Tuesday, December 31, 2013

19 Days... and Counting

I am 19 days post surgery and things are going well. As of today I am down 28lbs. Everyday it gets a little easier. I think I underestimated how I would be feeling about food. I just seem to want it so badly. The most random things too. It is as though there is a conveyor belt in my brain and all the foods of my childhood as well as some favorites and NOT so favorites are passing through.  I can't explain it.  The social situations are, by far, the worst.  I skipped Christmas Eve and Day. I'm skipping NYE. I went to a baby shower this weekend and it was rough going. I know that I was doing that food eyeball thing that fat people do when they are trying NOT to eat.  (Fat person food eyeball is when an FP stares at food they are not eating with a longing that boarders on sexual) I will say that normally, I would just eat without thinking. I am finding that there is something to be said about NOT eating mindlessly. It's still hard.

Day 4 was not good. Here's what I jotted down.

4 days post surgery and I feel like I'm fucking tweaking. I'm thinking of the most random foods. It's like I'm going crazy. I'm not hungry, but I want to shovel food into my mother fucking mouth as fast as I can. What is wrong with me? I want to die right now.

Day 10 wasn't a great day either: 

I can't tell if its my head or what. I'm hungry. Maybe I haven't been drinking enough. I don't know. I'm so scared that the procedure didn't work. I had a dream last night that not only was I not loosing, but I was gaining weight.

Those were the worst days. I felt sick and I was mentally hungry. I am probably not helping the situation by watching The Food Network and The Cooking Channel as if it was porn. I can't seem to help it. 

Thankfully, I found Bariatric Pal, which is a WLS support forum.  That has been pretty helpful so far. Lots of people who are experiencing similar feelings.  

19 days in, and no real regrets. 



Thursday, December 19, 2013

Unwritten


"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined. I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned. Staring at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window. Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find. Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it! Release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in. No one else, no one else, can speak the words on your lips. Drench yourself in words unspoken, live your life with arms wide open! Today is where your book begins…the rest is still unwritten." –Unwritten, Natasha Beniningfield


The moment that I saw the guy in the lobby, I knew we were going to the same place. He knew it too. I could tell by the way he looked at me, the way he did the half smile and then looked away. He was an ok looking sort of guy, definitely handsome, in the same way that I "have such a pretty face".  Sure enough, we both reached for the same floor number. 10. When the elevator doors opened, he let me out first. But because I was so sure we were going to the same place, I got out and just let him walk ahead of me. As I predicted, he got to Suite 10S and opened the door. That was on August 3, 2013, the first visit I made to the Bariatic surgeon. 

That was my first step. 

I did it. I caved, won, took a stand, failed, took the easy way out, the hard road in, however you want to describe it, but I had Gastric Sleeve bypass on Thursday December 12, 2013 at NYU Langone Medical Center. Those of you who visit my sad little blog, know that I have been toying with this idea on and off for years. I did not make this decision lightly.  This was a move that was years in the making. I attended 3 different information sessions. I did research. Read blogs. Talked to my shrink, my friends and random people that I know who also had WLS (weight loss surgery).

It wasn't easy, but it just seemed like the logical choice to me. I know that is it not "the cure". I know that I have many difficulties and hard times ahead of me.  I feel as if I already know what people mean, when they say that this surgery is just a tool.  However, this was what was right for me at this particular point in my life.  

I'm ready to see where this step takes me.