This is ten percent luck,
twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated
power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty
percent pain
And a
hundred percent reason to remember the name! – Fort Minor “Remember the Name”
27 days out…
The weeks since my surgery seemed to have flown by. I am in
the pureed stage and am approaching the solid food stage. To be honest, the pureed stage has been
disgusting. Like my friend said to me today, mush is mush. Boy is it ever!
I won’t lie kids; this past week has been rough. I got my period January 2nd and
have only lost 2lbs since then. Please do not get me started on the fact that I got my period
a week early and it’s been dragging on for 7 days, with no end in sight. Being 41 currently sucks ass and can move on to sucking all the dicks. I’m beyond frustrated by this. I was
loosing weight really quickly and it was exciting. However, I am happy to share that as I type this I’m wearing a pair of pajama bottoms that
haven’t fit in years. That makes me happy. But WTF is up with the stall? I called my doctor’s office
and the nurse said that sometimes this happens but I have not reached the slow
down stage yet. Let me tell you right
now, I am not interested in any stall or any delays. I want to reach my WLG
(weight loss goal) YESTERDAY.
I’m having a hard time with food too. I’m still watching
the Food Network like its porn and I spend a lot of time thinking about food. Things that are juicy. Things that are
savory. Things are tasty and crispy and full of buttery goodness. I know that the hunger is in my brain. Over the
past few weeks, I’ve had lots of company.
I know I probably should not have been cooking and baking for other
people, but I have been. I know I
know, bad idea. Being in the
kitchen so much has made me keenly aware of how often I start to eat or lick
this and that. Kudos to me,
because for the most part, I haven’t been. (Keeping a sugar free sucking candy
in my mouth helped that, quite a bit) I will tell you something. I have found
it interesting/appalling/eye-opening to me that my natural way of being is to
sort of eat mindlessly. Here is
the thing and this is the thing I know for sure. This is it. My last shot at
looking, feeling and being normal. Oh I’m sure that the Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM) would have a field day with me.
If anyone from FAM is reading, calm
down a second and hear me out. I
am supportive (no, really I am) of everyone’s right to accept themselves the
way that they are, so long as they feel that they are the best "them" they can
be. I terrible truth is that I
just don’t feel that I am at my best right now. I think that the best of me is yet to come… in every way. Not
just my size.
I have said this before and it stands true. I will not be happy
until certain things happen for me. In order for me to be happy I have to
finish college, become a better writer, find my purpose in life, become a wife
(a mother?), own a home and be at a desired weight. There are more. But those are, in no particular order, the
top 6 life goals of yours truly. Happiness
will not begin and end with the size of my waist or the number on scale. I know
that. I could be a size 6 (which I don’t want to be) and be miserable. But I know that I will feel better when
I can walk up the subway steps without the wheeze. I will feel happiness when I
can tell someone, honestly, that I went to such and such College and graduated
with a degree in whatever. There
will be a certain pride when I purchase my own home where I can paint the walls
whatever color I want or better yet, knock down a wall just cause I want to. I
will find satisfaction when I have a piece that I have written and can share
with people. Not like a secret blog where I mostly bitch about the bullshit
that happens to me. There will be
joy in my heart when I introduce a friend to my new husband. There will be no greater jubilation then
when I finally figure out what my purpose in life is. Like it or not those are, just a few, of the things that will
make me happy. I don’t hate
myself. I just know that I can be better all around.
I would like to see myself
do it.
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