Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Days of Our Lives- 259 days post surgery

“Sometimes I get to feelin' I was back in the old days - long ago. When we were kids, when we were young. Things seemed so perfect - you know? The days were endless, we were crazy - we were young. The sun was always shinin' - we just lived for fun. Sometimes it seems like lately - I just don't know. The rest of my life's been - just a show. Those were the days of our lives. The bad things in life were so few. Those days are all gone now but one thing is true -When I look and I find I still love you.” – Days of Our lives, Mercury

This week I have been in a very Freddie Mercury, worship-y sort of place. I love Queen. I couldn’t think of a Queen song that worked for this post, so I just picked a song I liked. Mercury’s last video was for this song, shortly before his death in 1991.

If you are someone who has been overweight, or if we are to be truthful, morbidly obese, as I was (People who know me, especially YOU---Ou mem mem—fix your face.  The fact of the matter is that I WAS morbidly obese—now I’m just obese.) you dream about losing THE WEIGHT.  You will be Beyoncé!  All of a sudden you will be golden brown, with a blond weave and an innate ability to twerk. (Real sexy twerking, not sad, Miley twerking.) The sexy beast that lives inside of you will be unleashed on the world.  You.  Will.  Be.  A.  Force.  To.  Be.  Reckoned.  With.  Oh, how your life will be different.  EVERYTHING will turn around for you.  You will have the magical life of the thin and desirable.  Make no mistake, thin people are desirable and they live a magical life. Once you’re thin, people will want to be around you.  You will be taken seriously.  That success that has been eluding you will, all of a sudden, be there.  Looking for love? Success? Happiness?  Just get thin and all your dreams will come true, because now you will be worthy of it.

Soooo I’m guessing, that none of those things will happen. I sort of hope they will, but the closer I get to goal (I’ve 43lbs to go—maybe more. I’ll check out how I feel when I weigh 150lbs) the less likely it seems that is what is going to happen.  When I sit down with myself and think things through in a less hysterical way, I think that things will change because I will hold myself in higher regard.  Hopefully, the more weight I loose, the more confident I feel.  God willing, the weight loss, coupled with the confidence, will eliminate the negative thoughts.  The negative thoughts that tell me that that nothing will change, and no one is noticing that my body is changing.  I don’t know why it doesn’t matter that people are telling me how great I look etc. The voice in my head is louder. That voice wants me continue to think that my life is mediocre, because at my core, I am mediocre. That voice, loves for me to think that it doesn’t matter how much weight I loose. That voice wants me to think, that thin or obese, I don’t deserve any of the joys that other people deserve.  In my heart of hearts, I know that the voice of doom is wrong. My value is not directly related to the number on the scale.  My value comes from within. I KNOW this. I’m working really hard on BELIEVING it.

1 comment:

  1. i guess maybe the deeper work can happen now? the focus on weight will no longer be a barrier, and this stuff that's always been there, but mixed in w the "weight stuff" can finally be cleared?

    ionno man, all of a sudden im feelin fucked up today too. i blame you.

    but im that dude; all will resolve in my favor.