Less of April...

I broke with my boyfriend the other night. Yep. I’ve had a boyfriend. For the past 10 months I’ve been dating someone.  On paper, and in theory, he was it.  I wanted smart.  He is smart. I wanted someone who was successful. He is successful. I wanted someone handsome.   He’s handsome. I wanted someone who was nice/kind. He’s nice/kind.   I also wanted someone who was funny.   Well…fail on that. He’s NOT funny. (Red Flag) But I figured that because I’m funny, we’d laugh at the shit I said. And we did.   Trust me when I tell you that I have the enviable ability to be funny for several people at once.  Anthony--- not his real name but we have to call him something-- and I met online.  He was a welcomed change to the derelicts that had approached me. His note to me was clever and smart and articulate. While he lived in the ‘burbs, he worked not too far from where I worked. From the moment we met I just felt as though it was wrong. ...

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! – Fort Minor “Remember the Name” 27 days out… The weeks since my surgery seemed to have flown by. I am in the pureed stage and am approaching the solid food stage.   To be honest, the pureed stage has been disgusting. Like my friend said to me today, mush is mush. Boy is it ever!  I won’t lie kids; this past week has been rough.   I got my period January 2 nd and have only lost 2lbs since then.   Please do not get me started on the fact that I got my period a week early and it’s been dragging on for 7 days, with no end in sight.   Being  41 currently sucks ass and can move on to sucking all the dicks.   I’m beyond frustrated by this. I was loosing weight really quickly and it was exciting.  However, I am happy to share that  a s I t...

I am 19 days post surgery and things are going well. As of today I am down 28lbs. Everyday it gets a little easier. I think I underestimated how I would be feeling about food. I just seem to want it so badly. The most random things too. It is as though there is a conveyor belt in my brain and all the foods of my childhood as well as some favorites and NOT so favorites are passing through.  I can't explain it.  The social situations are, by far, the worst.  I skipped Christmas Eve and Day. I'm skipping NYE. I went to a baby shower this weekend and it was rough going. I know that I was doing that food eyeball thing that fat people do when they are trying NOT to eat.  (Fat person food eyeball is when an FP stares at food they are not eating with a longing that boarders on sexual) I will say that normally, I would just eat without thinking. I am finding that there is something to be said about NOT eating mindlessly. It's still hard. Day 4 was not good. Here's what I j...

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned. Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window . Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it! Release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open! Today is where your book begins…the rest is still unwritten." –Unwritten, Natasha Beniningfield The moment that I saw the guy in the lobby, I knew we were going to the same place. He knew it too. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he did the half smile and then looked away. He was an ok looking sort of guy, definitely handsome, in the same way that I "have such a pretty face".  Sure enoug...

The Moment We were in my kitchen. Kissing. Loving. Touching…everywhere. My back against the wall. You pressed against me. I was feeling… Consumed. High. Overwhelmed. Wanton. Humiliated. Overcome. Engulfed. Hazy. Confused. Elated. Conflicted. Sentenced. Energized. Hot. Enraged. Angry. Happy. Cold. Sad. Defeated. Loved. Wet. Discarded. Wanted. Replaceable. Crazy. I wanted you. I loved you. I hated you.  What did you do to me? How did this happen? What did I do to myself?  Can I get rid of you like that old coat? But it still fits. Never mind about the tear in the sleeve. Don’t look at the missing buttons. How can I look you and tell you to leave? Would it help if I hit you? Maybe. So I do. HARD. With feeling. With all the energy that comes from 12 years of frustration. You liked it for a second. Thought it was one our games. The look on your face when you realized I MEANT it. I WANTED to hurt you. Maybe make you feel how I have felt. I wanted to kill...

" If you can't hear what I'm trying to say If you can't read from the same page Maybe I'm going deaf, maybe I'm going blind Maybe I'm out of my mind. OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature Just let me liberate you Hey, hey, hey You don't need no papers Hey, hey, hey That man is not your maker."- Blurred Lines Robin Thicke The song has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. It's just what I was listening to while writing this. Robin Thicke could totally get it, in case you were wondering. Most of my male friends are gay.   GAAAYYY, honey.   Which while I have been, happily, letting my hag flag fly for at least 2 decades now,   sometimes it is nice to get the perspective of a straight, rather than a gay, male.   This has not always been the case. I used to have more straight male friends, not many, but a few. I have lost all of my straight pals to marriage and...

Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, Guess who's back. Guess who's back? -Emenim   I know. MIA for 5 months. Where have I been? I’ve been here and there. Lurking. Watching.   Not a whole lot to say. When you don’t have anything worth listening to, in my opinion, you should say nothing.   Clearly not everyone feels that way, based on what I’ve been reading.  Weight Loss:    Laughable really.   A part of the reason why I have opted to say nothing is because I’ve been reading other blogs.   I have felt… dumbfounded   that people who have been struggling with weight loss for years and are disappointed in themselves, don’t   seem to want to DO anything about it.   What is worse, I think, are the followers who are co-signing this behavior.   While I am all for forgiving ones self, there is way too much talk of “forgiveness”.     Listen, I know all...