality. And he says that I have not ever really been pushed to do well. So, I say back to him, what do I do? How do I learn to push myself? He says that’s why I’m there. And he’s going to help me. Frankly, I think that he is still figuring that out himself.
While I don’t know how to push myself, I do know this; the thing is that no one is going to do it for me. I have to do it for myself. And I find the thought of it, fucking scary as fuck. I hardly have the energy to keep my eyes open. And I have to push… myself? To “greatness”? Really? What do I want to be great in? I dunno. This also is a part of the problem. What do I want to do? How do I anticipate getting there? SMH. Not entirely sure.
My group sometimes intimidates me. People seem to be pretty successful and smart. One of the people in my group is an attorney and I’ll admit, I googled. The work he’s done is very impressive. Exactly the type of work I would do. Work that helps. As opposed to work that takes.
I’ve discovered that my natural instinct, when I hear about the things that people do, is to feel badly about what I don’t do. Or haven’t done. I’m not one of those people who derive inspiration from the accomplishment of others. I just feel shitty about me. And frankly, it makes me want to sleep. Here is the truth of it. I don’t think I am a complete imbecile. I really don’t. But there is definitely some kind of disconnect with me. Everything seems so overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I know that it does. I thought it was my depression, but even after 90 milligrams of Cymbalta, I want sleep. According to Shrinker man, it’s just a part of my personality. And he says that I have not ever really been pushed to do well. So, I say back to him, what do I do? How do I learn to push myself? He says that’s why I’m there. And he’s going to help me. Frankly, I think that he is still figuring that out himself.
While I don’t know how to push myself, I do know this; the thing is that no one is going to do it for me. I have to do it for myself. And I find the thought of it, fucking scary as fuck. I hardly have the energy to keep my eyes open. And I have to push… myself? To “greatness”? Really? What do I want to be great in? I dunno. This also is a part of the problem. What do I want to do? How do I anticipate getting there? SMH. Not entirely sure.
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