Skip to main content

Life is made of sticom like moments...

Gather around Boys and Girls, for April has a story. New York City is the type of place where something happens every single moment. Many of those moments happen on the subway. This is one of the reasons why I love love love NY.

Earlier this week I was watching CNN and the reprehensible Paris Hilton was on with her mother, Kathy. (I really dislike Paris) Piers Morgan asked Miss Hilton what her empire consists of and she ran down the list. Fashion, House wares blah blah blah. As I turned the channel I thought to myself, who on earth would buy anything Paris Hilton.

Well kids, this morning on the subway I had a Paris Hilton bag sighting. It was a white messenger type bag with PARIS HILTON written over and over in multicolored grafiti style. “WTF”? I said to myself and decided to take a picture to share with all of you. The problem was that this woman wearing the offending bag was kind of far and at a strange angle. The thing is, when you are being a judgmental picture taking bitch, you don’t want people to see you being a judgmental picture taking bitch.

I had it my mind that I needed to be stealth. I needed to be slick. I needed to be incognito. So I sort of angled myself so that I could take the picture. So I snap a first picture. Meh, it was blurry. In my infinite wisdom, I opted to push my luck and snap another one. Of course the Universe was not going to be kind so of course the train jerked and my phone went flying… and landed inside the bag of the sleeping lady next to me. Awesome.

Let me explain and say that it wasn’t her purse, it was her “other bag”. Do women outside of the NYC have the “other bag”? The Other bag holds books or lunch or the good shoes. Anyway, what the hell do I do? I looked around and the guy who likely had been watching me NOT be slick, stealth or incognito is hysterical laughing. My new best friends says to me: “She's sleeping just take it out. If she didn’t wake up when it hit her, she won’t wake up at all.” I was torn... what to do? So I take the advice of the strange man, who at this point is my lighthouse in some serious fog, and reach into the lady's bag. Do I even need to say what happened next? Sleeping dogs never lie for very long, and of course she woke up and saw me. “What the hell are you doing?” No wait, I stammered as I tried to explain. My phone fell into your bag, see?” Sure enough, she looked down and saw the unfamiliar phone in her bag and thrust it at me while giving me the dirtiest of looks. I apologized over and over... I’m really really sorry…

She didn’t care. Sleeping Asian woman and I would never be friends and I can’t say that a blame her. I mean, what would YOU do if you woke up and saw a stranger rummaging through your bag? I settled in and just sort of tried to make myself as small as possible. Meanwhile my beacon of light, is still laughing. Likely excited to get to work where he can tell his coworkers about the crazy bitch he met this morning.

Right before she gets off the sleeping Asian woman looked at me and calls me a “fucking weirdo”. I don't blame her at all. I am fucking weirdo, not because I took the picture, not because I rummaged in a strangers bag and got caught. But because I think that shit is funny as hell!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Stuffing my sorries in sack...

Got a package full of wishes, a time machine, a magic wand. A globe made out of gold. No instructions or commandments, laws of gravity or indecisions to uphold . Printed on the box I see. A.C.M.E.'s Build-a-World-to-be. Take a chance - grab a piece , help me to believe it. What kind of world do you want? Think anything. Let's start at the start. Build a masterpiece. Be careful what you wish for. History starts now.. .   – Five for Fighting, World Holy shit balls. I’ve gained 5lbs. @#$%^&*()!   Here is the sad tragic truth about that.  I know exactly how I did it. No surprises here. I simply have stopped trying. I have put in zero effort. Because of my complete and total lack of effort, those 5lbs came back with a vengeance. I’ve stopped thinking about what it is that I am doing. I’ve been eating whatever I want, in whatever quantity I want and hoping for miracles. Like what? Like really good fresh bread dipped in olive oil. Who does that?  In what wor...
4 comments
Read more

Guess who's back, back again? April's back, tell a friend.

Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, Guess who's back. Guess who's back? -Emenim   I know. MIA for 5 months. Where have I been? I’ve been here and there. Lurking. Watching.   Not a whole lot to say. When you don’t have anything worth listening to, in my opinion, you should say nothing.   Clearly not everyone feels that way, based on what I’ve been reading.  Weight Loss:    Laughable really.   A part of the reason why I have opted to say nothing is because I’ve been reading other blogs.   I have felt… dumbfounded   that people who have been struggling with weight loss for years and are disappointed in themselves, don’t   seem to want to DO anything about it.   What is worse, I think, are the followers who are co-signing this behavior.   While I am all for forgiving ones self, there is way too much talk of “forgiveness”.     Listen, I know all...
8 comments
Read more

Your cheatin' heart...

“Your cheatin' heart will make you weep, you'll cry and cry, and try to sleep, but sleep won't come, the whole night through, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you. When tears come down, like falling rain, you'll toss around, and call my name, you'll walk the floor, the way I do, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you. Your cheatin' heart, will pine some day, and crave the love, you threw away, the time will come, when you'll be blue, your cheatin' heart, will tell on you.” -Hank Williams Good old Hank. There are lots of songs about cheating, doing the cheating, being cheating on, and the aftermath of cheating. Lots of vengeance songs out there too. What do we think of cheaters? When the scandal of Arnold Schwarzenegger first broke a few weeks ago, I thought to myself, Arnold is a dirty pigman. I wasn’t surprised, but just sort of disgusted. This man not only cheated on his wife Maria Shriver with their live in domestic worker, but als...
5 comments
Read more