Wednesday, January 8, 2014

27 days out...

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! – Fort Minor “Remember the Name”

27 days out…

The weeks since my surgery seemed to have flown by. I am in the pureed stage and am approaching the solid food stage.  To be honest, the pureed stage has been disgusting. Like my friend said to me today, mush is mush. Boy is it ever! 

I won’t lie kids; this past week has been rough.  I got my period January 2nd and have only lost 2lbs since then.  Please do not get me started on the fact that I got my period a week early and it’s been dragging on for 7 days, with no end in sight.  Being 41 currently sucks ass and can move on to sucking all the dicks.  I’m beyond frustrated by this. I was loosing weight really quickly and it was exciting.  However, I am happy to share that  as I type this I’m wearing a pair of pajama bottoms that haven’t fit in years.  That makes me happy.  But WTF is up with the stall? I called my doctor’s office and the nurse said that sometimes this happens but I have not reached the slow down stage yet.  Let me tell you right now, I am not interested in any stall or any delays. I want to reach my WLG (weight loss goal) YESTERDAY. 

I’m having a hard time with food too. I’m still watching the Food Network like its porn and I spend a lot of time thinking about food.  Things that are juicy. Things that are savory. Things are tasty and crispy and full of buttery goodness.  I know that the hunger is in my brain.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve had lots of company.  I know I probably should not have been cooking and baking for other people, but I have been.  I know I know, bad idea.  Being in the kitchen so much has made me keenly aware of how often I start to eat or lick this and that.  Kudos to me, because for the most part, I haven’t been. (Keeping a sugar free sucking candy in my mouth helped that, quite a bit) I will tell you something. I have found it interesting/appalling/eye-opening to me that my natural way of being is to sort of eat mindlessly.  Here is the thing and this is the thing I know for sure. This is it. My last shot at looking, feeling and being normal. Oh I’m sure that the Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM) would have a field day with me. 

If anyone from FAM is reading, calm down a second and hear me out.  I am supportive (no, really I am) of everyone’s right to accept themselves the way that they are, so long as they feel that they are the best "them" they can be.  I terrible truth is that I just don’t feel that I am at my best right now.  I think that the best of me is yet to come… in every way. Not just my size. 

I have said this before and it stands true. I will not be happy until certain things happen for me. In order for me to be happy I have to finish college, become a better writer, find my purpose in life, become a wife (a mother?), own a home and be at a desired weight.  There are more. But those are, in no particular order, the top 6 life goals of yours truly.  Happiness will not begin and end with the size of my waist or the number on scale.  I know that.  I could be a size 6 (which I don’t want to be) and be miserable.  But I know that I will feel better when I can walk up the subway steps without the wheeze. I will feel happiness when I can tell someone, honestly, that I went to such and such College and graduated with a degree in whatever.  There will be a certain pride when I purchase my own home where I can paint the walls whatever color I want or better yet, knock down a wall just cause I want to. I will find satisfaction when I have a piece that I have written and can share with people. Not like a secret blog where I mostly bitch about the bullshit that happens to me.  There will be joy in my heart when I introduce a friend to my new husband.  There will be no greater jubilation then when I finally figure out what my purpose in life is.  Like it or not those are, just a few, of the things that will make me happy. I don’t hate myself. I just know that I can be better all around. 

I would like to see myself do it. 

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