Less of April...

I wrote this back in August of 2010 and just never posted or sent it anywhere... Wyclef Jean, Haiti’s much-loved son has declared his candidacy for President of Haiti. Let me say first that I am not a political scientist nor am I an economist. What I am however, is a Haitian-American who loves Haiti. The January 2010 earthquake that flattened much of Haiti, displaced millions, and killed countless people has been a source of great pain for all of us who are of Haitian decent. The obvious question is what can Wyclef Jean actually DO for Haiti? I’m afraid that the answer is not very much. I am not questioning Mr. Jean’s intent, intellect or integrity. I am merely pointing what should have been obvious to Jean and his advisors. He has no real solid significant business experience. Like say a Jay Z or P. Diddy. Both of whom run successful, profitable companies. What is it about Jean which makes him qualified for such an enormous undertaking? Nothing. Yele (Jean’s organiz...

Time goes by so quickly doesn’t it? And I am likely the worst blogger ever. I never come on here and each time I do, I need to reset my passwords, because I can’t remember… oh well.. So this is my latest. Me and him. Well, so I sent him that email. And a few days after I posted, he started calling me. Calling me at work, calling my cell. He would do this every single day. At first it made me sick. Like literally sick to my stomach. Then it made me full of anxiety. Like, what should I do? Should I pick up? Should I call him back? After weeks of this; I called him. And well friends, again, it got ugly. The main problem from my perspective is that , this man has never truly loved me. Never. And I have known it from the beginning. I don’t know why, but I opted to “stay” and try really really hard to make him love me. To make him see that I was the right person for him and that he was really missing something special. I also could never seem to get the words out… to tell...

When we saw our heroine (me), she was contemplating telling TG that their time in the sun at set… let’s catch up. So I knew that I had a really hard time letting go of him. Let us be clear, not him letting go of me. That I knew was not a problem. That somehow made it even sadder. This is the email that I sent him on September 21st, 2010. So what was the reason for the email? This is so stupid but here goes. I was driving home and we were talking, and he mentioned that I had told him that I wanted to talk to him. Which I had. But when he pushed and wanted to know why I wanted to talk to him and I couldn’t bring myself to say. I told him that I really wanted to see him to talk to him. I then told him I was approaching his exit and could stop of to see him then. He then started to make excuses about not really having time or being busy. And it got sort of ugly. Not bad ugly just not cool. I hung up on him and he called back etc. The next day I sent him this email. I don’t like...

Coming back from Shrinker man always makes me think. I imagine that that is a good thing. Meh… This weekend I saw TG (that guy) and I told him what I had been thinking. Our time in the sun has set. (Ha! TV reference who can name it?) Anyway, his first inclination was to ask me, you found someone else? To which I answered truthfully, no. He then asked me why. I tried to explain to him, I just feel second best, and that what we have isn’t good enough. And frankly I’m a little fuzzy about what happened next. Other than we had sex… which entre nous wasn’t what it used to be. I mean it was better than a traffic jam, while having to go to the bathroom and definitely better than the best day at work, but it wasn’t as exciting, wet or juicy as it has been in the past. (Too much? Sor-ry) Here is my problem. I love him. Or at least I used to love him. But it, he, is just not good enough. (Shrugs) He is still beautiful to look at. He still smells good. I still love his body. Etc E...

Talking about my blog with my group made me feel a little bit like I should be trying to get better at it. I was asked why I hadn’t posted, and I said that I really hadn’t had a whole lot to say. Which is true. That’s the thing about my “writing”. I can only do it when I have something to say. I can’t make myself do it –this is why writing classes scare me. What happens if I don’t feel like it? My group sometimes intimidates me. People seem to be pretty successful and smart. One of the people in my group is an attorney and I’ll admit, I googled. The work he’s done is very impressive. Exactly the type of work I would do. Work that helps. As opposed to work that takes. I’ve discovered that my natural instinct, when I hear about the things that people do, is to feel badly about what I don’t do. Or haven’t done. I’m not one of those people who derive inspiration from the accomplishment of others. I just feel shitty about me. And frankly, it makes me want to sleep. Here is the ...

I know I’ve been away for a while. Not that it matters. I have been thinking about coming on back, but just haven’t done it. Why not? Same usual reasons I suppose. Not much to say being one. Laziness being another. Anyway, here is the news of the day. I've gone and done it. The thing I wanted NOT to do... I've gone and told people about this little experiment. I'm not sure how it happened; only that it did. I hoping they didn't really catch or get the name of it, but of course they did. Today was group therapy, something I actually enjoy...however I'd much rather listen to the other people in my group talk about what's ailing them--as opposed to talk about what's ailing me. But I knew it. I even told my friend, Shrinker man is going to pick on me tonight for sure. And was I right? Uh huh...April on stage. And it wasn't bad, except somehow I said something that one of my co groupies (ha!) found "pithy" and I think something was said about writin...

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back. Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl. Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back. Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl (Break it down now) Disease's growing, it's epidemic. I'm scared that there ain't a cure. The world believes it and I'm going crazy. I cannot take any more. I'm so glad that I'll never fit in. That will never be me. Outcasts and girls with ambition. That's what I wanna see. Disasters all around, world despaired. Their only concern is ‘Will they fuck up my hair' ? –Pink, Stupid Girls Have you ever felt stupid? I feel stu-pid! I’ve done things that I should and haven’t done things that I should. By now I should have been more in control of my life. I’m not. Few weeks ago I got my credit report. Can you say appalling? The apt that I thought I could get this summer? Forget it. I am stuck here for another...