Less of April...

I am 19 days post surgery and things are going well. As of today I am down 28lbs. Everyday it gets a little easier. I think I underestimated how I would be feeling about food. I just seem to want it so badly. The most random things too. It is as though there is a conveyor belt in my brain and all the foods of my childhood as well as some favorites and NOT so favorites are passing through.  I can't explain it.  The social situations are, by far, the worst.  I skipped Christmas Eve and Day. I'm skipping NYE. I went to a baby shower this weekend and it was rough going. I know that I was doing that food eyeball thing that fat people do when they are trying NOT to eat.  (Fat person food eyeball is when an FP stares at food they are not eating with a longing that boarders on sexual) I will say that normally, I would just eat without thinking. I am finding that there is something to be said about NOT eating mindlessly. It's still hard. Day 4 was not good. Here's what I j...

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned. Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window . Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it! Release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open! Today is where your book begins…the rest is still unwritten." –Unwritten, Natasha Beniningfield The moment that I saw the guy in the lobby, I knew we were going to the same place. He knew it too. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he did the half smile and then looked away. He was an ok looking sort of guy, definitely handsome, in the same way that I "have such a pretty face".  Sure enoug...

The Moment We were in my kitchen. Kissing. Loving. Touching…everywhere. My back against the wall. You pressed against me. I was feeling… Consumed. High. Overwhelmed. Wanton. Humiliated. Overcome. Engulfed. Hazy. Confused. Elated. Conflicted. Sentenced. Energized. Hot. Enraged. Angry. Happy. Cold. Sad. Defeated. Loved. Wet. Discarded. Wanted. Replaceable. Crazy. I wanted you. I loved you. I hated you.  What did you do to me? How did this happen? What did I do to myself?  Can I get rid of you like that old coat? But it still fits. Never mind about the tear in the sleeve. Don’t look at the missing buttons. How can I look you and tell you to leave? Would it help if I hit you? Maybe. So I do. HARD. With feeling. With all the energy that comes from 12 years of frustration. You liked it for a second. Thought it was one our games. The look on your face when you realized I MEANT it. I WANTED to hurt you. Maybe make you feel how I have felt. I wanted to kill...

" If you can't hear what I'm trying to say If you can't read from the same page Maybe I'm going deaf, maybe I'm going blind Maybe I'm out of my mind. OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature Just let me liberate you Hey, hey, hey You don't need no papers Hey, hey, hey That man is not your maker."- Blurred Lines Robin Thicke The song has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. It's just what I was listening to while writing this. Robin Thicke could totally get it, in case you were wondering. Most of my male friends are gay.   GAAAYYY, honey.   Which while I have been, happily, letting my hag flag fly for at least 2 decades now,   sometimes it is nice to get the perspective of a straight, rather than a gay, male.   This has not always been the case. I used to have more straight male friends, not many, but a few. I have lost all of my straight pals to marriage and...

Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, Guess who's back. Guess who's back? -Emenim   I know. MIA for 5 months. Where have I been? I’ve been here and there. Lurking. Watching.   Not a whole lot to say. When you don’t have anything worth listening to, in my opinion, you should say nothing.   Clearly not everyone feels that way, based on what I’ve been reading.  Weight Loss:    Laughable really.   A part of the reason why I have opted to say nothing is because I’ve been reading other blogs.   I have felt… dumbfounded   that people who have been struggling with weight loss for years and are disappointed in themselves, don’t   seem to want to DO anything about it.   What is worse, I think, are the followers who are co-signing this behavior.   While I am all for forgiving ones self, there is way too much talk of “forgiveness”.     Listen, I know all...

Day 7 One of the many things that I am going to work on this year is duh, my weight.  While it was tempting, I opted out of Al ’s plan.  Not sure why exactly, I just did.  I enjoy Alan a lot. There’s a lot of charm in his alleged gruffness. Oh, it’s alleged. I don’t think he’s mean. I think he’s fed up with excuses, his own and everyone else’s.  He’s lost a ton of weight—he’s doing something right. Haters will hate and really should fuck off. I toyed with joining WW…AGAIN.  I haven’t yet…I still might.  Something about joining a plan that I have joined at least 10 times in the past, just seemed so cliché to me.  I also am feeling like I don’t want to pay for the plan. I am in a financial cliff of my own lately, and don’t feel like shelling out $40 bucks a month for a plan that I already know works, because I’ve lost and gained about 100lbs following it.   So what have I been doing these past 7 days?   I have been not jus...