Friday, July 31, 2009

The room that was full of fatties...

July 31, 2009

The other day I went to an informational session on bariatric surgery.

First off, there is nothing, and I do mean nothing, that is sadder than a room full of fatties looking for THE ANSWER. People are fat. I watched as people struggled to wedge themselves into seats. Several of the attendees where visibly uncomfortable and clearly had issues breathing. Young looking people with canes, I heard some one talking about having numbness in their legs and feet. And superficially, I just was struck with how bad people looked. I do my best to look good every single day. Make up—done! Hair—done! Clothes—cute (and more importantly clean and pressed—there is nothing NOTHING worse than a fatty with food stains on their clothing. It is almost as if when you get to a certain size, you just stop caring. I hope to God that I NEVER get like that.

I wish desperately that I wasn’t considering this. But I am. Whatever zest I ever had for weight loss has zoomed away. I don’t know why but I cant seem to do it the old fashioned way, you know diet and exercise?

I was chatting with a friend of mine who also has struggles with weight. She was telling me that she has gotten up to 368lbs. She has lost at least 100 lbs or more in her lifetime. Only to gain it all back. WTF? I have at least 3 friends who could stand to loose 100lbs or more. Where does that come from? Why is this our struggle? Instead of being a crack head, we’re food heads.

Back to surgery. So one of the things that is making me pause for thought is the way they described how you would have to eat. First, for 2 weeks before the surgery, you have to be on a liquid diet. (That sucks) Then, after surgery mushy food. Then after your body gets used what you’ve done to yourself, there is a list of foods that you may or may not be able to eat again. Steak. White meat chicken/turkey, sweets etc. Sigh. The thing is that I really feel like food, is one of the joys in life. I love turkey. What is better than a good steak? But what would I rather have? Juicy steak or big fat belly? The other thing that I am worried about is loose skin and bobble head syndrome. The loose skin disgusts me. The floppy, flappy, tube sock tits worry me. That’s not sexy. (Well what about surgery? What about it? Who is paying for this surgery? What will look like afterwards? Will my body be all pieced together like Frankenstein? Yeah, cause THAT’s sexy.) And bobble head syndrome…well does Star Jones look GOOD? (Admittedly she looks better now than she did right afterwards…but still).

In all honesty, I have not a clue as to what I am going to end up doing. The truth is that right now, I am totally leaning towards it. But the whole idea of it, makes me feel like I’ve given up and given in. Ok Food you win.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Hair Obsessed...

Random Hair thoughts:

I am obsessed with my hair. My hair is curly. If you follow curly hair it’s type 3c. If you are a person who has grown up with hair issues, you will feel my pain. My hair has been:

  • Dried
  • Fried
  • Dyed
  • Parted to the side
  • and then some.

Basically it has been a hot mess. I’ve done so many things to my hair that I should not have and am currently suffering for it. I did the BC last month and am working on growing it out.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Soooo yeah... I suck

Not than any one is paying attention. That was not the point of this exercise.  But I feel like such the looser. No blogging. No journaling. No WW-ing. No nothing. Just me. Eating. Why? I honestly think that I'm hungry. I mean I feel like eating so that's what I've been doing.  Eating. Eating anything. Everything. All the time. I think about food often. Sigh.  

I took some time alone the other day and wrote down some thoughts... which I would share, if I weren’t such a disorganized mess.

Basically, I'm thinking of getting lap band surgery. I feel as though I am at an impasse. I want o loose weight but I can't seem to get it together long enough to make it happen.  I have an appointment at a LBS clinic this coming week and I am going to go.  I've made this appointment in the past and have bailed out.   This time, promising my self that I am going to go and at least hear what they have to say.  I don't HAVE to DO anything. I just have to listen.  

I did have a NSV (non scale victory) this week. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for 25 mins.  I then attempted to do the bike, but that shit is not comfortable. I couldn't get the seat right... that lasted oh about 3 mins.  

Have I shared that I am starting to feel like people are staring at me? Yeah, I think people are staring at me. I think that I am officially THAT fat person. The one that people hope don't sit next to them on the bus, train or plane.  I'm that person that people see eating ice cream and shake their heads and think... is she fucking kidding? She has no business eating that.  I suppose they are right.  

I’m also that woman that men DON’T look at. They look right through, over, under, around and or past  me.   Like I don’t even exist. I don’t know how this is possible, but I am now too fat to even been seen.

I wish that being embarrassed was a good enough reason that would propel me into weight loss. It’s not. 

I wish that loneliness were a good enough reason to propel me into weight loss. It’s not.

What is a good enough reason that will propel me into weight loss…

So do I go to WW tomorrow or not?  I'll let you know.