Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ah Push it!

Talking about my blog with my group made me feel a little bit like I should be trying to get better at it. I was asked why I hadn’t posted, and I said that I really hadn’t had a whole lot to say. Which is true. That’s the thing about my “writing”. I can only do it when I have something to say. I can’t make myself do it –this is why writing classes scare me. What happens if I don’t feel like it?

My group sometimes intimidates me. People seem to be pretty successful and smart. One of the people in my group is an attorney and I’ll admit, I googled. The work he’s done is very impressive. Exactly the type of work I would do. Work that helps. As opposed to work that takes.

I’ve discovered that my natural instinct, when I hear about the things that people do, is to feel badly about what I don’t do. Or haven’t done. I’m not one of those people who derive inspiration from the accomplishment of others. I just feel shitty about me. And frankly, it makes me want to sleep. Here is the truth of it. I don’t think I am a complete imbecile. I really don’t. But there is definitely some kind of disconnect with me. Everything seems so overwhelming. I don’t know why, but I know that it does. I thought it was my depression, but even after 90 milligrams of Cymbalta, I want sleep. According to Shrinker man, it’s just a part of my personality. And he says that I have not ever really been pushed to do well. So, I say back to him, what do I do? How do I learn to push myself? He says that’s why I’m there. And he’s going to help me. Frankly, I think that he is still figuring that out himself.

While I don’t know how to push myself, I do know this; the thing is that no one is going to do it for me. I have to do it for myself. And I find the thought of it, fucking scary as fuck. I hardly have the energy to keep my eyes open. And I have to push… myself? To “greatness”? Really? What do I want to be great in? I dunno. This also is a part of the problem. What do I want to do? How do I anticipate getting there? SMH. Not entirely sure.

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