Less of April...

With arms wide open Under the sunlight. Welcome to this place. I'll show you everything. With arms wide open. Now everything has changed. I'll show you love. I'll show you everything. With arms wide open. With arms wide open. –“Arms Wide Open” Creed I do not have children. I will never have children. This is not to say that I would not have liked to be a mother. I would. I just think that it I was meant to have one, I would have had it by now. I suppose at 43, I am still physically able to have a child or that I could adopt one. However, the older I get, the less I feel as though it’s something I want to do. Physically—let’s face it, I’ve had WLS and am planning on having extensive plastic surgery.   My obesity was like a noose around my neck, and I can’t run the risk of ever being like that again. Fear—I hate myself for saying this. There is a part of me is that is really fearful of having a special needs child. I know that young women have special needs kids...

*We’re still listening to Prince and Sheena* This issue of extreme artifice in women really has had me thinking. The issue of hair deserves its own space. Hence part, II. The issue of natural hair vs. processed hair is polarizing in the Black community. I will admit to being shocked/sad/irritated/disappointed when I see Black women whose hair is relaxed. It almost seems like smoking. Oh you still do that? Really? Insert confused face here. I don't mean to suggest black women who relax their hair or rock fake hair don't like being black. However… What DOES it mean when you can't look at yourself with the hair that grows from your head? What does it mean that you can't appreciate how fun and interesting your hair is? Full disclosure--- while my hair is "natural" I am currently blondish (hurtling at warp speed towards grey) which is decidedly unnatural. Mind you, I am sassy as hell, but decidedly unnatural. I had a conversation with one of my cousins about ...

  --> Look here...You got the look (you got the look).You must'a took (you must'a took) A whole hour just to make up your face, baby. Closin' time, ugly lights, everybody's inspected (Everybody's inspected). But you are a natural beauty unaffected (Unaffected). Did I say an hour? My face is red, I stand corrected (I stand corrected). You've got the look. You've got the hook. You sho'nuf do be cookin' in my book. Your face is jammin'. Your body's heck-a-slammin'.  If love is good. Let's get to rammin'- "You got the look"- Prince As my body has been changing I’ve been trying to figure out, not only, what my look is but also what makes me feel comfortable and pretty. What kind of clothes do I like? What should my hair look like? What’s my make up routine? I’ve spent or spend a lot of time thinking about that sort of thing. In the past I always felt relegated to a certain look. Now that I’m freer...

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady Men's shirts, short skirts Oh, oh, oh really go wild yeah, doin' it in style Oh, oh, oh get in the action, feel the attraction Color my hair, doing my nails Oh, oh, oh I want to be free, do you what I dar Man! I feel like a woman! -Shania Twain I’ll admit it.   I am kind of high maintenance.   Not as high as some, but I do put in some work and though into the way that I look.   The older I get the more I think I need it---little gloss makes me feel womanly.   Let’s face it none of us are 20 anymore.   It takes work to feel as though I am looking my best.   When I’m home it’s not a big deal---I have all my stuff at my disposal.   However, when traveling it can become a bit of a hassle. I’ve got lotions, creams, and hair product and make up. I also am a woman who believes in costume changes and I tend to over pack.   It never fails, I go on vacation, over estimate what I need and end up no...

…Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
. Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
 through the middle of my soul. 

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
 and a freight train running through the
 middle of my head. 
Only you can cool my desire, 
I'm on fire… “I’m On Fire”- Bruce Springsteen Recently I had a conversation with an old high school friend of mine. It’s really interesting when you look at someone whose life you think you wished you had---but then you talk to them about their life and you realize that but for certain circumstances, we all walk a similar path. I am not married. Never been married. I have no children. I don’t own a home. I have always wished for marriage, children and home ownership. I feel sad and less than that I don’t have those things. That’s what we’re supposed to have right? Those are goals we’re supposed to strive for, right? My girlfriend has been married for 16 years. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding. She has a gor...

Veronica sits in her favorite chair and sits very quiet and still. And if they call her name that they never get right and they don’t then nobody else will. But she used to have a carefree mind of her  own, with a devilish look in her eye, saying You can call me anything you like, but my name is  Veronica sits in her favorite chair and sits very quiet and still. And if they call her name that they never get right and they don’t then nobody else will. But she used to have a carefree mind of her    own, with a devilish look in her eye, saying You can call me anything you like, but my name is Veronica . -Veronica, Elvis Costello  Aging Grandmothers:  One of my main reasons for coming to Haiti, was to see my grandmother, who I adore completely.  While I love her, I should be clear and tell you that she was never the warm and fuzzy type. She was always opinionated, cantankerous and if I am to be honest, sort of strange. Unlike my grandfather, she w...

I’ve got to change my of living, ‘cause troubles all that I can see. I gotta change my way of living, Lord trouble’s all that I can see. My life is in such a mess, there ain’t no one to blame but me. -Change my Way of Living, The Allman Brothers La Reaction-Weight Loss Predictably, my weight loss has been a topic of conversation. I knew that it would be. But it has been a surreal experience. It would seem as though my family doesn’t know what to DO with me. I have been fat my entire life. While they seem happy for me, I no longer fit into the box they had for me. (Shrugs). I’ve gotten a lot of the usual—Don’t get too skinny.  Are you sure you don’t want more food?  No, eat something else.  My internal answers are often as follows: Fuck you. No, thanks I’ve had enough. Fuck you again.  The staff at my grandmothers seem to be praying for my recovery. No, I’m not sick, but they are praying none the less.  I mean prayers are always welcomed, so thanks? (Ag...

Somebody get me a doctor. You better call up the ambulance I'm, deep in shock. Overloaded baby, I can hardly walk. Somebody get me a doctor (Ooh!) Somebody get me a doctor. How’s my health you ask? Well let me tell you… Somebody Get Me A Doctor; Van Halen A pox on the house of April: Common Colds and Ear infections: Before coming to Haiti, I had been battling a cold, given to me by my boyfriend. That cold decided to morph into something else.  Thusly, I came down with an ear infection to end all ear infections. I truly felt as though my ear was rupturing or that maybe my brain was going to start pouring out of my ears. I wasn’t really sure. So that sucked. Food Poisoning: My Aunt and Uncle have a beach house and that’s where we went to ring in the new year. New Year’s eve there was an amazing dinner. I made sure not to over eat or to mix to many things.  Before going to bed (after midnight 1/1/15) I made, what can only be described as a colossal error in judg...