Monday, June 7, 2010

I don't wanna be a stupid girl...

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back. Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl. Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back. Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

(Break it down now)

Disease's growing, it's epidemic. I'm scared that there ain't a cure. The world believes it and I'm going crazy. I cannot take any more. I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me. Outcasts and girls with ambition. That's what I wanna see. Disasters all around, world despaired. Their only concern is ‘Will they fuck up my hair' ?–Pink, Stupid Girls

Have you ever felt stupid? I feel stu-pid! I’ve done things that I should and haven’t done things that I should. By now I should have been more in control of my life. I’m not.

Few weeks ago I got my credit report. Can you say appalling? The apt that I thought I could get this summer? Forget it. I am stuck here for another year.

I have no control over my eating. None. I just can’t seem to be around food and not eat it. I went back AGAIN, to WW. Sigh. That same week my uncle died and somehow I found myself making all the arrangements and got stressed and ate over it. My uncle’s death is just an excuse. If it weren’t him it would have been something else.

Today is Monday; Mondays are always my fresh start day. Let’s see how I do.

I found out to day that someone I have been chatting with, speaking with, having all types of phone, text, cyber sex with is married. I’m embarrassed and completely disgusted with myself. I don’t know why I didn’t know this before; I guess I choose to just ignore it.

But April feels like a dummy kids. I really really do.

Yesterday, I went over a friends place today. She shares it with her girlfriend. There was pang I felt. They clearly love each other and have created a home together. They also bought a new place in an area that I love. I want that. I want to love and be loved find happiness and create a home. Ideally with a man who loves me, but at this point I would love it for myself. At the moment, I am empty and stuck.

What do I do? How do I fix me? How do change the pattern of behaviors that have stalled my life? I’m seeing a therapist, and while it seems to be helping, I haven’t been able to get it together.

I want to be happier, healthier, more successful, more in control and it doesn’t seem to be happening.

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