I'm bored. I'm the chairman of the bored. I'm a lengthy monologue. I’m livin' like a dog. I'm bored. I bore myself to sleep at night. I bore myself in broad daylight coz. I'm bored. Just another slimy bore I'm free to bore my well-bought friends. And spend my cash until the end coz. I'm bored I'm bored. I'm the chairman of the board. –Iggy Pop, I’m bored.
Ah, look at all the lonely people. Ah, look at all the lonely people. Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been. Lives in a dream. Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door. Who is it for? All the lonely people. Where do they all come from? All the lonely people. Where do they all belong?- The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby
The other day I wondered if it was possible to die of boredom and/or loneliness. I still don't know but I have to tell you that I hope not, because if so my days are numbered.
I’ve never been someone who hangs out hard or parties in any significant way. It is one of my regrets. When I hear people talk about their crazy college days or how great their 20's were I get a little jelly. There is a significant amount of fun missing from my past. I’ve never played beer pong. It seems silly that this would bother me, but it does for some reason. Maybe I would hate beer pong. But I wouldn’t know. I don’t mean to make it seem as though I don’t have friends, because I do. April turned 40 in April. (I know people who talk about themselves in the third person are creepy. Sorry, I couldn’t help it.) Anyway, for my 40th my girls came from near and far to celebrate me. I was beyond moved. We had a great time and I enjoyed myself tremendously, and I felt loved. I really did. It means something I think, when people are willing to drop whatever they have going on in their lives to spend time with you.
I'm talking about dealing with abject boredom or loneliness, which feels dire. I deal with the week at hand, with an eye towards Friday. I love Friday, it is my most favorite day of the week. I find that Fridays are full of hope and promise. Anything can happen during the weekend, anything at all. It is likely that nothing all that different or special will happen, but something could. My problem is that most often nothing happens. There is something sort of…tragic about getting through the week and knowing that I am going to spend my weekend alone. I spend an inordinate amount of my time alone, and it sucks.
The day to day loneliness can be almost overwhelming. What do you with your day when it is looming ahead of you with no end in sight? My friends have husbands and kids and other responsibilities that don't include entertaining me. Shrinker dude suggested I do things that I like alone. Like movies shows museum etc. All that is fine, I've done that sort of thing and I really I don't mind. I just feel as though it is one thing to go to the movies alone on a Tuesday night, it one thing to go to the museum on Thursday morning. It is quite another thing to hit a museum or a movie on a prime date night. Movies alone on a Saturday night? No thanks. Museum on a Sunday afternoon? Yeah no. I cannot muster up the energy or the balls, to do those things during prime time. Weekend days and nights are for friends and couples. Not for lonely women. It just seems...pathetic. My biggest fear is that when faced with hours of nothingness looming ahead of me, I will turn and go running in to the arms of my nemesis. My faithful companion. My frienemy. Mangia. This weekend was a prime example of just that. I ate a lot of ice cream. A lot of it. It doesn’t take much for 30lbs to come running back. It’s not just loneliness, which stinks, but it is also the little practical matters of life. Let’s say you purchased an IKEA Expedit TV shelving unit. Who helps you put that together?
I feel like I want to be clear and say that this is not about not having a man in my life. It is much, much more than that. The very last thing I want is count on my boyfriend or husband as my sole source of entertainment. I imagine that would get old pretty fast, for both of us.
It is hard to come up with a solution or answer. “Go out and meet people” is hard to do and frankly is so counter to my personality. I need to figure it out though, because that putting together that IKEA Expedit TV shelving unit, is a two person job!