Gather around Boys and Girls, for April has a story. New York City is the type of place where something happens every single moment. Many of those moments happen on the subway. This is one of the reasons why I love love love NY.
Earlier this week I was watching CNN and the reprehensible Paris Hilton was on with her mother, Kathy. (I really dislike Paris) Piers Morgan asked Miss Hilton what her empire consists of and she ran down the list. Fashion, House wares blah blah blah. As I turned the channel I thought to myself, who on earth would buy anything Paris Hilton.
Well kids, this morning on the subway I had a Paris Hilton bag sighting. It was a white messenger type bag with PARIS HILTON written over and over in multicolored grafiti style. “WTF”? I said to myself and decided to take a picture to share with all of you. The problem was that this woman wearing the offending bag was kind of far and at a strange angle. The thing is, when you are being a judgmental picture taking bitch, you don’t want people to see you being a judgmental picture taking bitch.
I had it my mind that I needed to be stealth. I needed to be slick. I needed to be incognito. So I sort of angled myself so that I could take the picture. So I snap a first picture. Meh, it was blurry. In my infinite wisdom, I opted to push my luck and snap another one. Of course the Universe was not going to be kind so of course the train jerked and my phone went flying… and landed inside the bag of the sleeping lady next to me. Awesome.
Let me explain and say that it wasn’t her purse, it was her “other bag”. Do women outside of the NYC have the “other bag”? The Other bag holds books or lunch or the good shoes. Anyway, what the hell do I do? I looked around and the guy who likely had been watching me NOT be slick, stealth or incognito is hysterical laughing. My new best friends says to me: “She's sleeping just take it out. If she didn’t wake up when it hit her, she won’t wake up at all.” I was torn... what to do? So I take the advice of the strange man, who at this point is my lighthouse in some serious fog, and reach into the lady's bag. Do I even need to say what happened next? Sleeping dogs never lie for very long, and of course she woke up and saw me. “What the hell are you doing?” No wait, I stammered as I tried to explain. My phone fell into your bag, see?” Sure enough, she looked down and saw the unfamiliar phone in her bag and thrust it at me while giving me the dirtiest of looks. I apologized over and over... I’m really really sorry…
She didn’t care. Sleeping Asian woman and I would never be friends and I can’t say that a blame her. I mean, what would YOU do if you woke up and saw a stranger rummaging through your bag? I settled in and just sort of tried to make myself as small as possible. Meanwhile my beacon of light, is still laughing. Likely excited to get to work where he can tell his coworkers about the crazy bitch he met this morning.
Right before she gets off the sleeping Asian woman looked at me and calls me a “fucking weirdo”. I don't blame her at all. I am fucking weirdo, not because I took the picture, not because I rummaged in a strangers bag and got caught. But because I think that shit is funny as hell!