Blackbird singing in the dead of night take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free.Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, you were only waiting for this moment to arise, you were only waiting for this moment to arise. – Beatles, Blackbird
It is time to do something. It is make a move or die, time.
Less of April. That was goal, for there to be less, of April. I was hoping for less weight, less baggage, less stuff weighing me down. There is not less of me. There is the same of me. Well, sometimes less, sometimes more. The point is that what I wanted to happen, to lose weight, has not happened in the way that I wanted.
Back in October (2011), I decided the traditional weight loss methods were not working for me. I was feeling so sick and so tired of looking and feeling the way that I had been feeling. Feeling how? Lousy, Tired, Unhealthy, Ugly, Undesirable, and Invisible. Enough was enough. I went (AGAIN) to a surgical weight loss surgery (WLS) seminar. The feeling was the same. Why was I in this room with all these sad, defeated and desperate people? Because I was sad, defeated and desperate. The hope was to have the surgery in January of 2012. I soon found out, after wedging my fat ass in the seat, that I would have to wait six months before I could go for it. Bummer, but ok, April of 2012 it would be. Sure, I know that WLS is not my golden ticket. There are reasons for my compulsive overeating, going under the knife can cure none of them. I know that the problem is in my head. The requirements of health insurance companies (mine at least) is that you are required to participated in a 6 month medically supervised attempt at weight loss. So that’s what I did. I started visiting my doctor every month for check ins. Also, joined Weight Watchers—again. The “again” part KILLS me. How many times I am going to do this? How many times? Really April? AGAIN? What’s wrong with you? However, I went ahead and I did it. The thing is, in the back of my mind, I was hoping that the WW would just work. That something would finally just click and I would be able to do it this time. The truth is that I don’t want to have WLS. I want to take control of my emotions, my actions and myself and just put the fork down.
I’ve been reading a lot of weight loss blogs lately. Recently I came across The Desired Life, via Jane is Weighing In. E. Jane is participating in Chris’s 100 day Weight Loss Challenge. I hopped on over to Chris’s blog and read about her journey and was inspired. She has done really really well. Chris has allowed me to participate so guess what? I’m postponing surgery and I am participating in the challenge. Participating in a challenge is one the thing I haven’t done.
I am taking a deep breath, saying my prayers, crossing my fingers and diving in.
Chris has sent me the first question. I will work on my answer and post tomorrow.