Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Money Money Money Money

Money makes the world go around. The world go around. The world go around. Money makes the world go around. It makes the world go 'round. A mark, a yen, a buck, or a pound.A buck or a pound. A buck or a pound.Is all that makes the world go around, That clinking clanking sound. Can make the world go 'round. (Lyrics from the movie/play Cabaret)

I need money and I need it badly. I’ve never been good with money, not to blame my parents, but they were never good with money either. So I didn’t have a good model to follow. However, at this point in my life, I need to ante up and just figure out what my problem is and what I need to do to make it better.

Admitting that you have a problem is important right? So here I am admitting it. But what does one do, when one needs to get better at something. How do I fix this? A few weeks I go I was overdrawn in my account by over 500 dollars. I actually considered doing one of those payday loans. I didn’t do it, sucked it up and just did what I had to do, but still, I thought about it for a while.

I do participate in a type of savings program. Depending on where you hail, it’s called something different. In Haiti we call it a Mains. I’ve also heard it called Sou-Sou and Partner.

Well first, let me tell you what’s it’s not. It is not a pyramid or Ponzi scheme. You do not have to recruit anyone to get a payout. But it is important to note that the more people participate the larger your payout will be. It is a type of savings circle I guess.

How it works: Everyone who participates contributes the same amount of money each week or month for predetermined amount of time. It could last a month or a year. As I mentioned earlier, your payout depends on how many people participate in the circle. The most important thing about doing a Mains, is making sure that all the participants can be trusted. This savings circle is really popular with people from Africa, Latin America and the Caribbean. My mother did this for years and years, every time she wanted to save for something big. I have also participated from time to time, and have never ever not once had a problem. Assuming everyone in your mains can be trusted, everyone will benefit from large payout. I recall reading an article somewhere, like Time or Newsweek, which said that mains were possibly the answer to the economic crisis that we have found ourselves in.

The mains that I am participating in right now, has a payout of 11,000. The amount that you get depends on how much and how long you do it for. My contribution is 250 dollars per week. My “turn’ in getting the money is early next year, and we have been doing it since August 2009. It lasts about 50 or so weeks.

What’s my “big” thing? I am saving up for a down payment to an apt. I live with my family and hate it. Hate it more than you can imagine. At my age, living with my parents, is just embarrassing. Just embarrassing.

But besides saving up for the “big” thing, I just want to be better at saving money. Not spending every dime I have on silly things. Which I admit that I do a lot. I am such a work in progress.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

The Dread...

It’s been a long time. And the truth is that just haven’t had the energy. I absolutely loathe myself. I am huge. It is beyond me how I could allow myself to get to this point. I knew that I was fat. I mean I’ve BEEN fat. But lately I feel like I am really looking like a fat person, like that kind of fat person that people really look at. And God help me. My feet hurt. I have aches and pains like my body is too big to support its self. I got on the scale tonight. On my scale I weigh 280lbs. What do I do with myself? How can I fix this problem? And it is a problem. Why do I insist on stuffing my face so? I do it all the time. All. The time. Many times I eat till I am sick to my stomach.

A few months ago my mother came to me and said that she was having a party for her 60th birthday, I was full and I mean FULL of the dread. I didn’t want to go. I love my mom, but I didn’t want to sit on a plane (in seat that barely holds my fat ass and sucking in my breath to make the seat belt fit) and go and face my family. I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want to see myself. Call me paranoid, but I see them looking at me and feel them judging me. Really. We all know that they do. People look at people and make judgments. But at the end of the day, it’s Mom and I had to do it. So here I am. And yes, I AM wishing that I were someplace else. All because of something that I should be able to control.

I’ve been chatting lately with this woman I work with who also had a difficult time with food. She lost 108lbs, and has put on about 50 or so pounds. She and talked a lot about things we can do to make our lives not so much revolve around food. I do promise my self something. I get back home, I promise to change things. Yes, I am aware that I have said this type of thing before, however I have to keep making that promise to myself. I have to keep making that promise and hope that this time it will be THE time that it will work out. That will gather up all the tools that I need to be successful at this journey. This is the dragon that I want, need, to slay once and for all. I truly believe that my happiness, mental and physical health depend on it.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

an end in sight...

“You think that I’d learn the cost of love. Paid that price long enough. But still I drive myself right through the pain. Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing. Sometimes I think I’m better off. To turn out the lights and close up shop. And give up the longing, believing in belonging. Just hold down my head and take the loss. You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now. You’d think that I’d somehow figure out. That if you strike the match. You’re bound to feel the flame.”–Daughtry

So once upon a time, I feel in love with a bad boy. He actually wasn’t “bad” at all. The roughness that was on the outside was for show, to hide the soft side that I knew was there. He was hard on the outside and so soft, so I thought, on the inside. When he looked at me, I got weak. When he kissed me, I literally lost my breath. He made my head spin, my heart skip beats. Despite our differences, and there were many, I knew. I mean I knew with out a doubt in my mind, that this beautiful man [and he was, is, beautiful], was for me. We would love each other make babies, make a home and live a life.
There was catch though. I never said anything to him. I never, not once, placed a demand. I thought if I was quiet and asked for nothing. That he would just see how perfect I was for him. That he would look at me and think I was pretty; smart; loving; exactly what he needed. I did what he wanted. I loved him completely. Stood by him. He had troubles. He needed money, I gave it to him. He needed love, I gave it to him. He needed sex, I gave him that too. He ran away and I waited. Held my breath, counted the days and waited for him to come back. Always thinking hoping praying that he would come back, for me.
What we had, was never right. We had moments, months of bliss. Then weeks or months of silence. I dreamt of him, I knew when he was in trouble. I knew when he needed me. So when I dreamt of his new baby, I knew it was true. Even when he looked at me and told me it wasn’t true. But, I apologized. Fool that I am. I told him I was sorry for accusing him of being a liar. But even though I knew, I still wanted certainty. Certainty never came. But I kept having those dreams. Dream after dream about him and her and their baby. I can remember so clearly when I decided that I “knew” enough. I sat on the floor of my bedroom and cried until I was sick. Ate ice cream until I threw up. But instead of saying anything, I was quiet still. Still loving him. Still wanting him. Still loosing my breath. Still thinking that somehow, things would turn around for “us”. Still thinking that his kisses meant something. Still believing him when he told me he loved me. Wondering if it was something I did or didn’t do. Was I not smart? Was I too fat? Did he think that I was ugly? Did I not please him sexually? Was I not good enough. These are the questions that followed me around. Yet…
I love him still. What kind of person am I? What kind of woman loves a man who lies to her? I have continued to love this man, even though I know he created a child with a woman at a time when I thought we were together. I have adored this man even though he married this woman. I have stood by when he has hurt me, by saying to me that “if it hadn’t been her, it would have been you”. Just reading that back to myself makes me cringe.
We stole some moments not so long ago. As always it was a sad kind of joy for me. I love seeing him. I think the sex between us is amazing. Exciting. Satisfying. When he looks at me, my breath still catches, even though it’s not quite the same. He’s noticed and made comments. He says I’m not attracted to him or some such thing. That’s not it all. It’s only that after all this time, 8 years as a matter of fact, I’m tired. Tired of knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am never going to be first for him. Tired of knowing that the love between as never been equal or fair.
He’s not completely wrong. I do still adore him, but it IS different. And finally, I think I see the light at the end of this tunnel. It seems as though the end is in sight. I think that perhaps, I may, finally have had enough.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I suck

I'm here. Not much to say more off the same... I will post this weekend.