Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Get on with it then...



“Don’t think that being fat means you deserve less of anything. For years, I believed that carrying around a few extra pounds meant I wasn’t entitled to fulfilling friendships, romantic love, emotional complexities, or even my own opinion. As a fat girl, I thought I had to settle. I didn’t speak up when I knew the answer in class. I didn’t ask for what I wanted in any area of my life. What a waste. Don’t wait to start your life until you get skinny. Someday you’ll look back on those excuses, whether you’re skinny or not, and realize it wasn’t your weight that held you back, it was cowardice. It makes just as much sense to say, “I’ll apply for my dream job when I lose 10 pounds” as it does to say, “I’ll apply for my dream job when I grow three inches taller.” Stop hiding behind your body. Figure out what you want, and go get it.” -Author unknown
I’m not sure where I found this.  I must read it somewhere and printed it out. I rediscovered it recently and when I read this again, it resonated with me so much. This has been me. I have allowed myself to be less than who I want to be because I was fat. I have been embarrassed about who I am and what I looked like.  I have done things that I am ashamed of, with people I didn’t like or respect, because I thought I didn’t deserved more or better. I have NOT done things, NOT gone places for the same reason. I sort of felt that I didn’t deserve to go or be happy or have fun. The feeling that I did not want to be, or did not deserve to be, seen has been at times overwhelming.  If I had a friend who said that to me, I would feel sorry for them. I would want to talk t hem out it. For me though, it has been hard to shake that feeling. The punishment for my fat is hermitism. (Yeah I made it up—Hermitism is the act of being a Hermit). I have allowed my obesity to be a sentence. I’m starting to feel as though it doesn’t have to be.  Let me be clear, that I don’t like how I look or feel. And no longer wish to be fat. I don’t want this little inspirational blurb to be the reason why I don’t get my ass in gear. There really is no reason why I shouldn’t try and do better. There is no reason why I should not demand more of myself at this at this moment.  When I think of what has been holding me down, I know that it is a combination of fear and laziness.  I need to figure out away not be so… cowardly.  I have been SUCH a coward and a lazy one at that.
 Years have gone by where all I have done is wished and hoped. Wishing and hoping hasn’t gotten me shit. Wishing and hoping is the long road to nowhere.  I have to get to the doing.  It is loathsome to me that I have become a broken record. “Today is the day!”  “The time is NOW!” I haven’t just said that about weight loss, I’ve said that about many things, so many, too many, things in my life.  I can’t think of a really reason that I should wait to do anything anymore.
I need an ass kicking. 

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Friend Making Tuesday (Thursday)...



So I’ve been around, just actually really busy with work and school.  I’m NOT a good multi-tasker.  As far as how I’ve been doing…meh not so good. Not straight up awful, but if I am to be truthful, I have not been nearly as good as I should or could be.  Believe me when I say, I am working on it each and every day.  But I stumble a lot.  I refuse to give up though.  Apparently our good friend and ring leader Allan, proposed an exercise, he called FMT, or Friend making Tuesday. I know its Thursday, but you’ll be ok. Just read along happily.  We’re to post the following questions as well as the answers on our blogs.  This is all in the name of learning more about each other so I am all in.   

1) I am how many years old, weigh this much, and aspire to weigh this much....
I’m 40; trust me when I tell you, that I think “40” sounds crazy to me. How am I 40? Shouldn't I feel different? Older more mature? I don't. But yeah, I am 40.  How much do I weigh? I have to tell you that I am reluctant to share that part of it with folks. To be honest, I’d almost rather tell you how many guys I’ve blown then tell you how much I weigh. However, we are being honest, and who cares really?  I think as of today, I weigh 272 lbs. I have weighed as much as 300lbs.  I aspire to weigh 150lbs.

2) I am following a great plan, and this is what I do....
I’m currently doing my best to follow the Allan plan. I’m not sure what else to call it. I have changed a few things around, but for the most part I’m following his plan.

3) When faced with a decision of whether to eat something in moderation or abstain, I choose to....
It depends. I find that abstaining is the better option for me. Moderation is an issue for me, in most things. A lot of the time though, I just cave.

4) I am employed as this, or I am not working but used to be this...
I am a fundraiser for a private university. One of many… just another cog in the wheel.

5) I have pets, and they are, named....
I have a cat. Her name is Jasmine. AKA Jazzy AKA Mimi.

6) My favorite snack food is.... and I can eat this many of them....
I love pretzels. I especially love pretzels and cheese. I can eat the bag, while guzzling coke or ginger ale. I also really like cinnamon sugar pita chips. I can plow through that bag as well.

7) I blog because......
I blog because I feel a need to spill my guts to strangers. That’s a part of it, for sure. I also think that I am frustrated writer. Hence the blog. 

There it is. That was fun actually.