Friday, November 5, 2010

Time goes by so quickly doesn’t it? And I am likely the worst blogger ever. I never come on here and each time I do, I need to reset my passwords, because I can’t remember… oh well..

So this is my latest. Me and him. Well, so I sent him that email. And a few days after I posted, he started calling me. Calling me at work, calling my cell. He would do this every single day. At first it made me sick. Like literally sick to my stomach. Then it made me full of anxiety. Like, what should I do? Should I pick up? Should I call him back? After weeks of this; I called him. And well friends, again, it got ugly.

The main problem from my perspective is that , this man has never truly loved me. Never. And I have known it from the beginning. I don’t know why, but I opted to “stay” and try really really hard to make him love me. To make him see that I was the right person for him and that he was really missing something special. I also could never seem to get the words out… to tell him what I wanted and how I wanted it. Eventually it just deteriorated into a sexual relationship. And I suppose after ahem 9, almost 10 years. April was starting to see the light and I decided this was going to be one part of my life that I had control over.

Our conversation did not go well. He was angry and I was… pathetic. He spoke harshly to me and I cried… I also told him that I was sorry that I had ever met him… and for some reason this made him really angry. He told me that he was “going to make me listen” and that I was making “the real” him come out. And that he was going to tell me the truth about a few things. This frightened me. I was afraid to hear whatever it was that he was going to say… Maybe that he had never loved, me that I was stupid fat ugly easy bitch. That he had never been true or faithful and that I was fool. I knew for a fact that even if I had been thinking those very same things, hearing him say it would take me to a place that I would never recover from. I hung on him, and he proceeded to call me back over and over again… I spoke to him one last time and he told me he was coming to him home to talk to me. Here is the thing… I know this man… I do. And at his core. He is a selfish lazy man. I knew that he wouldn’t come. He has never come through. Why start now? Sure enough, he didn’t come. And I have to tell you that I didn’t expect him too.

Sick fact: I was disappointed. I knew that if I did see him I would get to touch him and kiss him again.

Once again, I sent him an email:

I hate what happened today. You were ready to hurt me on purpose. Please don't call me anymore. Please.

I don’t think I will hear from him again. Shrinker thinks otherwise. So does group. I have my doubts. My theory is that he can’t be bothered to hunt me down and seek me out. I’m not that important. His theory is that it’s not about me it’s about him and his feelings. He also thinks that he might “do something” to me. Again, I don’t think so. Shrinker man also thinks that somewhere deep down inside, I WANT this man to hurt me.

Wouldn’t that be something?

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