tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22252811973583584012024-03-12T20:35:09.155-04:00Less of April...This is the journey of me...I am on a quest to change just about every thing about my life. Your guess is as good as mine, as to how it will all play out!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.comBlogger107125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-57814726639747241452018-08-12T16:27:00.000-04:002018-08-12T16:27:20.715-04:00Bikini Bottom...
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">For lots of reasons, all of them financial--we
decided not to go away this summer. Knowing that we’d have stay local, we opted
to get a county beach pass so that we could enjoy what the summer had to offer.
I’m glad to say that we’ve been putting good use it, by going to the beach
pretty much every weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Every time I go to the beach I take in the
women, all shapes and sizes, wearing 2 piece suits. Good for them—I wish I had
had that confidence prior to my WLS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">Until this past March hadn’t worn a 2 piece
since I was 7. I had wanted one so badly and my favorite aunt bought me one. I
remember how excited I was to wear it and how my mom ruined it for me. “You
can’t wear that—that’s for small girls, you’re much to big for that!” etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even after I lost the majority of my weight,
but pre any plastics, she suggested a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burkini" target="_blank">burkini</a>! She was DEAD serious. “You don’t
want to be seen… like THAT”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That stayed
with me forever, I can’t tell you how many years I refused to go to the
beach—and when I did I wore shorts and Tee shirts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a waste of time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">I have discovered that I can be critical of myself –without
self-loathing. Here’s to feeling good in the skin I am currently
in—<a href="https://www.plasticsurgery.org/cosmetic-procedures/arm-lift/procedure" target="_blank">brachioplasty</a> scars, wrinkled AF thighs and not at my optimal weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s good to be me. </span></div>
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</style>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-34896539276711900152016-06-17T09:25:00.001-04:002016-06-17T09:43:10.919-04:00Turn and face the change... <style>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes.
Ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look out you Rock'n' rollers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange)<br />
Pretty soon now you're gonna get older. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time
may change me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I can't trace
time<br />
I said that time may change me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
can't trace time”.</i> –Changes David Bowie</div>
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As always I’m thinking about change, thought I’d give a
little nod to our dearly departed Bowie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We’ve lost too many of the good ones this year. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Have I said how much weight loss surgery has changed my
life?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me say it now. Weight loss
surgery has changed my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No regrets.
NONE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, it is not an easy road
and there are definite pros and cons. </div>
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I was a big girl. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>300lbs
big and when I look back on the photos of myself it’s almost shocking to see
how big I was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When people who know me
look at photos of me, they always say “I didn’t know you that big”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Errr yeah you did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were friends, family, colleagues. You knew
me then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I promise you. “Wow”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep, wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I hated being that big, I took care to look as good as I could
given my limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried to find clothes
that were flattering and that I liked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Unless you have been overweight, you can’t imagine how hard that
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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The thing about the way my body was, while big, everything
was where it was supposed to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It all
lined up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s take my breasts for
example, in hindsight, my breasts were great—full, buoyant, lusted after and
enjoyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry that ever complained
about them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgive me boobies, for I
took thee for granted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I never really thought about the beauty of having a body,
while overly large, was propionate and pretty predictable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you were a man, who was so inclined, to
make the attempt and was ultimately successful in getting me naked, you knew
what you were getting into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No surprises
here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t hide 300lbs behind a
black tent, no matter how fetching the tent is. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But, I knew what being that heavy would mean in the long
run.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time I hit a weight
milestone, it scared me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>200lbs, 250lbs,
272lbs (why that number? Because when I weighed 272lbs it was my, then all time
high. The number that was going to make me take my life in my hands. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is, until 300lbs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>300lbs really really scared me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was slow, sluggish, unhealthy and tired. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>300lbs, unless you’re 7 feet tall, is the
beginning that is a death sentence really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was a matter of time before I started to feel the physical effects of
being that heavy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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Hop, skip, jump I have WLS and the numbers start go
down---which makes me happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my body
has lost its bounce, fullness and lushness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My body, in spite of how good it looks in clothes, in spite of what the
number that is says on the scale, is withering away. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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This is a common problem of the people who have experienced a "massive weight loss". In fact, this is image is often shared between those of us who have had WLS. </div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Sxa3XmtELyw/V2P47Mjt8ZI/AAAAAAAAAJA/6SAbEV09UeMFZef-MV9-mLUk47I_jbVJwCLcB/s1600/FullSizeRender-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Sxa3XmtELyw/V2P47Mjt8ZI/AAAAAAAAAJA/6SAbEV09UeMFZef-MV9-mLUk47I_jbVJwCLcB/s320/FullSizeRender-1.jpg" width="310" /></a></div>
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That is no joke, just trust me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Breasts? Think long stretched out tube socks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Arms? I can hear my arms slap against my body
when I brush my teeth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stomach? I don’t
know what <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/19_Kids_and_Counting" target="_blank">Michelle Duggar</a>’s stomach looks like, but it can’t be good and
neither is mine. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Same deal with my
thighs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shar_Pei" target="_blank">Shar Pei</a>. That is, I did, until a few weeks ago when I had an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abdominoplasty" target="_blank">abdominoplasty</a>
and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brachioplasty" target="_blank">brachioplasty</a>.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Right now I’m still in
some pain, I’m hunched over, walking pretty gingerly, the scars are fresh, I’m
rocking out with a drain in my stomach and I haven’t taken a shower since May
20<sup>th</sup>. * I still have to repair my breasts and thighs, but that’s
coming and I feel good about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I
said I “have to” repair breasts and thighs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In order for me to be happy, I need to have a body that matches the
matches the number on the scale and how I feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Having this wrinkly, deflated body makes me feel badly and has an effect
on my morale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It SUCKS having to wear
Spanx every day. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Weight loss surgery was the first step in what is turning
out to be long process towards good health and the body I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I’ll say it again. NO regrets. NONE. </div>
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* When I wrote this, I hadn’t yet bathed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my drains came out on
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;">June 11<sup>th</sup> </span>
and I am no longer a
member of the great unwashed.
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-2681037500299925462016-06-06T08:57:00.000-04:002018-01-03T13:32:16.069-05:00Sweet Child of Mine...<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">She's
got a smile that it seems to me reminds me of childhood memories. Where
everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky. Now and then when I see her
face<br />
She takes me away to that special place. And if I stare too long, I'd probably
break down and cry. Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine. Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet
love of mine. – </span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Sweet Child of Mine” Guns n’ Roses</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">
</span><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I've been thinking a lot recently about that fact that I am not a mother. It's got me feeling... A WAY. It's something that crops up every now and again. This last bout of motherhood on the brain (I think about this a lot) reminded me of something I wrote a while back, but didn’t post. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Last year, or ma<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif";">ybe even the year before,</span> Jennifer
Aniston appeared on Carson Daily. During the interview, she discussed how people
always want to know when she’s getting married or when she’s having children. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She expressed some frustration that the
perception is that her value as a woman is less than because is she unmarried
and childless. This caused Tamron Hall to piggyback on Aniston’s remarks. </span><a href="http://www.today.com/health/tamron-hall-jennifer-aniston-we-dont-need-have-kids-care-1D80110374"><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">http://www.today.com/health/tamron-hall-jennifer-aniston-we-dont-need-have-kids-care-1D80110374</span></a><span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">This feels
like the story of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I think we're all aware that </span>I do not
have children. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When talking to people
about issues with kids, I always preface my statement with “I know that I am
not a parent” before I say something. Why? I feel the need to beat them to the
punch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I know they are thinking
it, that because I am not parent, my input is without value. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">So you got
me, I don’t know what it’s like to worry about a child that belongs to ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Does this mean that I do not have maternal
feelings or instincts? Does this mean when some horrible tragedy befalls I
child that I do not feel it deeply and cry along with other people (parents AND
non parents) watching the same news item? Not being a mother does not mean that
I do not have empathy or understanding. I am very resentful of the implication
that some how you become a kinder, gentler person simply because you are
parent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all know that is not true.
Just watch the news and read the paper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why
is this? Why do people, women especially, who do not have children some how
dismissed? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">Listen, I
get it. When you become a parent, your priorities shift. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is nothing like being a parent—good and
bad. But is parenthood EVERYTHING? Does it make you more valuable as a person?
Would I be more empathetic if I were a parent? There is something that we do to
women who are not wives and mothers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
may not be implicitly said, but there is a sentiment that single, childless
women are less than or damaged in some way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Why aren't you married? No children either? Oh. (slightly sad look). </span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I remember years ago a friend of mine (who has since had a child) expressed to me the idea that she wanted to be a mother--not just so that she could have a child (which she wanted) but so that she didn't end up one of those "miserable, angry bitter bitches". I'll bet if were to mention that to her today, she would swear up and down that she didn't say it. But she did. And I'm sure that she is not the only person who thinks that. Being a parent makes life worth living, right? So when you aren't, your life is... what? A half life? A cursed life? <span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif";">Or perhaps j<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif";">ust a life that is</span></span> meaningless and empty? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">The notion that I am not a parent so therefore I am less kind, empathetic, loving, understanding or am somehow damaged in some way is galling and hurtful. There are things that I don't need to be parent to know (more on that at a later date). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;">I just think that we have a part to play in the world. Some of us are parents, some of us are not. I don't know that I think that one group is less or more important than another. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "arialmt" , "sans-serif"; font-size: 13.0pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-29151264475736416082016-05-29T22:36:00.000-04:002016-05-29T22:38:45.402-04:00Movin' on... <div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: "times new roman";">“I'm
movin' on</span></i><span style="font-family: "times new roman";"><i>, at last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
and I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone.
There comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by a</i><i>nd I have made up my mind that those days are gone”. </i>–
“I’m moving on” Rascal Flatts </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">I did it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">After countless starts, stops,
fumbles, frustrated moments, times of abject disgust and despair, I finally walked
across the stage and received my undergraduate degree in Sociology (Cha-ching!
I foresee big bucks in my future).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although
I know it's not a measure of my intelligence, NOT having a degree made me feel
inferior and less than.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s worse is
that people take this condescending tone when they realize that a person of a
certain age is working towards their undergraduate degree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s how the conversation usually goes once
they’ve realized I’m “in school”: </span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">Random Person:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh you’re in school? That’s great! What are you doing? </span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">April: Oh, I’m finishing up my bachelor’s
degree in Sociology. </span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">RP: (wide eyed) Ohhhhhhh. OK. Well, GOOD for
YOU! Good. For. You. </span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">I always get the sense that they want to punch
me in arm, pat me on the back and say way to go slugger all while wondering
what calamity had transpired in my life. Unwanted pregnancy? Drugs? Life of
crime? Problems. In. The. Fam-i-ly?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
killed me every time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">When I think back to who I was in high school,
all I can remember is this feeling of apathy for college. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew that I should go, and felt as though I
wanted to go—I guess, but couldn’t seem to muster up the energy of actually
applying to college. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HATED school and
only did well in subjects that I liked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If I didn’t care for the subject matter? Forget it, zero fucks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In addition, I had the worst guidance
counselor—her name was Mrs. Pravati. Boom, put that bitch on full blast, ‘cause
that’s her real name.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can see her face
in front of me right now—I remember every single thing about this woman. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a short, squat, brunette, with no
neck, bad teeth and a penchant for polyester suits—usually in a dark color that
she paired with a loud floral blouse. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Women
like this always wear blouses, never shirts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She sported a huge rock on her wedding finger and drove a light blue Mercedes
Benz station wagon, letting us know that she didn’t HAVE to do this, she worked
just for fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had cankles with fat
feet that she wedged into sensible pumps, which matched her suits; this
probably contributed to the unfortunate way she waddled as she made her way
down the hall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can recall her, very
clearly, telling me that I “might have a chance” of getting into community
college. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s more, I can remember her
saying that to me in front of my mother, and my mother just sitting there
letting this woman tear me down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Huh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grew up way back in the day, before each
kid was a special snowflake that had to be defended at all costs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I was kid, I was not special—I was a
tremendous disappointment. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So of course
Mrs. Pravati was right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I haven’t thought
about that in years, knowing my mother, she would deny this ever happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can assure you that it did and looking
back, I can see how that conversation sealed my academic fate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure enough, I didn’t bother applying to
college. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just randomly showed up at my
local community college and enrolled about a week before classes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure enough, I failed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never found my footing; I never made any
friends—nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A voice in my head told
that I should keep trying, but the louder, more dominant voice told me to
forget it--- You’re stupid. You’re disappointing. You’ll never do it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">Once I decided that school wasn’t for me—never
mind that everyone in my family and the majority of my friends all went to
college and on to obtain advance degrees—I knew that I had to work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found a clerical job at a small law firm
and started work there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The attorney I worked
for asked me repeatedly why I wasn’t in school would always answer the same
way. “I’m not cut out for school”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every
time I said that, his response was “bullshit”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Months went by and finally one day he offered
to pay for 2 classes in a paralegal program. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I took him up on his offer and in 18 months I
got my paralegal certificate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Soon after
I started working in law firms—all the while thinking to myself that I should
go back and I did a few times. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just
never seemed to be the right time and I never seemed to be in the right frame
of mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After jumping from job to job
for several years, I opted to get a job a university knowing that I would be
eligible for tuition remission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="background: white none repeat scroll 0% 0%; line-height: 14.5pt; margin: 0in 0in 4.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: large;">Let me tell you, it was hard and it sucked
most of the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were moments
that I felt I would NEVER get there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
8, hard earned years later, I did it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
the first time in my life, I can honestly say that I am proud of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an uphill battle the entire way
through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to stop so many times,
but I didn’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been 2 weeks now, and
I am still floating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did it, I have my
degree and no one can take it from me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next
stop, if I have anything to say about it, is graduate school. </span></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: 14.5pt; margin-bottom: 4.5pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: 0in;">
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-size: large;">Dear 20 something April 40 something April
fixed your misstep. You are forgiven and can move on. </span> </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-11908193388251929862016-03-12T21:18:00.001-05:002016-03-13T09:16:54.059-04:00Navigating adolescence<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "times"; font-size: 10.0pt;">I'm
on the edge of glory and I'm hangin' on a moment of truth. Out on the edge of
glory and I'm hangin' on a moment with you. I'm on the edge, the edge, the
edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge. I'm on the edge of glory, and I'm
hangin' on a moment with you. I'm on the edge with you. – Edge of Glory, Lady
Gaga</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My boyfriend has a 15-year-old daughter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She really is a good kid. I like her, she
likes me and we get along. My relationship with him would NOT be successful if
she and I didn’t like each other, so the fact that we get along is a
blessing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, there are few things
that concern me; I’ve shared them before. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Her hygiene is disgraceful, truly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t get it. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>She has this weird block on her race. She
refuses to identify as a person of color. She’s got a Black dad and a Latina
mom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At MOST she’s is biracial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At some point these things are going to be issues for her,
the writing is on the wall on that one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve decided, for the most part, to keep my distance from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If it comes up and sounds crazy, I say
something. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see how her dad is struggling to accept the fact the she
is growing up—he is in SUCH denial about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Actually, maybe denial is not right word. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s more like he knows its happening but it
devastates him and he wants to stop it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I keep telling him that, that train has left the station. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She IS growing up and he had better accept it
and adapt or he’s going to miss out on an opportunity to get to know her as she
turns into a young woman.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is a part of me that wishes we were closer. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We like each other but I’m not her confidante.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Not being her confidante is fine, but
sometimes I wish I were, because I want so badly to tell her things that I wish
that someone had told me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That might be
one of the biggest regrets I have in NOT being a parent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll never get to tell a young woman all the
things I’ve experienced and issues I’ve wondered about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would love to tell young women the
following: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>It’s ok to be curious about stuff. That’s
normal. There is nothing wrong with exploring you. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Not everyone should be permitted access to
you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boys, girls, it doesn’t matter. Be
choosy as to whom you call friend. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Someone that tries to get you to do something
against your will is NOT your friend. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Sex is great, but it’s not going anywhere. You
can wait. It will be there later. I promise.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>If you do have sex, PLEASE be careful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Understand that is YOUR responsibility. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do not trust anyone to care for your physical
and sexual health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, do not let him
put it in for “just a second”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Side
note---men will try this at every age. Trust me. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>No one is allowed to make you feel bad about
being yourself—even your parents. Tell people when they are hurting you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Take chances! Now this is tricky. You want to
tell kids to take chances, but you don’t want them to, accidently, kill
themselves or anyone or setting fire to the house. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, if there is something that seems
interesting to you, do that. Regardless of what your friends think. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Stand up for yourself. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">9.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Stand up for people who can’t stand up for
themselves.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Cambria; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">10.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Be
kind—to yourself and other people. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="margin-left: 21.0pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
Those
are the things that come to mind right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I just remember being so conflicted about so many things when I was a
kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was super emo and there wasn’t
anyone to help me navigate adolescence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I genuinely thought I had no value and it breaks my heart to think of
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I am able, I would like to help
her navigate her adolescence. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just to
make sure, as much as possible, that she make to the other side relatively
unscathed. </div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-81017951220145300932015-10-19T19:26:00.001-04:002016-03-13T09:35:50.100-04:00Arms Wide Open...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><i>With arms wide open Under the
sunlight. Welcome to this place. I'll show you everything. With arms wide open.
Now everything has changed. I'll show you love. I'll show you everything. With
arms wide open. With arms wide open.</i> –“Arms Wide Open” Creed</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I do not have children. I will
never have children. This is not to say that I would not have liked to be a mother.
I would. I just think that it I was meant to have one, I would have had it by
now. I suppose at 43, I am still physically able to have a child or that I
could adopt one. However, the older I get, the less I feel as though it’s
something I want to do. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Physically—let’s face it, I’ve
had WLS and am planning on having extensive plastic surgery. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My obesity was like a noose around my neck,
and I can’t run the risk of ever being like that again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Fear—I hate myself for saying
this. There is a part of me is that is really fearful of having a special needs
child. I know that young women have special needs kids, and that that older
mothers have perfectly healthy babies all the time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nonetheless, that is a real fear for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">`</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Selfishness—right now my life is
my own. I do what I want, when I want and the way that I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I were to be responsible for a child, my
life and the way in which I live it would have to change. I value my personal
time and personal space and think that maybe, I don’t want to share it with a
small person who needs me all the time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Finances—my financial situation
is a delicate balancing act. At any moment, it could all come crashing
down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Adding a child to that situation
would not help matters any. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">When I stop and read the words
I’ve written I feel a sense of shame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All those reasons are things that I can over come, but I just don’t
think I WANT to all that much. I’m ashamed that I don’t have the “stuff” to
over come those obstacles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am certain
that NOT having had a child will be the biggest regret of my life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">At the risk of sounding like
someone who subscribes to the Back-seat-drivers-school-of-parenting, I am going
to say this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am a live functioning
person, with a certain level of intellect, empathy, logic, and good old common
sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sure, I’m not a parent but I know
certain things for fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here we go: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My girlfriend Nicole has a
little boy with special needs. He doesn’t brush his teeth. He’s 5, almost
6.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not ok. She speaks of “picking
her battles” I’m not sure what battles she’s picking. He seems to run her and
their house. He’s a super picky eater. (Lots of kids are, and he’s special
needs. I get it) She lets him eats what he wants and leaves it at that. I don’t
need to be parent to know that her kid should be brushing his teeth. I don’t
need to be parent to know that his diet is horrible and that he is going to be
malnourished and vitamin deficient if this goes on much longer. He also doesn’t
take vitamins. He gets lots of services, Occupational Therapy included; I’ve
asked if she’s talked to them about it. She has not. And has decided that
she’ll just have him put to sleep and take him to the dentist. Umm, that seems
like the wrong way to go. But whatever, I’m not a parent. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My boyfriend has a daughter who
is 14. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s basically a good kid. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A little spoiled, but really, not bad at all
and I like her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There a few things with
her that I don’t understand: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none; text-indent: -.25in;">
<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She REFUSES to bathe. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Last summer we were away for a
week and she took TWO showers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This past
summer she took ONE. Getting her to bathe is a BIG DEAL. He’s started giving
her an allowance—the deal is the she unloads the dishwasher (I should be
getting some of that money because I do that more than she does) and takes a
bath ever other day. When I found this out I said “You PAY her for bathing?”
His response: “Don’t judge me, I’m doing what I have to do.” There is lots of
begging, and cajoling. I don’t need to be a parent to know that you need to
wash your ass every fucking day. Her hair is positively disgusting. I remember
once I was standing next to her and not only could I see how gross it was, the
smell was appalling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had to tell him
and when I did, he just looked really sad and said “I know”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know? You know? Get the fuck out of here,
“you know”. Make her wash her ass and hair!!!!! If she doesn’t there will be
some kind of hell to pay. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">She refers to herself as a “CWG” (Common White
Girl).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Her father is Black and her
mother is Latina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At MOST she is
biracial. I don’t need to a parent to know that her referring to herself as a
“CWG” will bite her in the ass, HARD one day. She’s asking to get her feelings
hurt. This is his fault and I’ve told him as such. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><b>There are no consequences to her action or
inaction.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Recently she told her mother to
get the “fuck” out of her room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did she
get punished? Did she get in trouble? Nah… she got an iPhone 6plus the
following week. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I have friends who have children
who don’t say hello. Doesn’t matter that Mom and Dad said to hello to April.
They just don’t do it. I am all for not making your kid kiss me if they don’t
want to. I was forced to kiss people and I hated it. Nothing worse then kissing
a stranger who smells like coffee and Vicks Vapor rub or mothballs. But
Goddamn… say hello---your parents are right there telling you that it’s ok.
Anything else is rude as fuck. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I had a friend tell me once that
her kid was “a little asshole” followed by a sigh and a confused laugh. Ummm
that’s YOUR kid. The fact that he’s a “little asshole” is funny because? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Another friend posted a video of
her daughter being a real smarty pants, down right nasty. The caption was “She
doesn’t listen to me LOL” LOL? LOL? REALLY? Fuck. Outta here. You suck as a
parent. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A </span>colleague<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> that I admire and respect admitted, proudly, that she was a "helicopter" parent. She said if she hadn't been her kid wouldn't have gotten out of college. This kid got in trouble almost every year with something. Plagiarizing, </span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">drinking and hazing. "I was able to get him out of every jam he got himself into". Your kid sounds like a tool. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My parents were terrible at
making me feel good about myself. I grew up feeling like the love I received
was conditional and that there was nothing all that special about me. In fact,
not only was decidedly UN-SPECIAL, I was a tremendous disappointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother would often look at me tell me “We
wasted our money on you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If were to
call her on it now, she would say that she was only kidding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Uh huh maybe, but that’s not what if felt like
then. Interestingly enough, I now know that I am loved by my parents. However, when
I needed to feel that way, I didn’t. Which is a bad thing. It affected my behavior
and decision making. I’m still paying that price. So that sort of parenting is
not the answer. Don’t be a dick to your kids. However… </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">What I am seeing now? Entitled,
spoiled, rude, the whole world revolves around me, aren’t I special
little bastards and I hate it. It makes me hate them but it really makes me
hate the parents. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I work at a university and I
have seen with my own two eyes what happens to these spoiled, entitled kids.
They are disgusting to be around. I had a parent tell me that her kid shouldn’t
take a class because<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“He doesn’t like to
write”. Oh bitch. WHAT? He’s in college. Maybe he should have gone to technical
school---which is not a bad thing---I’m just suggesting that perhaps
traditional college is not always for everyone. Because at this school? There
is writing, which you have to do in order to graduate. What this parent doesn't realize is that she is doing her child a GRAVE disservice: http://www.lifezette.com/momzette/coddled-kids-crumble/</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’ve asked friends and relatives
about the behavior of their children. I get the same response from just about
everyone: “I pick my battles”. Followed by the look. The You-don’t-have-kids-so-you-couldn’t-know-my-struggle-look.
</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You got me. I don’t have kids. I
have NOT A CLUE about the struggle of a parent. However, here’s what I DO know:</span></div>
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<ul>
<li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You don’t brush your teeth? They
will fall out.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You don’t wash your ass and
hair? They will stink. People will talk about you behind your </span>back and<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> eventually word will get back to you that you are the smelly kid. The “smelly
kid” label is a label that sticks. Just ask Vicky Costello. She was the smelly
kid of my youth. That label stuck with her till she left High School. No one knows what happened to her after that. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You refer to yourself as a race
other than the one that you belong to? You will get found out and your feelings
will get destroyed.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">You get your parents to pay your
way through life? Eventually they won’t be able to and you’ll have to stand on
your own 2 feet---and get what? You won’t be able to. </span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "calibri"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As much as I wish that I had
been a parent, a part of me is glad that I get to avoid all of this. I would
HATE to think that I would have a kid that a professor would look at and think “I
hate this little asshole” and that I was the one responsible for putting yet
another little bitch or asshole out into the world. </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-17968966751388057722015-10-18T18:07:00.003-04:002015-10-18T18:07:27.432-04:00You've got the look, Part II<div style="text-align: center;">
*We’re still listening to Prince and Sheena*</div>
<br />This issue of extreme artifice in women really has had me thinking. The issue of hair deserves its own space. Hence part, II.<br /><br />The issue of natural hair vs. processed hair is polarizing in the Black community. I will admit to being shocked/sad/irritated/disappointed when I see Black women whose hair is relaxed. It almost seems like smoking. Oh you still do that? Really? Insert confused face here. I don't mean to suggest black women who relax their hair or rock fake hair don't like being black. However…<div>
<br />What <i>DOES</i> it mean when you can't look at yourself with the hair that grows from your head? What does it mean that you can't appreciate how fun and interesting your hair is? Full disclosure--- while my hair is "natural" I am currently blondish (hurtling at warp speed towards grey) which is decidedly unnatural. Mind you, I am sassy as hell, but decidedly unnatural.<br /><br />I had a conversation with one of my cousins about her hair and she straight up said to me that when her hair is not "done" i.e. is in need of a relaxer it has a negative effect on her morale. Listen; far be it from me to suggest that anyone, much less a relation of mine, to walk around with low morale because they think their hair is ragged. I just think that this issue of hair comes from a deeper place. It's challenging to determine what is a fashion statement or an expression of personal style vs. a sentiment of deep personal loathing.<br /><br />I have a good friend who was deeply, deeply attached to hair that I can only describe as horrifying. Seriously. Worst. Shit. Ever. But she loved it. I told her repeatedly that she should wear her own hair, but I got excuse after excuse. Finally, after what we’ve both coined at the Weave Disaster of 2014 she finally started wearing her own hair. She looks amazing. Beautiful, natural, youthful and free. Another cousin (I'm loaded with them) in the past few years has gone backwards and embraced weavedom. It is shockingly bad and distracting. We're not close so I'll never be able to talk to her about it. But it makes me sad. Intelligent. Successful. Pretty. Hair, fucked.<br /><br />Because I find this topic so interesting, I wrote a paper about it for a class I took. I learned more than I wanted to know about African skin bleaching, Asian eye “corrective”, the quest of the perfect, Latin American ass. It has been suggested that women of color are victims of attempting to achieve a White standard of beauty. The notion behind this theory is that White people are thought of as being smarter, more attractive, more successful etc. That via colonialism we (people of color) have embraced the idea that we are some how less than, that we are only worthy if we are as close to White as possible. Obviously there is no scientific way to prove this. However, just within my own culture I have seen evidence of this. When I was a little girl, people would compliment my mother because I had a “bel tet” (beautiful head of hair). Sure some would say I was well behaved or cute etc., but the hair was a huge selling point. I remember when I got older and started getting my hair done at salons, the women would tell me how “lucky” I was to have such “good” hair. I had a colleague (An African-American woman) say to me repeatedly “You have such a nice grade of hair”. Now, this is hair that I have and don’t know any thing else, however it has always made me uncomfortable to accept a compliment about the texture of my hair—if you like the style color etc. that’s one thing and I thank you. But the texture? That’s genetics. I guess you can thank master for creeping into my ancestor’s quarters.<br /><br />Fucked up when you think about it isn’t it? But there it is.<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">
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Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-21321554804715637062015-10-04T21:26:00.000-04:002018-01-03T13:42:59.150-05:00You've got the look, Part I<style>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Look here...You got the look (you got the look).You must'a
took (you must'a took)</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>A whole hour just to make up your face, baby. Closin' time, ugly lights, everybody's
inspected (Everybody's inspected). But you are a natural beauty unaffected
(Unaffected). Did I say an hour? My face is red, I stand corrected (I stand
corrected). You've got the look. You've got the hook. You sho'nuf do be cookin'
in my book. Your face is jammin'. Your body's heck-a-slammin'. If love is
good. Let's get to rammin'-</i></span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"You got the look"- Prince</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As my body has been changing I’ve been trying to figure out, not only, what my
look is but also what makes me feel comfortable and pretty. What kind of
clothes do I like? What should my hair look like? What’s my make up routine?
I’ve spent or spend a lot of time thinking about that sort of thing. In the
past I always felt relegated to a certain look. Now that I’m freer to shop
around I feel as though I can really start to express myself. I’m still working
on it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While I’m figuring it out, I’ve been studying the women I see around me. This
has made me seriously wonder about some women. The lace front wig, weave,
colored contact, face beat within an inch of their lives, high heeled every day
all day, fake nailed, bitchy resting face type of women. I also wonder
about the women who don’t give a shit. Like do you not see that your sweater
has a hole in it? Did you not notice that your pants have a mustard stain? When
was the last time you combed your hair? To all of these women I ask “WHY”? Why
do you care SO much and why don’t you care at all? Certainly there is a happy
medium? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Full disclosure. I am girly girl. Not the most girly of girls, but I am no ones
“naturalista”. I wear make up every single day. I think that lips should be
lined and filled in with red, or purple or brown or pink and sometimes nude,
but not so nude that it looks like you aren’t actually wearing any lip color.
Think nude plus. Nails- both finger and toes should be polished. Hedges should
be trimmed. I get a full Brazilian every month, as well as an underarm wax—I
don’t have any hair on my legs, or I would take care of that as well. Eyebrows
(and I can not stress this enough) should be <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=on+fleek&defid=8092632"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">on fleek</span></a>
at all times. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">While I appreciate comfort, I also like pretty shoes. What I
have learned is the pretty shoes are NOT comfortable and looking uncomfortable
is not pretty. There is a never an occasion where the newborn baby calf walk is
cute or acceptable. The newborn baby calf walk often happens when heels are too
high or you just plain can’t walk in them. Oh what to do what to do? The
solution is pretty simple. 1. When walking long distances, give in to the ugly
yet comfortable shoe. I know, I know. But it’s really better for all parties
involved. Trust me. 2. Cute shoes can be worn at work and at a function where
there is mostly sitting. Perhaps the occasional walk to the buffet, ladies room
or dance floor. Do not attempt to walk across Miami International Airport
in the cute shoes. 3. Know your limits. If your limit is a 3-4 inch heel, then
that is your limit. I know. But all the practice in the world will not allow
you look and feel comfortable in 5-6 inch stiletto. <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3146201/The-moment-Mariah-Carey-capsizes-climbing-billionaire-boyfriend-s-yacht-high-heels.html"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Mariah Carey</span></a>
looks ridiculous. <a href="http://www.clutchmagonline.com/2011/04/when-heels-attack-wendy-williams-twitpics-her-feet-boy-are-they-scary/"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Wendy
Williams</span></a> needs helping walking to and from her platform on her show
(I’ve seen it with my own eyes). I think I’ve said enough.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Too much jiggle? Please, go be right with the Lord and get yourself a pair of <a href="http://www.spanx.com/shop/spanx/cat-38-catid-tab_spx_brand?&camp=kw=s3z4kqrpW_dc%7Cpcrid%7C46137532916%7Cspanx"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">Spanx</span></a>.
Since surgery I wear Spanx every day. EVERY DAY! I wear them under yoga pants.
I’m not playing around. Kimmie K (not that we are trying to emulate her) <a href="http://www.spanx.com/shop/spanx/cat-38-catid-tab_spx_brand?&camp=kw=s3z4kqrpW_dc%7Cpcrid%7C46137532916%7Cspanx"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">wears two
pairs at a time!</span></a> Beyoncé wears them and her body is sick. I say all
this to say that Spanx are your friend. Embrace that shit. Wow. I just went to
church on the virtue of Spanx. (Note to discuss with therapist.) </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My objection is to the supreme artifice. I have seen <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/makeupD0LL"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">YouTube videos of women</span></a>
who show you their makeup routine. By the end, they are a different
person. In the case of some of the Black women, they are a different
shade all together. Clearly perpetuating the message that Beauty = being
lighter? How much time are you spending <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=beat+face"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">beating your
face</span></a>? My make up routine is 11-13 minutes from start to finish. Yes,
I timed it. That includes face washing and moisturizing. I like looking
polished. I don’t like looking fake. Ok fine purple lips are kinda fake.
I know a woman whose daily routine is 30-40 mins. She looks good, I guess, but
she also looks fake. Like you don’t want to hug her because some of her face
will end up on your clothes. I also wonder about the men who like women
who look like that. What are you thinking when you meet a woman with
eyebrows that look as though they have been filled in with a sharpie and
eyelashes like a giraffe? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Perhaps I'm trying to unpackage something that's not really
there. However, when I see an Asian woman with UN-asian eyes (and the thing is
that it doesn’t really look not Asian, it looks like what you’ve done as an
Asian person. Had surgery to in the attempt to look less ethnic) blonde hair
and green contacts and it makes me pause. When I see black woman after black
woman with the tell tale signs of skin bleaching or the bad fake hair, I feel
it deeply.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What is it that you don't like about your self that makes
you feel as though you need to alter your appearance in such an extreme manner?
I'm not sure what to make of these women. I suppose I’m just wondering how,
when, why and where women received the message that we can’t look like
ourselves and still feel as though we are beautiful.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-28974479349308944992015-07-12T16:15:00.001-04:002015-07-12T23:01:49.113-04:00Man, I feel like a woman!<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;"><i>Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy, forget I'm a lady</i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;"><div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Men's shirts, short skirts</i><br />
<i>Oh, oh, oh really go wild yeah, doin' it in style</i><br />
<i>Oh, oh, oh get in the action, feel the attraction</i><br />
<i>Color my hair, doing my nails</i><br />
<i>Oh, oh, oh I want to be free, do you what I dar</i><br />
<i>Man! I feel like a woman! -Shania Twain</i></div>
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">I’ll admit it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am kind
of high maintenance. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not as high as
some, but I do put in some work and though into the way that I look. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The older I get the more I think I need
it---little gloss makes me feel womanly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Let’s face it none of us are 20 anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It takes work to feel as though I am looking my best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I’m home it’s not a big deal---I have
all my stuff at my disposal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
when traveling it can become a bit of a hassle. I’ve got lotions, creams, and
hair product and make up. I also am a woman who believes in costume changes and
I tend to over pack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never fails, I
go on vacation, over estimate what I need and end up not wearing/using some of
the stuff I take with me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t lie,
there is a part of me that doesn’t care, I like knowing that if I want and need
is there if I need it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">My boyfriend however is NOT high maintenance when it comes to
his appearance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is bare bones—soap
and deodorant sort of guy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>During the
week he makes a modicum of effort and wears a fresh shirt and pants everyday,
the weekend however he’ll wear the same tee shirt and shorts. I usually have to
give him a nudge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Sugar—please enough with
ratty shorts and tee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’ll give in
eventually, but it is accompanied with a lot sighing and complaining.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Every year, for the past 20 years, my boyfriend and his family
have rented a house in Cape May, NJ for a week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Last year I went for the first time and he was annoyed at the amount of
stuff I took.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "Why do you need so much stuff?" </span>This year, we had an extra
person in the car so he was on me about “packing light”. Pack light. Pack
light. Ok fine. I was ruthless with myself. I eliminated a bunch of stuff
and it was hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, yours truly
packs light and feels [relatively] good about it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The plan was for me to drive up to his place
and we would leave from there. I get to his place and notice the nice pants and
shirt waiting to be packed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Me: (Because I know my man) Why do you have real pants and a
nice shirt out?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Him: Because of the dinner. (Looking scared and nervous)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Me: What dinner?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">(His daughter looking at us back and forth because she knows
what's about happen)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Him: I told you...?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Me: No you did not.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Him: I didn't?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Me: No.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Him: I'll take you shopping.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Me:
Yeah you will.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #1a1a1a; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13.0pt;">Next
time I’m packing what I want. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-72443071114217971872015-02-01T22:29:00.001-05:002015-02-02T10:21:48.310-05:00Passion...<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">…Sometimes it's like someone took a knife
baby . Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul. At
night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through
the middle of my head. Only you can cool my desire, I'm on fire… </span></i><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">“I’m On Fire”- Bruce Springsteen</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Recently I had a conversation with an old high school friend
of mine. It’s really interesting when you look at someone whose life you think
you wished you had---but then you talk to them about their life and you realize
that but for certain circumstances, we all walk a similar path. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I am not married. Never been married. I have no children. I
don’t own a home. I have always wished for marriage, children and home
ownership. I feel sad and less than that I don’t have those things. That’s what
we’re supposed to have right? Those are goals we’re supposed to strive for,
right? <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My girlfriend has been married for 16 years. I was a
bridesmaid at her wedding. She has a gorgeous, handsome, successful husband.
She is beautiful, brilliant, extremely sought after and successful in her
field. They have a lovely home in the right suburb, nestled in the right school
district.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course they have children.
Two. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A boy and girl—naturally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their kids are adorable, smart and
talented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They have a dog and a cat. She
drives a Range Rover and he drives a Mercedes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They go on fun and interesting vacations a few times a year. My friend
is miserable. Hers is a life with no passion she says.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For at least 10 of the 16 years she has been
married she has been carrying on an affair–or affairs-interludes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She does not consider herself to be a person
who has sexual addictions. She just feels as though there is something missing
from her life. While we spoke she expressed her misery to me. She and her
husband have plenty of money. He is not abusive or unkind. Yet, she is
tragically sad and lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t know the stressors of marriage or child rearing. But
I understand the loneliness and sadness even while in a relationship. I think
I’ve shared this before, but I often feel like a caged animal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am haunted by this overwhelming desire of
wanting get up, get out and go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, often,
dream of running away as fast and as far as I can. Leave everything behind me
and finally live the life that I have always wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sounds good doesn’t it? Here’s the rub. I
don’t know what I want or where to go or how to find it. I’m also a ‘fraidy
cat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am afraid of everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a toothless, clawless lioness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a certain level of fierceness, but
all the armor is gone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What happens if I
make a break for it? Worse yet what happens if I am successful? If I get out
there, I’m done for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps it is
better for me to stay in my cage and just look at through the bars with
longing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, it’s better to stay in my
cage where I know where everything is. Pathetic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure why this conversation has troubled me so.
Listening to my friend I felt pity. A certain level of understanding and a
frankly a smattering of judgment. I want what you have! What you are taking for
granted! Babies. A husband. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A pretty
house. A decent salary. A car that doesn’t need all the work in the world. A
job that I am good at and like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
get it. You can’t help it when you are unhappy. It just happens. It settles in
and envelops you like a warm blanket. After a while you forget what it was like
to NOT have the blanket. It’s just becomes part of what you wear every fucking
day. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I wonder what is going to happen to my friend. Will she get
caught? What will happen if she does? What happens when she stops being hot,
sexy and beautiful? She doesn’t seem to have any plans of fixing her marriage.
Currently her plan is to fly across the country and visit her high school
boyfriend, because she’s got something in store for him. <o:p></o:p></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-74642300162061575022015-01-13T09:31:00.000-05:002015-07-16T20:27:07.617-04:00Veronica: Aging Grandmothers<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Veronica sits in her favorite chair and sits very quiet and still. And if they call her name that they never get right and they don’t then nobody else will. But she used to have a carefree mind of her own, with a devilish look in her eye, saying You can call me anything you like, but my name is <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Veronica sits in her favorite chair and sits very quiet and still. And if they call her name that they never get right and they don’t then nobody else will. But she used to have a carefree mind of her </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></i></b><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><b><i>own, with a devilish look in her eye, saying You can call me anything you like, but my name is Veronica</i></b>. -Veronica, Elvis Costello </span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Aging Grandmothers: </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: large;">One of my main reasons for coming to Haiti, was to see my grandmother, who I adore completely. While I love her, I should be clear and tell you that she was never the warm and fuzzy type. She was always opinionated, cantankerous and if I am to be honest, sort of strange. Unlike my grandfather, she was down right anti-social. She never had any friends and rarely left her home. I’ll bet today, she’d be diagnosed with some kind of phobia. Her entire reason for being was my grandfather, their children and grand children.</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I last saw her 2 years ago for her 90th birthday. Yes, I noticed that she had slowed down. However, she was still herself and in top form. Two years later, my grandmother is no longer in top form. She can’t quite put her finger on who I am. She knows that I’m the person in the photo that hangs on the wall. She’s knows that I used to be fat, but she can’t seem to fix it in her mind that I’m April. It is a dagger in my heart. Last year one of my cousins told me that she had to remind our grandmother who she was. I remember thinking two things: A. That can’t happen to me. (I don’t know why I thought that—I just did) B. If that does happen to me I’ll be beside myself. Well, it DID happened and I am beside myself. I’m the 3rd grandchild of 20 total. Since I grew up in the United States, she didn’t see me as often as the rest of the kids. I spent every summer the occasional Christmas with them. Although the love was not demonstrative, I knew that I was loved. She knew my favorite foods and often had them on hand. When I was a little girl she knew the way I liked my hair best. She knew when my birthday was. Now can’t put her finger on who I am and it breaks my heart. I am salty that she knows my other cousins and brother, but is foggy about who I am. Please, spare me your logical thinking. “You don’t live in Haiti”. (My brother did for a while and most of my other cousins do as well) I know all that. But this this bothers me quite a bit. My brother has said that he thinks that not only is she 92, but I’ve changed quite a bit. I’ve lost weight and changed my hair. While I know all that, I do not think that I am unrecognizable. (More on that another time) </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: large;">I know it’s not her fault. She doesn't want to forget. But her mind, her strength and faculties are leaving her. There is nothing that she or anyone of us who love her can do about it. She has lived a long life and seen some things. Maybe I’m just sad that her time is limited. She’s tired and misses her husband. In the 10 or so years since my grandfather’s death she goes the the cemetery every 8th of the month. She talks to him and keeps him up to date with what’s happening with us. Lately, she has taken to asking him when he’s coming to get her. I realize that this normal progression. I just wanted her to be of sound mind and body until she just peacefully went to sleep one day. I HATE what is happening to her. Not just because I’m sure she’s frustrated, but because it hurts me so badly to see her deteriorate so. </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-36634702860275464602015-01-12T13:37:00.000-05:002018-01-03T13:33:12.331-05:00Changed My Way of Living: La Réaction<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><i>I’ve got to change my of living, ‘cause troubles all that I can see. I gotta change my way of living, Lord trouble’s all that I can see. My life is in such a mess, there ain’t no one to blame but me.</i> -Change my Way of Living, The Allman Brothers</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">La Reaction-Weight Loss</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Predictably, my weight loss has been a topic of conversation. I knew that it would be. But it has been a surreal experience. It would seem as though my family doesn’t know what to DO with me. I have been fat my entire life. While they seem happy for me, I no longer fit into the box they had for me. (Shrugs). I’ve gotten a lot of the usual—Don’t get too skinny. Are you sure you don’t want more food? No, eat something else. My internal answers are often as follows: Fuck you. No, thanks I’ve had enough. Fuck you again. The staff at my grandmothers seem to be praying for my recovery. No, I’m not sick, but they are praying none the less. I mean prayers are always welcomed, so thanks? (Again, April shrugs)</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">As only a fat person can tell you, when you are overweight, especially if the rest of your family is not, there is a barrage of “helpful” suggestions. Pleas for weight loss. “Tough” love, etc. Now that I finally have done what it seems the world was after me to do, there is this feeling that I am doing harm to myself. My reaction: Oh please. Take many seats and leave me alone. And if you are wondering, YEP I am planning on loosing more weight. Uh uh. How many pounds you ask? 30. Uh huh. No, it’s not too much, fuck you very much. If it sounds as though I am angry, it is because I am. I did this for me and I’m happy I did it. I am resentful that I am being questioned about my weight loss. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">My sister friend E (who is also Haitian and is familiar with the madness that comes along with being Haitian) said to me before my trip, that I should just prepare myself for the barrage and accept it. She suggested that I that I should say that I was done with the weight loss. She is a much better person than I. I can’t help it. I am, or can be, argumentative. Here is the thing. I don’t think I should have to sensor myself. While I won’t go up to people and announce to them that I plan I loosing 30 more pounds, I don’t think I should have to keep a truth that I am not ashamed of to myself. Jury is still out on that one. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When I was planning my surgery I told a handful of people. And I was very choosy about who I told and when I told them. My brother knew I was planning it about 4 months before I had it. The closer I got to the date, the more he asked me to tell our parents. Finally 2 weeks before, he straight up told me that he couldn’t (wouldn’t) keep my secret and told me to tell them. I opted to tell them exactly one week before. (I wanted to tell them the day before but my boyfriend but the smack down on that).</span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; min-height: 13px;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">In telling my parents about WLS, I made it clear that I did not want them to tell people. My father was affronted by this. When my mothers back was turned I whispered to him “It’s not for you, it’s Mom.” He nodded sagely, knowingly, like a man who’s been married for over 40 years and knows his wife and said “Mommy is a whole other story”. I give my mother a list of people she was NOT allowed to tell. The list was long and specific. Basically she was allowed to tell my father (who already knew) and her son (who also already knew). My mother did not keep my confidence and told, at least, one of my aunts. When I found this out last year I was beyond angry. I was on fire. She was on vacation when I realized it. I spent the day tracking her down and gave her a tongue lashing. I forbade her to discuss it further. Talk about a waste of breath. Everybody, including my grandmothers housekeeper, knows. I give up. My mother cannot keep a confidence. I won’t share with her anything that I don’t want broadcast to the whole world. Too bad. Lesson learned.</span></div>
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<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I’m not embarrassed about having had WLS. I just didn’t want the judgement that come along with it. Because people will and do judge. Hell, I judge it from time to time. I didn’t want to have to explain it to anyone. There are things that we do that we just do them for ourselves. The more I think about it, the more I wish that I had either told everyone right away or had told no one at all. Ah well. Too late for all that. I'll just live with it. </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-74489567784561704342015-01-10T07:54:00.001-05:002015-07-16T20:29:04.597-04:00Somebody Get Me A Doctor: A Pox On The House of April<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Somebody get me a doctor. You better call up the ambulance I'm, deep
in shock. Overloaded baby, I can hardly walk. Somebody get me a doctor
(Ooh!) Somebody get me a doctor. How’s my health you ask? Well let me tell
you… </i></b>Somebody Get Me A Doctor; Van Halen</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A pox on the house of April:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Common Colds and Ear infections: Before coming to Haiti, I had been battling
a cold, given to me by my boyfriend. That cold decided to morph into something
else. Thusly, I came down with an ear infection to end all ear
infections. I truly felt as though my ear was rupturing or that maybe my brain
was going to start pouring out of my ears. I wasn’t really sure. So that
sucked.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Food Poisoning: My Aunt and Uncle have a beach house and that’s where we
went to ring in the new year. New Year’s eve there was an amazing dinner. I
made sure not to over eat or to mix to many things. Before going to bed
(after midnight 1/1/15) I made, what can only be described as a colossal error
in judgement, and had 2 oysters. In hindsight, they likely had been there for a
few hours and I do recall noticing that they were sitting a puddle of water
were the ice had been. But-fuck it, I’m on vacation and had them anyway. So you
can imagine what happened next. At about 2 am my new teeny tiny stomach decided
to take out its anger and frustration out on me. Thus started horrifying
diarrhea and projectile vomiting on and off all night and through-out the next
day. While I felt better that day, I didn’t eat anything and wasn’t feeling all
that great. Which leads us to the following night/morning (1/2/15).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Head injuries and midnight runs to the hospital: Here’s what I
remember; I remember waking up to go to the bathroom (Remember my stomach was
still pissed at me) next thing I remember is my aunt and cousin standing over
me calling my name. I’m pretty sure I got slapped, hard, a few times. I
remember thinking that my nose was bleeding and I said as much when they were
trying to get me up. My aunt took me to bathroom and told me that it was my
head and not my nose. Full disclosure, I freaked out when saw all the blood—but
my stomach was still annoyed and I said so to my aunt/cousin. Someone,
I’m not sure who, escorted me back to the bowl. I was in bad, bad shape kids.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Picture this. Me, a grown woman of 42, sitting on the toilet, dizzy as hell,
bowels ravaging with an audience. An audience? Yes. An audience. 2 Aunts
one of whom was praying out loud. I think the Hail Mary, 1 (hysterical) mother,
1 (panicked) father, 1 Uncle, 2 cousins, 1 housekeeper, 1 cousin-in-law and I
think someone else. My dad picked up a wrapped sanitary napkin and starting
furiously fanning me with it, like a man possessed. When he realized that
wasn’t working—maybe because I was looking at him like he was stupid, he got a
fan. Out came the—get ready for this cause it’s a good one—the smelling salts.
Yes kids. Smelling salts. Smelling salts were followed by a demitasse (cause
we’re fancy) of sugar water.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The mad mob of Haitians, force the sugar water, which was really more a
simple syrup if you ask me, down my throat. I will grudgingly admit that
this helped perk me up some and I’m was feeling a bit more like myself. This is
when I realized that I needed to, you know, take care of business (i.e. wipe my
ass). Here’s the breakdown:</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: I have to wipe. (No one makes a move) So I say it again, louder
and en francis.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: I have wipe myself.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Everyone: OK so go ahead.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: NO. I need some privacy. They reluctantly leave the bathroom, expect for
my aunt.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: Ummm you need to go.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Aunt: Oh.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">She actually didn’t leave, but just barely, turned her back. I had very
little fight in me and figured that was the best I was going to get. I took
care of what I needed to and got up to move towards the sink.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Aunt: What are you doing?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: Washing my hands.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Aunt: Oh (But somehow giving me the impression that she wished that I was
less concerned about washing my hands.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Uncle: (In the background) April’s feeling better. She’s being smart
again.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">While I was battling for some semblance of pride, a decision was made to
take me to the hospital.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: I need to put a bra on.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Everyone: NO you don’t. Let’s go. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">So off I go, tits bouncing and swinging. In the car: My mother, my cousin,
her husband and the dude who works for my family. First stop Urgent care. Fail.
Urgent care closed. Next stop hospital in next town. Cousin-in-law driving like
a lunatic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: You drive to fast and you’re on the wrong side of the road.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">CIL: Sorry. (But not really listening to me at all)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We get to the hospital and usual happens. My mother—teacher by trade, not a
medical professional, pulling a <a href="http://%3Ciframe%20width%3D%22560%22%20height%3D%22315%22%20src%3D%22/www.youtube.com/embed/A1AIroyiLEM%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen%3E%3C/iframe%3E" target="_blank">Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment </a>telling
the nurse that I need an IV.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: I don't need an IV.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Mom: Yes you do.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Me: (Defeated) OK then.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Nurse, maybe just to shut my mom up gives me an IV—which after about 15
mins, even though I hate to admit it, helps me feel better.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Hop, skip jump, got a few stitches, some pain killers, antibiotics and back
home I went. More embarrassed than anything.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NnZYtzTy5uU/VLUtPDlYQvI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/pMEO6ql4kRo/s1600/Cropic%2BShare%2BFile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NnZYtzTy5uU/VLUtPDlYQvI/AAAAAAAAAHQ/pMEO6ql4kRo/s1600/Cropic%2BShare%2BFile.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For the rest of the trip my family have been force feeding me Gatorade (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foie_gras" target="_blank">think those fois gras ducks</a>) and
asking me to eat. In the entire history of my existence no one has begged me to
eat. EVER.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I’ll tell you this, it touched me to see my mother cry when telling the
story. I do, however, feel like every time she tells it, I get closer to being
in a coma. My family loves me and they were concerned. I get it. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">While I am feeling better, I don’t quite feel myself and have an appointment
to see the doctor this week. </span><br />
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<![endif]-->Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-21502263869260407992015-01-09T08:14:00.001-05:002015-01-09T23:17:18.476-05:00Homeward Bound...<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px;">
I thought this was fitting, as I feel that Haiti is my other home. </div>
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<b><i>Homeward bound, I wish I was homeward bound. Home where my thought's escaping, Home where my thought's escaping, home where my music's playing. Home where my love likes waiting silently for me</i></b>. - Homeward Bound; Simon and Garfunkel </div>
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This year I decided to go to Haiti to ring in the new year with my family. My wifi was spotty so I didn’t post as much as I thought I would, though I did do some writing. My friend Jack has told me he thinks my entries are too long so I’ve broken them up. I had a great time and my trip was pretty eventful.</div>
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Traveling with Mother: </div>
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Traveling with my mother is something that I either never want to do again or need to do every time she goes to Haiti—in order to try and keep her in check. She is NOT a good traveler. Generally speaking, I think that my mother has a lot of anxiety. Some of the anxiety trickles into travel. The problem with that is when I travel with her, her anxiety becomes my anxiety. </div>
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Last year my brother traveled with my parents and had a melt down at the airport. They had pushed him to edge. So I knew this might be an issue. However, there are somethings you need to witness for yourself. So now you’re wondering what exactly is it that she does that makes me want to take up hard liquor or maybe even hard drugs? Its actually hard to explain. She seems scattered, unorganized and easily frustrated. She is also, a bad, horrible, not good, terrible packer. Now, full disclosure—I inherited the bad packing gene. I’m an over packer. I’m the what-if-I-get-there-and-find-that-I need-this-beaded-ball-gown packer. Mom seems to over AND under pack at the same time. She also likes to bring food. Now listen. I know what you think you know about Haiti. And while some of that is true, let me tell you that my family is VERY lucky. We live, not only comfortably, but very well indeed. There is NO reason for my mother to bring the bagged brussel sprout salad from Costco. Sure it’s tasty. I like it myself, but we don’t need to bring it with us. We can have, I dunno, maybe a different type salad? Sorry. (#sorrynotsorry) I’m not bringing SALAD to Haiti. Furthermore my father—a man who missed his calling and really should have been a gentleman farmer has a vegetable garden that it epic. He’s got something there that will make a nice salad. I have flat out refused to be the person who brings in a loin of pork or a fillet mignon in my carry on. Why do I mention those particular items? Because, dear friends, more then once, next to the wedge of brie, I’ve had to wrap the meat in my favorite pair of jeans. </div>
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She also is one of those people who needs to get the airport real early. Because she’s anxious about getting there on time, what she may or may not have forgotten and just flying in general, she’s yelling, and rushing me to move faster. I think 2 hours is more then sufficient. I loathe waiting at the gate. But when traveling with with mother, I wait at the gate. </div>
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Stay tuned for more… </div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-63722089046920734762015-01-06T09:26:00.000-05:002015-07-16T20:29:48.236-04:00Musings of 2014...<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); -webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 11px;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I'm on vacation in Haiti and my wifi has been spotty. I've
been writing but haven't gotten the chance to post... <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>“…it’s the eye of the tiger. It’s the thrill of the
fight! Rising up to the challenge of our rival, and the last known survivor
stalks his prey in the night and his watching us with the eye of the
tiger…” </i></b>- Survivor <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Yeah. I know it's pretty bad and a cheesy choice of song.
But It's all I could think of, and you have to admit---it's catchy and it
invokes the image of Rocky doing his thing. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Today is Monday December 29th, and I’m currently mid-flight
on my way to some fun in the sun. 2014 has been a year of change for
me. I’ve known it but every now and again, something will happen and it
hits me really hard. Today it happened on the air plane. I buckled in and
didn’t need a seat belt extender! I remember as if it were yesterday the
first time I had to ask for one. I wanted to die from embarrassment ing and
those change and decided that I would try and piece together my feelings about
my weight loss journey this past year. A few weeks ago, on December 12,
2014, was the one year anniversary of my WLS. Over the past 12 months,
I’ve lost more than 100lbs from the surgery itself and about 130lbs from my
highest weight of 300lbs. I have about 20 more lbs to go. It’s
really unreal to me. Though I haven’t posted, I’ve been thinking about
what I would post and jotting down notes. Below is is a post I wrote
while in class—it was either write what I wanted to or fall asleep. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">One year ago today I took a momentous step. I did
something that I knew (hoped, wished and prayed) that would change my
life. By far it was the best, hardest thing I’ve ever done. Looking
back, I have no regrets. What a difference a year makes. That day I was a tight
size 24, and I weighed 280lbs. Today I’m a size 12, tip the scales at about
170, and am 20lbs away from my goal. I wasn’t sure where I would be a year ago.
When I started this process, I was determined. I really have no words to
describe how sick and tired I was of being THAT heavy. I felt tired, ugly, worn
out and unattractive. As I got closer to surgery I realized that I
was was scared. Not scared to die or anything like that. But
scared that it wouldn’t work. What if my stomach grew back? (I know I
know) What I was one of THOSE cases? You know those people people you see on
“My 600lbs life”? Who have the surgery and don’t loose weight afterwards?
What if I was some kind of freak of nature and was able to eat MORE after
WLS? What if I figured out a way to sabotage myself and just start eating
again? Listen, I know that it all sounds crazy, but those were my fears.
Rational or not. Looking back over the year, I will say that the process
has been all at once, difficult and easy. At times I’ve been shocked at
how easy it was. I often have feelings of guilt. Like I took the
“easy” way out. Other times I’ve wanted to scream with frustration, at
how hard it’s been. There are days that I just want to eat. I want
to eat my sadness, my joy, my anger, my boredom, my pain. In short I want so
badly to eat my feelings. There have been days when I want to eat so bad,
I can feel myself becoming almost irrational. The killer is that most
often I’m NOT eating because I’m hungry, I’m eating for lack of something else
to do. I’m eating because I don’t have anything else. The inability
to eat, has at times, almost driven me mad. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wish I had seen a therapist through-out this
process. My therapist changed careers right before my surgery. I
miss him, and think that it would have done me good to see him. Perhaps
it wouldn’t have made a difference. Sometimes I’ve considered that I
should have tired to find someone else, preferably seeing a therapist who was
equipped to handle someone going through a change such as mine. I haven’t
always known what do with my emotions. <span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Times;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I wish I had exercised more through-out this process. I did
a little and I know it helped, but once a fat lazy bitch always a fat lazy
bitch I had dropped out. I know that I have do something. I just don’t know how
to motivate myself into getting into it int he way that I should. In addition
to helping me loose those last 20 some odd pounds, it will just be good for
me. I feel weak, and I hate that shit. Also, I want reconstructive
surgery on everything, and I know that will help. A casual acquaintance
has turned into a body builder—she was never fat, but now her body is SICK. I
go on her Instagram account and just look at her. She looks unreal. I
don’t want that type of body, but she looks so strong. One of my closest
friends—really the sister in my heart—is a triathlete. Another one with a
sick body. She loves it. She says it clears her head and she feels
great. Let me be straight with you guys. The idea of running 26 miles,
biking 112 miles and swimming 2.4 miles, doesn’t excite me. It makes want
to take a damn nap. My other friend took a tragic time in her life and
decided to focus her energy on running. She ran her first NYC Marathon
this year. She is someone, as far as I know, who always had a beautiful
body. However she wanted to prove something to herself. She was
able to prove to herself that she was able to do something amazing. These women
leave me awestruck. To say I wish I was like them is an tragic
understatement. Where is the “fire in MY belly? I’m in awe of these
women. How I wish that the desire was just there. It’s not. I
don't know how to create the want. I swear that in 2015 I will discover
that want.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-74103715169402678102014-08-27T20:35:00.000-04:002014-08-27T20:35:55.318-04:00Days of Our Lives- 259 days post surgery <style><!--
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<i>“Sometimes I get to feelin' I was back in the old days
- long ago. When we were kids, when we were young. Things seemed so perfect -
you know? The days were endless, we were crazy - we were young. The sun was
always shinin' - we just lived for fun. Sometimes it seems like lately - I just
don't know. The rest of my life's been - just a show. Those were the days of
our lives. The bad things in life were so few. Those days are all gone now but
one thing is true -When I look and I find I still love you.” – Days of Our
lives, Mercury </i></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">This week I have been in a
very Freddie Mercury, worship-y sort of place. I love Queen. I couldn’t think
of a Queen song that worked for this post, so I just picked a song I liked.
Mercury’s last video was for this song, shortly before his death in 1991. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: #222222;">If you are someone who has
been overweight, or if we are to be truthful, morbidly obese, as I was (People
who know me, especially YOU---Ou mem mem—fix your face. The fact of the
matter is that I WAS morbidly obese—now I’m just obese.) you dream about losing
THE WEIGHT. You will be Beyoncé! All of a sudden you will be golden
brown, with a blond weave and an innate ability to twerk. (Real sexy twerking,
not sad, Miley twerking.) The sexy beast that lives inside of you will be
unleashed on the world. You. Will. Be. A. Force.
To. Be. Reckoned. With. Oh, how your life will be
different. EVERYTHING will turn around for you. You will have the
magical life of the thin and desirable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Make no mistake, thin people are desirable and they live a magical life.
Once you’re thin, people will want to be around you. You will be taken
seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That success that has
been eluding you will, all of a sudden, be there. Looking for love?
Success? Happiness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just get thin
and all your dreams will come true, because now you will be worthy of it. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222;">Soooo I’m guessing, that none of
those things will happen. I sort of hope they will, but the closer I get to
goal (I’ve 43lbs to go—maybe more. I’ll check out how I feel when I weigh
150lbs) the less likely it seems that is what is going to happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I sit down with myself and think
things through in a less hysterical way, I think that things will change
because I will hold myself in higher regard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hopefully, the more weight I loose, the more confident I
feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>God willing, the weight
loss, coupled with the confidence, will eliminate the negative thoughts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The negative thoughts that tell me that
that nothing will change, and no one is noticing that my body is changing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know why it doesn’t matter that
people are telling me how great I look etc. The voice in my head is louder.
That voice wants me continue to think that my life is mediocre, because at my
core, I am mediocre. That voice, loves for me to think that it doesn’t matter
how much weight I loose. That voice wants me to think, that thin or obese, I don’t
deserve any of the joys that other people deserve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my heart of hearts, I know that the voice of doom is
wrong. My value is not directly related to the number on the scale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My value comes from within. I KNOW
this. I’m working really hard on BELIEVING it. </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-61313641742560620052014-08-21T15:43:00.001-04:002014-08-21T21:11:13.805-04:00My change has done me good-252 days post surgery<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Ten years living in a paper
bag. Feedback baby, he's a flipped out cat. He's a platinum canary, drinkin'
falstaff beer. Mercedes rule, and a rented lear. Bottom feeder insincere. Prophet
lo-fi pioneer. Sell the house and go to school. Get a young girlfriend, daddy's
jewel. A change would do you good. A change would do you good.</span></i></b> –
Sheryl Crow “A Change”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">This might be the longest I have gone without writing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Few things have been going on, most of them
good. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mostly, I think that I have just
not felt like writing much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, let
me just say that I am happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having WLS is
the best, BEST thing I have EVER done for myself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything thing feels fresh and new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have graduated from shopping exclusively at
the plus sized store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still figuring
out what size I am but as of today it feels like either a 14W (plus size) or a
regular 16.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been able to get
clothes from Old Navy (not plus), The Gap and the Loft. Quick funny story--
> A few weeks ago I was someplace with my friend when she looked at me and
said:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">N: What
are you doing? </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A:
What do you mean, what I am doing? Nothing. Why? </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">N:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why are you holding your side like that?</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A:
I’m not… (Only to realize that I was)</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">N:
Are you holding up your panties? </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A:
No! (Yeah)</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">N:
OMG. You ARE holding up your panties! What size are you wearing? </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A: (Shrugs)
26/28?</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">N:
(look of complete and total disgust) You’re an idiot. Go get some drawers!</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I went out that day and picked up some new panties, size
14/16. I finally stopped wearing my 26/28 underwear and tossed them in the
trash. I have to admit that it was kind of hard. I’m not sure why. But it was.
The fear is, I suppose, that I will need them again someday. Getting rid of all
my clothes was hard, but not nearly as much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saved an outfit just so I can see where I
was. Maybe I'll take one of those pictures, with myself in one side of my
pants.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I got a pair of <a href="https://www.victoriassecret.com/">Victoria's Secret</a> panties. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never had a pair before. They were nothing
special---just a pair of the free cotton ones (the send those free coupons from
time to time) But this was the first time I could get them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got them in an XL and am wearing them
today!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know this seems like a weird thing
to be excited about, but I was. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SO
excited and oddly proud. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yours truly got
panties from a regular store! Oh the JOY! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">For a while I was scared that even though the scale was
moving, that people weren’t noticing. Hell, I have had a hard time noticing it
when I see myself. Not so much anymore though, I finally see it. I will catch a
glimpse of myself and be taken aback. Wow! Who is that? I was, am, torn between
wanting people to notice and wanting to be left alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, a colleague of mine sent me an email
the other day: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">“You
look gorgeous! I hardly recognized you this morning. I didn't get a
chance to tell you in person and didn't want the day to end before I told you
that you're an inspiration!</span>”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">This woman and I are not friends, in fact when I first came
to work for this department I was her assistant. Soon after, I realized she was
a nut job and pleaded to be allowed to work for someone else. She doesn’t know
that I had surgery, and I feel a little bit like a fraud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, because of all the “inspiration” talk.
But it’s nice to hear. My UPS guy did a double take at me the other day. I
waved at him like I always do and he stopped the truck and said: </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">UPSGuy: OMG I didn’t recognize you! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A: (For some reason I got weird about it) Oh yeah I got a
haircut.</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">UPSGuy: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He gave me
this look) Yeah but that’s not what I mean. You look great, good job!</span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">Most of the people who love me have been great about my
weight loss. I think for some, they aren’t sure how to deal with this new, changing
me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is ok considering that I’m not
always sure how <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I </i></b>should deal with this new, changing me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter what situation I was in, I was
usually the fat person in the room. My friends, family and colleagues knew how
to deal with me. They knew what category I belonged in and treated me
accordingly. Yes---those of you reading this, you did. My weight affected
(affects) the way people thought of me and treated me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="background: white; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">My best friend and boyfriend (yeah guy I broke
up with in January is back—we’ll discuss at some point), seem to be having the most
trouble. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My BFF, let’s call her Nicole,
is overweight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She and I were about the
same size. Truth be told, I was bigger than she was. She won’t say it, but I
feel like my weight loss bothers her. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
in that same way that someone else’s weight loss would bother me. I can’t
pretend that it doesn’t bother me, but I also TOTALLY get it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being fat BLOWS. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anthony, my BF, is having trouble with the way
my naked body looks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I told him
about the WLS I told him it would happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There would be sagging and drooping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He said didn’t care that he was here for me no matter what. A few months
ago I tried to talk to him about it again, and he sort of brushed it aside and
said so eloquently “I will always want to fuck you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sweet right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We got into a big argument the other day about something else, and he decided
that would be the ideal moment where he would confess that my body was
bothering him, only he said it like douche. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was mean and hurtful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He has since apologized and I believe him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is really bad at expressing emotion. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, that was hard, bitter, nasty pill to
swallow. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact is that I have more
weight to loose. There will be more sagging, more drooping before I hit goal. (Shrugs)
I showed him the door and he refused to take it. I don’t want to be without
him, but I am not apologizing to anyone for what my body looks like. You can go
fuck yourself. That goes for anyone. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will have plastic surgery, but not because I want anyone else to be happy, but because
I want to dress like a dirty skank.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>;-) I
have lots to say about plastic surgery. More on that another time. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">At times I am frustrated with the process. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It feels SO slow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As of last Saturday I am down 99lbs and I
have reached the elusive “onderland”*, to be honest, it feels a little anticlimactic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know where I thought I would be, but
I can’t help but wish SO BADLY, that I was down more than I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I struggle with knowing the difference of
head hunger and actual hunger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss
the freedom of being able to eat what I want, when I want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not that I should have been eating the way
that I was, but I am longing for the choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I miss the ability to choose. I am in a place where I can’t eat an
entire slice of pizza.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I used to eat 2,
sometimes 3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t eat a whole bagel,
in fact, I can barely eat ¼. I can’t eat more than 2 dumplings in a sitting. I used
to eat at least 6. I can go on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Certain situations make me anxious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Social and familial situations particularly. </span>I’m anxious about seeing my grandmother. This
woman’s reason for living is to feed her family. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She counts the amount of meatballs you eat. I
am serious. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandmother lives in
Haiti and I don’t see her that often.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last
time I saw her, 2 years ago, she called me on it. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">GM:
You only ate 3 meatballs?! </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Arial;">A: Ok,
yes but you had all this other stuff that I ALSO ate. </span></i></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">In the end, she told my mother on me. I was 40. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So far, my change
has done me good. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">*Onederland is that magical place that many people talk
about when losing weight. A little place called “Under 200 pounds”.</span></b></i></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-46352377865289363442014-02-15T09:47:00.002-05:002014-02-19T12:33:44.423-05:00Winning: Non Scale Victory---65 Days Post Surgery <style><!--
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<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">“I’m winning. I’m
winning. I’m winning. And I don't intend on losing again. Too bad it belonged
to me. It was the wrong time. And I meant to be. It took a long time. And I
knew for now. I can see the day that I breathe for. Friends agree there's a
need. To play the game. And to win again” – Winning, Santana</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">When I get on the scale
and I see a loss, I consider that a victory. While I always want a victorious
weight loss, I’m also aware there are some victories that have nothing to do
with the number on the scale. The Non-Scale Victory (NSV).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">I’ve had a few NSV’s this
week. My boss has a guest chair in his office that I have always hated. I hated
it because I didn't fit in it. I could never sit back all the way. I kinda had
to perch on the edge, which sucked. It’s embarrassing even if no one
noticed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And frankly, I can’t
imagine that no one noticed. The knowledge that I was so fat that was unable to
fit on a piece of office furniture was sad to me. I've had a lot of that in my
life. Wedging my self into seats. Spilling over into the next person’s space.
While it sucked, I lived with it. Before I sit someplace I eye the seat and
make a judgment call. To sit or not to sit? Perhaps to sit delicately. Since I
have to meet with my boss, I had no choice but to sit delicately. Honestly, I
got used to perching every time I met with the man. The other day he was on
phone but didn’t want me to leave, so I just sat perched, as usual. I'm not
sure why it occurred to me to sit back in the chair, but I did. And slid I did
all the way back. I'm telling you I was giddy. Still am. The weigh is coming
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Steadily. A part of me wishes
it were coming off faster. Obviously, I want the weight off yesterday. However,
I suppose that slow and steady is better.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">I went to a meeting the
other day and they had cupcakes from the GOOD bakery. While I had the requisite
WFPD (What Fat People Do) moment of undressing the cupcake with my eyes--- I
was ok without it. (Note--- You have noticed fat people who stare at food
right? This happens when they are trying to NOT eat something. They stare at it
with longing, while willing themselves not to cave and eat whatever it is. ) I
don’t think that that I would have been able to pass it up before surgery. It
would have been a free cupcake from the good bakery. I would have eaten it and
likely glommed another. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">I'm developing a pile of
give away clothes. I set aside a large shopping bag and now that bag now
runneth over. My over the calf boots are roomy! They used cut off my
circulation. Not anymore.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">Jeans that I could not
get into now glide up with ease. For some reason I had jeans in several
sizes. Some of them have been relegated to the bag. A few are en route to the
bag. The other day I put on a pair of jeans, while I knew they were baggy I thought
I could get away with it. By the end of the day I was pulling up my pants. Later
that day when I was taking them off, I was able to slide them off without
unzipping them! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">People are starting to
notice. Or at least they are saying that they can tell. My aunt asked me to
send her a selfie. If you knew my aunt, you'd find the fact that she even knows
what a selfie is as hysterical as I do. Anyway I did, and she freaked
out. "You have a neck!" “Look at your face! I can see the lines.”
Today my coworker said I was "werqing" my jeans.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">Hee Hee! Nice. Non Scale
Victories kids. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="font-family: ArialMT;">Let me just say that I
know that I am the beginning of this process. I have a long way to go till I
get to my goal. However I am excited about the progress I’ve made so far. While
I haven’t won, I’m on the path to winning.</span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-67396894730510905402014-01-25T15:48:00.000-05:002014-01-25T15:48:47.419-05:00The Breakup Artist...<br /><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">I broke with my boyfriend the other night. Yep. I’ve had a
boyfriend. For the past 10 months I’ve been dating someone. On paper, and
in theory, he was it. I wanted smart. He is smart. I wanted someone
who was successful. He is successful. I wanted someone handsome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s handsome. I wanted someone who was
nice/kind. He’s nice/kind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also
wanted someone who was funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well…fail
on that. He’s NOT funny. (Red Flag) But I figured that because I’m funny, we’d
laugh at the shit I said. And we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Trust me when I tell you that I have the enviable ability to be funny
for several people at once. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 13.0pt; mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Anthony--- not his real name but we have to call him something--
and I met online. He was a welcomed change to the derelicts that had
approached me. His note to me was clever and smart and articulate. While he
lived in the ‘burbs, he worked not too far from where I worked.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: ArialMT; font-size: 13.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">From the moment we met I just felt as though it was wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First of all, we didn’t have THAT much
to say to each other. The conversation was a struggle. (Red Flag) Second of
all, I had never, in my years of dating met a man who wanted in my pants so
fast. I mean I get it--- guys like to get laid. But he was down right annoying
about it. (Red Flag) Listen--- I am very sexual woman and I appreciate
sex as much as the next person. However, my feeling is that I’ve known you for
5 minutes---what is it exactly that you think you’ve done to earn an all access
pass to my vagina.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Answer---Nothing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But in
due time we had the sex and it was…fine. (Red Flag) Not mind blowing, but how
often do you come across sex that is mind blowing?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found his general personal hygiene lacking. (Red Flag) I
am a shower twice a day person. He’s a shower every other day person. I find
that disgusting. Sorry. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Another thing about him was his kid. He was slightly obsessed
with her. A first I thought it was sweet. I know too many men who don’t spend
enough time with their kids. He saw his every weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is something that I respected.
During the 10 months we dated he would often say to me, “if you want to do
something on the weekend, just tell me and I’ll get that weekend off”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah right. A friend of mine was
getting married and I asked if would go with me. He right away agreed. As we
got closer to the wedding he started asking me if the kid could come. (Red
Flag) Ummm what? No she can’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This went on for weeks. Day of wedding he shows up and here’s how it
went down: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Anthony: I won’t lie to you; I almost brought her with me
anyway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Me: What? Where would she have sat? We’re going to wedding that
we had to RSVP to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: right 6.5in;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">A: I dunno, my lap?<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Me: You’re out of your mind. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">On the way to the wedding he lamented to me how much he missed
his “little girl” and that we would have to include her in all future
outings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next morning this man
jumped up out of my bed at 7:03 am and ran out of my place in order to link up
with his “little girl”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Red Flag)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">The first time I spent the day with them I observed behavior
that was just down right weird to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nothing huge--- just little things that I found strange for 13-year-old
girl to still be tolerating. I know I’m not a parent, but A. I have spent my
life around kids and know kids really well. B. I have friends who have kids and
I have seen them in action (and I would ask them questions) and finally C. I’m
pretty intuitive and have the ability to peep out weird shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The big thing that I found bizarre was
at dinner he took a napkin and methodically tucked it in her shirt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I swear I thought it was a joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every single time we went out, he did
it. And she let him! I asked him about it and his response to me was “It’s our
thing and she lets me do it. So what?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s weird you idiot, that’s what.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Why did I bother with this guy? In spite of everything that I’ve
shared (and there is plenty more that I haven’t) I DID like him. He was a
calming presence on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
introduced this man to my friends and family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The feedback was pretty much what I expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Seems nice” “Kinda corny---but nice”
“He really seems to like you” “He’s really smart” Etc etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the exception of one person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">My cousin and I are really close. I love her tremendously and I
know she feels the same way about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Things happen in our family and we are often the two who exchange the
WTF look.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are cousins by blood but
friends by choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At our
grandfathers funeral they wouldn’t let us sit together because they know we are
foolish together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She met Anthony
and told me exactly what she thought. “Pompous” “Boring” “Arrogant” During
dinner she texted me #teamotherguy (name of my ex—That Guy) Honestly I was
pissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She met him for one
evening didn’t really talk to him all that much, but came up with a definitive
conclusion about him that I felt was unfair and frankly a little mean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve discussed it since, and she has
explained that she just felt he was wrong for me. Which, actually, it turns out
that he is. Just not for the reasons that she felt. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16.0pt;">Breaking up with someone is hard. Especially if they feel blind
sided, which he apparently does. He also thinks that I broke up with him because (due to the WLS) that my life is going to change and I'm going to want someone "better". This is not the case. I feel badly, not because I think I made a
mistake, but because I hurt someone who cares about me. But this is my life and
I owe it to myself to seek out happiness and not settle for anything less. </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-23545588064741819082014-01-08T21:05:00.003-05:002014-01-09T08:04:13.307-05:0027 days out... <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">This is ten percent luck,
twenty percent skill<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">Fifteen percent concentrated
power of will<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">Five percent pleasure, fifty
percent pain<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Verdana;">And a
hundred percent reason to remember the name! – Fort Minor “Remember the Name”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
27 days out… </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The weeks since my surgery seemed to have flown by. I am in
the pureed stage and am approaching the solid food stage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To be honest, the pureed stage has been
disgusting. Like my friend said to me today, mush is mush. Boy is it ever! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I won’t lie kids; this past week has been rough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got my period January 2<sup>nd</sup> and
have only lost 2lbs since then. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please do not get me started on the fact that I got my period
a week early and it’s been dragging on for 7 days, with no end in sight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Being </span>41 currently sucks ass and can move on to sucking all the dicks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m beyond frustrated by this. I was
loosing weight really quickly and it was exciting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> However, I am happy to share that a</span>s I type this I’m wearing a pair of pajama bottoms that
haven’t fit in years. That makes me happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But WTF is up with the stall? I called my doctor’s office
and the nurse said that sometimes this happens but I have not reached the slow
down stage yet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me tell you right
now, I am not interested in any stall or any delays. I want to reach my WLG
(weight loss goal) YESTERDAY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m having a hard time with food too. I’m still watching
<a href="http://www.foodnetwork.com/" target="_blank">the Food Network</a> like its porn and I spend a lot of time thinking about food.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things that are juicy. Things that are
savory. Things are tasty and crispy and full of buttery goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I know that the </span>hunger is in my brain. Over the
past few weeks, I’ve had lots of company.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know I probably should not have been cooking and baking for other
people, but I have been.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I
know, bad idea.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being in the
kitchen so much has made me keenly aware of how often I start to eat or lick
this and that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kudos to me,
because for the most part, I haven’t been. (Keeping a sugar free sucking candy
in my mouth helped that, quite a bit) I will tell you something. I have found
it interesting/appalling/eye-opening to me that my natural way of being is to
sort of eat mindlessly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here is
the thing and this is the thing I know for sure. This is it. My last shot at
looking, feeling and being normal. Oh I’m sure that the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_acceptance_movement" target="_blank">Fat Acceptance Movement (FAM)</a> would have a field day with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If anyone from FAM is reading, calm
down a second and hear me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am supportive (no, really I am) of everyone’s right to accept themselves the
way that they are, so long as they feel that they are the best "them" they can
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I terrible truth is that I
just don’t feel that I am at my best right now. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that the best of me is yet to come… in every way. Not
just my size. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have said this before and it stands true. I will not be happy
until certain things happen for me. In order for me to be happy I have to
finish college, become a better writer, find my purpose in life, become a wife
(a mother?), own a home and be at a desired weight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are more. But those are, in no particular order, the
top 6 life goals of yours truly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happiness
will not begin and end with the size of my waist or the number on scale. I know
that. I could be a size 6 (which I don’t want to be) and be miserable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I know that I will feel better when
I can walk up the subway steps without the wheeze. I will feel happiness when I
can tell someone, honestly, that I went to such and such College and graduated
with a degree in whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There
will be a certain pride when I purchase my own home where I can paint the walls
whatever color I want or better yet, knock down a wall just cause I want to. I
will find satisfaction when I have a piece that I have written and can share
with people. Not like a secret blog where I mostly bitch about the bullshit
that happens to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will be
joy in my heart when I introduce a friend to my new husband. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will be no greater jubilation then
when I finally figure out what my purpose in life is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like it or not those are, just a few, of the things that will
make me happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t hate
myself. I just know that I can be better all around. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would like to see myself
do it. </div>
<!--EndFragment-->Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-75161378123739366012013-12-31T22:25:00.000-05:002013-12-31T22:25:45.048-05:0019 Days... and Counting<span class="Apple-style-span" style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; color: #222222; font-family: arial;">I am 19 days post surgery and things are going well. As of today I am down 28lbs. Everyday it gets a little easier. I think I underestimated how I would be feeling about food. I just seem to want it so badly. The most random things too. It is as though there is a conveyor belt in my brain and all the foods of my childhood as well as some favorites and NOT so favorites are passing through. I can't explain it. The social situations are, by far, the worst. I skipped Christmas Eve and Day. I'm skipping NYE. I went to a baby shower this weekend and it was rough going. I know that I was doing that food eyeball thing that fat people do when they are trying NOT to eat. (Fat person food eyeball is when an FP stares at food they are not eating with a longing that boarders on sexual) I will say that normally, I would just eat without thinking. I am finding that there is something to be said about NOT eating mindlessly. It's still hard.</span><br />
<div style="-webkit-border-horizontal-spacing: 2px; -webkit-border-vertical-spacing: 2px; color: #222222;">
<br /><div style="font-family: arial;">
Day 4 was not good. Here's what I jotted down.</div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>4 days post surgery and I feel like I'm fucking tweaking. I'm thinking of the most random foods. It's like I'm going crazy. I'm not hungry, but I want to shovel food into my mother fucking mouth as fast as I can. What is wrong with me? I want to die right now.</b></span></i></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
Day 10 wasn't a great day either: </div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<b><i>I can't tell if its my head or what. I'm hungry. Maybe I haven't been drinking enough. I don't know. I'm so scared that the procedure didn't work. I had a dream last night that not only was I not loosing, but I was gaining weight.</i></b></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
Those were the worst days. I felt sick and I was mentally hungry. I am probably not helping the situation by watching The Food Network and The Cooking Channel as if it was porn. I can't seem to help it. </div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
Thankfully, I found Bariatric Pal, which is a WLS support forum. That has been pretty helpful so far. Lots of people who are experiencing similar feelings. </div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
19 days in, and no real regrets. </div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: arial; font-size: small;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-25055407678354017352013-12-19T06:03:00.003-05:002013-12-19T12:26:24.457-05:00Unwritten<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<i><span style="color: #222222;">"I am unwritten, can't read my
mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned.
Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window</span></i><span style="color: #222222;"><i>. Let the sun illuminate the
words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close
you can almost taste it! Release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin! No
one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else, no one else,
can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your
life with arms wide open! Today is where your book begins…the rest is still
unwritten."</i> –Unwritten, Natasha Beniningfield</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">The moment that I saw the guy
in the lobby, I knew we were going to the same place. He knew it too. I could
tell by the way he looked at me, the way he did the half smile and then looked
away. He was an ok looking sort of guy, definitely handsome, in the same way that I
"have such a pretty face". Sure enough, we both reached for the
same floor number. 10. When the elevator doors opened, he let me out first. But
because I was so sure we were going to the same place, I got out and just let
him walk ahead of me. As I predicted, he got to Suite 10S and opened the door. That
was on August 3, 2013, the first visit I made to the Bariatic surgeon. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">That was my first step. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">I did it. I caved, won, took a
stand, failed, took the easy way out, the hard road in, however you want to
describe it, but I had Gastric Sleeve bypass on Thursday December 12, 2013 at
NYU Langone Medical Center. Those of you who visit my sad little blog, know
that I have been toying with this idea on and off for years. I did not make
this decision lightly. This was a move that was years in the making. I
attended 3 different information sessions. I did research. Read blogs. Talked
to my shrink, my friends and random people that I know who also had WLS (weight loss surgery).</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-layout-grid-align: none; mso-pagination: none; text-autospace: none;">
<span style="color: #222222;">It wasn't easy, but it just
seemed like the logical choice to me. I know that is it not "the
cure". I know that I have many difficulties and hard times ahead of me. I feel as if I
already know what people mean, when they say that this surgery is just a tool. However, this was what was right for me at this particular point in my life. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222;">I'm
ready to see where this step takes me. </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-11896124713918079002013-09-08T11:10:00.000-04:002013-09-11T10:34:25.543-04:00The Moment...<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
The Moment </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
We were in my kitchen. Kissing.
Loving. Touching…everywhere. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
My back against the wall. You pressed
against me. I was feeling…</div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
Consumed. High. Overwhelmed. Wanton.
Humiliated. Overcome. Engulfed. Hazy. Confused. Elated. Conflicted. Sentenced.
Energized. Hot. Enraged. Angry. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
Happy. Cold. Sad. Defeated. Loved.
Wet. Discarded. Wanted. Replaceable. Crazy.</div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
I wanted you. I loved you. I hated
you. What did you do to me? How did this happen?</div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
What did I do to myself? Can I
get rid of you like that old coat? But it still fits. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
Never mind about the tear in the
sleeve. Don’t look at the missing buttons. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
How can I look you and tell you to
leave? Would it help if I hit you? Maybe. So I do. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
HARD. With feeling. With all the
energy that comes from 12 years of frustration. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
You liked it for a second. Thought it
was one our games. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
The look on your face when you
realized I MEANT it. I WANTED to hurt you. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
Maybe make you feel how I have felt.
I wanted to kill you. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
I wanted you to go back in time and
fix it. Make it right. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
Make me the ONE. Not the distant
second. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
In the end, that's what it was all
about. I was never first. </div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
That was the moment that I knew.</div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Sometimes I can’t think of sentence or phrase that can sum up my
feelings. It's usually a jumble of words that pop into my head. I
have found that it is better to let them happen, give in to my stream of
consciousness. <br />
<br />
Have you ever seen a building dismantled, rather than simply torn down? I’m
not sure why exactly they do it that way. Sometimes, they want to preserve the
bricks, other times they must need to be careful about the adjacent buildings.
Over the past several months, I have been dismantling my relationship with TG,
brick by brick. Too afraid to just tear us down. Too afraid to let him go. I
was petrified that I would unravel at the seams. How do I explain to people how
consumed I have been by this man? I don’t know why I choose this time to do it.
Why not last year, why not next year why now? What was so different? I was
ready I guess. Now, I know that I have said this so many times before, and I’ve
said THIS IS IT! He and I? Me and him? We are through. Oh no, this time it
feels different. Only to have it not be that different after all. <br />
<br />
Well… this time it IS different. I have asked gently, firmly that TG remove
himself from my life. I have told him the truth, which is that I can no longer
live this way. The steady stream that you had to read through was an account of
the day that I just realized that we were dead. Not just over, but dead.
It happened exactly that way. We were fooling around in the kitchen and I was
taken over by every possible feeling that you could imagine. I had the feeling
that my core, my heart, my soul was being ripped apart. Melodramatic? Maybe.
But that was the feeling. I wish I had other words. I don’t though. I can’t
tell you what came over me and I just slapped the shit out of him. It came out
of nowhere. Before I could even stop myself---I had done it. <br />
<br />
Throughout the course of our relationship I have often felt that I want to
slit his throat then make him soup to make it better. Two Taurus people in a
relationship. Too much passion. Too much everything. That’s made it amazing and
tragic all at the same time. My therapist has said to me that sex is the
“glue” that has kept us together for so long. It smarts when he says that
to me. I’d like to believe that I am a deeper person than that. I won’t
try and pretend that our physical connection---which is epic, make no mistake
about it-- is not a part of the lure that keeps me going back to this man; I
just think it’s more than just that. Without a shadow of doubt, this man
is the love of my life. I can’t explain it, I don’t understand it, but he is.
Sadly, it doesn’t matter. Like I told him, there has just been too much
disappointment, too much sadness and too much deception to keep us going. He
loves me. I know he does. It just isn’t enough. Not any longer. <br />
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<![endif]--> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-80927471252516625442013-07-11T15:35:00.000-04:002013-07-14T00:22:31.421-04:00Interesting... Very very interesting.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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" <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">If you can't hear what I'm trying to
say If you can't read from the same page Maybe I'm going deaf, maybe I'm going
blind Maybe I'm out of my mind. OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you But
you're an animal, baby it's in your nature Just let me liberate you<br />
Hey, hey, hey You don't need no papers Hey, hey, hey That man is not your maker."-
Blurred Lines Robin Thicke</span></i></div>
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The song has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. It's just what I was listening to while writing this. Robin Thicke could totally get it, in case you were wondering. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Most of my male friends are gay. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>GAAAYYY, honey. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Which while I have been, happily, letting my hag flag
fly for at least 2 decades now, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sometimes
it is nice to get the perspective of a straight, rather than a gay, male. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has not always been the case. I used to
have more straight male friends, not many, but a few. I have lost all of my
straight pals to marriage and babies and other life changes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span> </div>
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<br /></div>
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Having said that, I have a friend, a friend
who is male and straight and attractive. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are going to call him Jack. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I adore this man. He’s like the male me. Jack and I met in group therapy and in recent months, have become friendly. I remember so many times in group he would say the exact
same thing I was thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We're just oddly similar. Little things really. We have similar
tattoos in the same place. We both hate mayonnaise. (Side note---Mayonnaise is the foul nectar of the devil)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We feel the same way about many things. </span>No, we have not had sex. Never even came close. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nor will we ever, I think it is far too late
for all that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides, why mess up a
good thing? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good friends are hard to
come by and you can have sex with anyone. Yeah, you can. Trust me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although, I remember telling him that TG had
once told me that even if I think I’m friends with a guy, he still wants to have
sex with me. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He agreed wholeheartedly, which leaves
me wondering slightly what that means. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But,
we’re friends” I said, he just made a face and muttered some guy thing and kept
it moving. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we are both single and looking, we discuss relationships. What we
want, what we are willing to settle for and what we just can't live with (or without).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Often, relationship talk will lead to conversations about sex. We talk about sex quite a bit. It just sort of happens. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He doesn’t like it when I talk about dicks,
but seems to think it is ok to talk to me about tits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I find men perplexing.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have discussed at length my deep, deep disdain
for chubby chasers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried
repeatedly to explain to this man why I think it’s gross and why I think he’s
stupid for not getting it. He, in turn, has repeatedly tried to explain to me
why it’s NOT gross and why I’m out of my mind for not getting it. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He told me recently, that when he has had sex
with a bigger woman he loves to grab on to the flesh. I think he said “I love
to grab on to the stomach.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kids.
Friends. Readers. This made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I’m not
kidding. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was disgusted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have physically and violently pushed men off
of me for doing that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TG who is bigger
and stronger than I am has ended up on the other side of the bed for such
atrocities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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My battle with weight loss is epic. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is life-long. It is exhausting. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it’s not over. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know that it ever will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at myself and think of how pretty, how
sexy, how out fucking standing, I could be if I lost weight. Like, the potential for being a firecracker is
right there. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t wish I was taller,
or shorter. I think my hair is awesome, big and curly. My skin color? Fine—I have
no desire to be darker or lighter. My lips? Full and juicy thank you very much.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t wish my eyes were closer together
or further apart. My ears are fine. My nose is what it is. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Actually, I sort of wish that I had smaller feet. Being
a size 9 just sounds so much better than 10. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know, meh, it is fine. Ain’t no
big.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Weight loss is my demon. I think
about it and I try all the time to eat less, move more. Eat to live, not live
to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blah Blah. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I met someone recently and we have started dating. (More on
him another time) New Guy (NG) thinks I am “foxy”. That’s what he says. “You
are a fucking fox”. "You are a luscious fox" He says that sort of thing all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He’s about a decade older than I am, so I first chalked it up to a
generational thing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then I thought,
I don’t say “<a href="http://onlineslangdictionary.com/meaning-definition-of/fresh" target="_blank">fresh</a>” when I think something is good, so he must think he means
it. He really wants to have sex with me and he thinks by giving me these compliments, I'm going to just hop into the sack-a-roney with him. God. How fucking predictable. How fucking boring.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Jack and my shrink about it, and told
them I thought it was too much. He lays it on a little thick, I said.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something is wrong with him. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I hate him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Sexy fox” indeed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’s just trying to get into my pants. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pfft… He’s heard the stories about fat girls;
you know how fat girls are easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
proceeded with seeing this man all the while looking at him with suspicion, and
frankly, hating him for being attracted to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What is his story?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does he
want?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hop, skip, jump we have sex… and he’s
still “sexy fox”-ing me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interesting. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Few days ago I came across this blog <a href="http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/03/things-no-one-will-tell-fat-girls-so-i.html" target="_blank">The Militant Baker</a><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and I don’t even know what to say. There is a
part of me that has chosen to not look at the pro-fat movement. I have been quietly
judging these women. I've looked at pictures of brave (overweight/fat however you wish to define it) women in bikinis, all the while, thinking
that I would never for a million dollars (and I am broke as shit), pose in
a bikini. I have pride after all. Disgusting, I said to myself. I have thought to myself that they have
just given up, so they are going to opt and be happy with what they have. They
aren’t going to strive to be better. Not me! Not I! I am going to fight this fight
as long as I live. I refuse to be fat forever. I will be pretty! I will be
sexy! I will be desirable! Men will notice me! Men will find me attractive!<br />
<br />
So
here is the scary thing. What if I already am? What if they already do? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read <a href="http://www.themilitantbaker.com/p/about.html" target="_blank">Jes’s</a> post. I read the comments. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cried. I cried for all the time I wasted,
being angry and lonely and keeping myself in the dark. I cried for all the
times I wouldn’t be as free, as I could have been, sexually because I was self-conscious and embarrassed about my body. I could cry now just thinking about it. It boggles my mind that this random blog that one of my
facebook friends was going on and on about could make me see things differently
in a matter of moments. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Listen, I don’t want to be fat. I really don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I think that maybe I can figure out a way
to accept myself for the way that I am, while trying to change. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are things that I do that are just not
healthy. What makes me run towards food when I am angry or sad or upset? That’s
not good for anyone. I want to stop doing that. What makes me right away choose
the less healthy option on the menu? That’s not good for anyone. What makes me
rather sit on my ass than go for a walk? Again, fat or not, that’s not good for
anyone. Eating right and exercise is good for you. It can’t hurt you. Figuring
out a way to look at your feelings and deal with them is better than stuffing
your face, doing drugs, drinking to excess or shopping till you’re homeless. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am, decidedly, not ready to just join with overweight
women in “sisterhood”. I am not ready to just decide to accept my fat and live with
it. I want to lose weight. I do. I want to be healthier, I do. I just think
that I should perhaps be the best me for right now, as I try and become a
better me for later. </div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2225281197358358401.post-48002846844858448672013-06-12T10:23:00.001-04:002013-06-12T10:23:36.498-04:00Guess who's back, back again? April's back, tell a friend. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Guess who's back, back again. Shady's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, Guess who's back. Guess who's back? -Emenim</span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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I know. MIA for 5 months. Where have I been? I’ve been here
and there. Lurking. Watching. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a
whole lot to say. When you don’t have anything worth listening to, in my
opinion, you should say nothing. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Clearly
not everyone feels that way, based on what I’ve been reading. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Weight Loss:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Laughable really. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A part of the
reason why I have opted to say nothing is because I’ve been reading other
blogs. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have felt…<i><b>dumbfounded</b></i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that people who have been struggling with
weight loss for years and are disappointed in themselves, don’t <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>seem to want to <i><b>DO</b></i> anything about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is worse, I think, are the followers who
are co-signing this behavior. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While I am
all for forgiving ones self, there is way too much talk of “forgiveness”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Listen, I know all about failed weight loss attempts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have tried and FAILED epically at weight
loss for years. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get it. This is our
thing, our cross to bear, if you will. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
get why this annoys <a href="http://almostgastricbypass2.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Allan</a> so much. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Really, I do.
I don’t agree with his approach, but I get why this pisses him off. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While, I have no desire to call people out by
name how you deal with your weight loss or lack therein, is up to you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, the idea that I keep failing at
something? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Repeatedly? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Makes me sick. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sick enough that I don’t want to share my
failures with the world. I don’t get it. Why would you talk about something you
suck at over and over? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get your shit
together and either stop or try harder, privately. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Starting Monday, Allan has a challenge coming up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m signing up. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No declarations of “I can do it”. “My time is
now” etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I LOATHE what I look like. I
detest how I feel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sick to death of
looking at other people who are healthy and feeling jealous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel slow, and tired and old and ugly and
unhealthy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m OVER being a chubby
chaser magnet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough is enough.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18078990731967038368noreply@blogger.com8