Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Moment...

The Moment

We were in my kitchen. Kissing. Loving. Touching…everywhere.
My back against the wall. You pressed against me. I was feeling…
Consumed. High. Overwhelmed. Wanton. Humiliated. Overcome. Engulfed. Hazy. Confused. Elated. Conflicted. Sentenced. Energized. Hot. Enraged. Angry.
Happy. Cold. Sad. Defeated. Loved. Wet. Discarded. Wanted. Replaceable. Crazy.
I wanted you. I loved you. I hated you.  What did you do to me? How did this happen?
What did I do to myself?  Can I get rid of you like that old coat? But it still fits.
Never mind about the tear in the sleeve. Don’t look at the missing buttons.
How can I look you and tell you to leave? Would it help if I hit you? Maybe. So I do.
HARD. With feeling. With all the energy that comes from 12 years of frustration.
You liked it for a second. Thought it was one our games.
The look on your face when you realized I MEANT it. I WANTED to hurt you.
Maybe make you feel how I have felt. I wanted to kill you.
I wanted you to go back in time and fix it. Make it right.
Make me the ONE. Not the distant second.
In the end, that's what it was all about. I was never first. 
That was the moment that I knew.

Sometimes I can’t think of sentence or phrase that can sum up my feelings.  It's usually a jumble of words that pop into my head.  I have found that it is better to let them happen, give in to my stream of consciousness.

Have you ever seen a building dismantled, rather than simply torn down? I’m not sure why exactly they do it that way. Sometimes, they want to preserve the bricks, other times they must need to be careful about the adjacent buildings. Over the past several months, I have been dismantling my relationship with TG, brick by brick. Too afraid to just tear us down. Too afraid to let him go. I was petrified that I would unravel at the seams. How do I explain to people how consumed I have been by this man? I don’t know why I choose this time to do it. Why not last year, why not next year why now? What was so different? I was ready I guess. Now, I know that I have said this so many times before, and I’ve said THIS IS IT! He and I? Me and him? We are through. Oh no, this time it feels different. Only to have it not be that different after all.

Well… this time it IS different. I have asked gently, firmly that TG remove himself from my life. I have told him the truth, which is that I can no longer live this way. The steady stream that you had to read through was an account of the day that I just realized that we were dead. Not just over, but dead.  It happened exactly that way. We were fooling around in the kitchen and I was taken over by every possible feeling that you could imagine. I had the feeling that my core, my heart, my soul was being ripped apart. Melodramatic? Maybe. But that was the feeling. I wish I had other words. I don’t though. I can’t tell you what came over me and I just slapped the shit out of him. It came out of nowhere. Before I could even stop myself---I had done it.

Throughout the course of our relationship I have often felt that I want to slit his throat then make him soup to make it better. Two Taurus people in a relationship. Too much passion. Too much everything. That’s made it amazing and tragic all at the same time.  My therapist has said to me that sex is the “glue” that has kept us together for so long.  It smarts when he says that to me. I’d like to believe that I am a deeper person than that.  I won’t try and pretend that our physical connection---which is epic, make no mistake about it-- is not a part of the lure that keeps me going back to this man; I just think it’s more than just that.  Without a shadow of doubt, this man is the love of my life. I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it, but he is. Sadly, it doesn’t matter. Like I told him, there has just been too much disappointment, too much sadness and too much deception to keep us going. He loves me. I know he does. It just isn’t enough. Not any longer.  

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